3. CAREER CHOICES
In which I evaluate the careers of two extremely successful women from my secure vantage as a freelance writer.

An actor's career is a reflection of their personality, because of the projects they choose and the projects that choose them. Lizzy Caplan has made great choices: a bit part in Freaks and Geeks, a great role in Mean Girls, the only appealing part in Cloverfield, and a starring role in the near-perfect Party Down. She was in True Blood too, but was smart enough to bail before it went completely crazy. Alison Brie has been in the best comedy on TV, Community, and the second best drama on TV, Mad Men. She was also in Hannah Montana, which means she's a true gangster. Both actresses have great taste, but I think Lizzy is a little more discerning. Her point.

POINT: CAPLAN

4. WILLINGNESS TO OBJECTIFY SELF
In which I pretend to be offended by sexual objectification but actually enjoy it quite a bit.

Alison Brie has done a bunch of those generic men's-magazine style photoshoots, sucking on strawberries and gallivanting with co-stars, and just generally displaying her body in a sexual way for the amusement of others. This clip of Brie and her Community co-star Gillian Jacobs flouncing around in old-timey lingerie is a pretty fine example. You know, if you're into that kind of thing.

Caplan has done the the whole men's-mag game too, but not as much. (I don't know if that's her choice or society's.) Caplan also got naked on True Blood, to pretty spectacular effect. But Brie's almost made a career of this kind of thing, so I'm giving this one to her.

POINT: BRIE

5. LIKELIHOOD OF HOOKING UP WITH A SLAVERING INTERNET FAN
In which I imagine the relative chances of success upon asking each of them out. I said relative.

In picking a potential sexual partner, one of the most important matrices is to determine is if you have a chance with them. If you don't, then why bother?

So: Alison Brie purports to love sex, and the more you love something, the lower your standards will be in acquiring it, no? If you love pizza, you'll eat really shitty pizza. I could be the "really shitty pizza" of sex! As for Caplan, she's been dating Matthew Perry for years, and Matthew Perry is as close as a celebrity can get to being an "average Joe." It's a tie.

6. VERDICT

All right, I've tabulated the scores, and I'd like to reveal the winner: Lizzy Caplan. The loser? Alison Brie.

And me.

Want to meet a bosomy minx with a killer wit? Meet them on Nerve.

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