Our writer chooses between two of the greatest self-proclaimed libertines of our time.
Witness if you will two (admittedly talented) young lotharios who can't stop bragging about the women they've slept with. Women usually react to their cockiness with exaggerated revulsion, yet it seems likely that someone's sleeping with them. What would I do if I were forced to choose? Let's break it down.
1. PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
They're both objectively attractive, I guess. No doubt they're facially symmetrical, anyway. Both have had definite Cast Away phases, which would probably be nice for some role-play, but isn't necessarily something I'd want to wake up next to.
This is going to require a closer look, so let's zoom in a little. As far as eyes, LaBeouf's are sort of hazel-y and honestly pretty swoon-inducing. On the other side, there's a suspicious number of black and white photos of John Mayer on the internet, which I think may be a thinly-veiled attempt to hide his dead eyes. Mayer doesn't smile with his teeth often; probably because his teeth are, creepily, extremely small. LaBeouf has a nice whole-face smile.
Below the neck, John Mayer's nipples are tiny and dark like pennies, and he's got a left-arm sleeve of what looks like zig-zags and flowers. He also has a "77" tattooed on his chest, representing his birth year, which makes me think he's afraid of forgetting it. LaBeouf has slightly puffy, non-threatening nipples, and a tattoo of a chained hand and a paw print on his left side. Not sure what's going on there.
Basically what it comes down to is, they both have nice nipples, but Mayer has amphetamine eyes, so LaBeouf wins.
LaBeouf flashed a quick profile of his flaccid manhood in a Sigur Rós video, and it was definitely… there. Mayer once called his dick a "white supremacist," which kinda makes this whole thing a no-contest for LaBeouf, 'cause I don't want a little hooded white supremacist inside me.
I can't say I've ever actively listened to John Mayer, but I think it's probably better, as a lover, to be outside of fandom. I've sucked a few dicks-in-bands, and, well, it's just less weird if you're not fellating someone whose albums you would go home and listen to. That said, Mayer has a sultry voice, and I've been told his gee-tar playing skills are more than technically proficient. Also, in the past decade or so, he's released five full-length albums, won seven Grammys, hosted a VH1 show, and written a column for Esquire, so at the very least, the dude can multi-task.
LaBeouf was in the Transformers series, which I haven't seen. He was also in Holes, which I have seen. I watched it this summer with three dudes who were Robo-tripping. My fuck-buddy had just broken things off, and to be honest, I was fantasizing more about his penis, but I remember thinking that LaBeouf had a really soothing voice. Like, one that I wanted whispering really dirty things to me. LaBeouf also had a small role in Freaks and Geeks, which means instant cred.
3. PAST LOVERS (WHO I WILL HAVE SLEPT WITH VIA THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY)
So many fans, probably
Mayer takes the cake here. If I'm going to be a star-fucker, I might as well go all the way. You know that saying "Reach for the moon — if you fail, you'll still land among the stars," or something like that? Well, in this case, John Mayer's the moon, and all of his conquests are a sparkly, poreless galaxy.
4. STD RISK
LaBeouf wins this one — or loses, depending on how you look at it. Based solely on the number of sexual partners Mayer claims to have had, his body's probably more a wonderland of antibiotic-stunted warts than anything else.
Given their arm-to-torso ratio, it's safe to assume both men have a pretty stellar wrap-around circumference. (Sooo essential.) But I have this weird feeling that John Mayer would smell like gross aftershave lotion (twigs and inner-thigh musk?) and I don't want to deal with that, so, LaBeouf.
6. PROBABLE SEXTS
Mayer: "What if you dress up like me?"
LaBeouf: "I need some love like I've never needed love before, I wanna make love to you baby." (Why do I feel like Shia LaBeouf would quote Spice Girls at me? I'm not sure, but I do.)
7. LIKELIHOOD OF GIVING HEAD
I'm pretty sure Mayer would give head while murmuring to himself about how awesome he is, but also, he's probably had a lot of practice? Meanwhile, in a Details interview, LaBeouf claimed to have a "wet mouth," which I guess is a good thing, but like, doesn't everyone? I mean, how wet is his mouth, really? I don't think a moister-than-average mouth is going to do anything but make things a little messier in the bedroom, and it's definitely not going to make you any more generous.
8. LIKELIHOOD OF SUDDEN OUTBURSTS OF RAGE
When T-Swift wrote a breakup song about John Mayer (there must be a waiting list by now), he said it was a "lousy" thing for her to do, backing up his complaint with the fact that he "never got an email" about it. Reader activity: scrunch up your mouth, raise your eyebrows and say, in a high-pitched voice and without moving your lips much, "I never got an email." More whine than rage, but still important to consider.
LaBeouf carries a knife with him, which is actually just practical, because sometimes you need to open wrappers or chop down jungle vines. But his self-reflexive thoughts are a little disconcerting. Of his role on the Disney Channel's Even Stevens, he once claimed, "They didn't hire me because I was a good-looking dude. They hired me because I had no fear, no respect for authority, and no respect for boundaries." This seems not only completely delusional but also just a biiit psychopath-scary.
9. POPULAR VOTE
Because I was worried about my own subjectivity, and because I crave approval from my peers, I took my Who Would You Rather quest to the streets and asked about twenty people who they'd rather. Based on my totally unscientific poll, LaBeouf is the hands-down favorite. 69% of the people I asked chose him. When I asked for a reason, most of them said, "John Mayer is an asshole."
On Shia LaBeouf:
"Shia LaBeouf just seems like he'd be better in bed."
"I dunno, I have a weird Even Stevens fetish."
"He's got a face I'd like to squeeze."
On John Mayer:
"John Mayer is the Eric Clapton of our generation."
"I would only sleep with John Mayer to steal his guitar."
"I think his ego would get in the way."
I'm still not sure how to pronounce Shia LaBeouf's last name without warping my face and putting on a throaty accent, so that's going to be a problem if I ever meet his parents. Nevertheless, the clear winner here is LaBeouf. Everyone, act accordingly.