You won't find these innovative rubbers at home.
Have you ever noticed how American condoms are kind of a boner killer? For those amongst us in the wrap-it-before-you-tap-it camp, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation's call to a better generation of condoms has been a long time coming. Condoms can be tricky: the awkward fumbling, the one size doesn't fit all, the possible tearing, the suffocating tightness, the highly unpleasant smell of latex. Sure, they may be 98 percent effective, but there's a lot to improve upon.
From the looks of the 11 winners of the Gates' $100,000 grant, our hands and dicks have elastomeric rubbers, Rapidom applicators, thin graphene condoms, and other new-fangled ween sheaths to look forward to. But they might take years to get on our shelves. In the mean time, let's take a moment to fawn over the design and innovation of the international johnny market. If you're looking for covetable raincoats you can't find in the ole U.S. of A., you've come to the right place.
1. Japan's Thinnest Condom in the World
For men who complain of the thickness of some condoms, they need to eBay some Sagami Originals stat. Sagami rubbers boast a thickness of just .01 mm. To put that in perspective, the hairs sprouting out of your head right now have an average thickness of .06 mm. Your next question should be, "Is this condom actually visible?" It is, and it's completely safe, too. The newly released rubber has been tested over 200,000 times in the lab for quality assurance and has sold out in Tokyo once it hit the shelves. And if the demand is there, Sagami researchers plan to go even thinner, no matter how many years or polyurethane it takes.
2. Custom Fit Condoms from Europe
Magnum condom sizes were not just created to boost the egos of their wearers, condom size actually matters. If you're wearing a rubber that's too big, you could slip out of it. If you're wearing one that's too tight, you've essentially just inserted your penis into a Chinese finger trap. TheyFit condoms features 95 different sizes of custom fit condoms, suitable for practically any penis on Earth. The condoms are prelubed, colorless, and odorless and pass all condom standard tests. There's even a downloadable Fit Kit on their website so that you can size yourself at home. They have lengths from 3 to 10 inches and girths from 3.5 to 7 inches (ouch). TheyFit are an amazing brand because they understand not all dicks are created equal. They're just only available in Europe. Damn.
3. Biodegradable French Condoms
The hippie in you will love a hippie inside you with these seriously green condoms. The Original Condom, based fittingly in Condom, France, has merchandise that is completely biodegradable. These luxury condoms will make you feel like you're giving back to the community every time you bone; the company offsets their carbon emissions and shares a portion of its profits with HIV awareness prevention research and NGOs. Plus, the rubbers come in an elegant black jewelry box that is decidedly very French.
4. The German Spray-on Condom
This is a bit of a cheat because it never made its way to market, but we like how the Huns were thinking. The spray-on condom, introduced in 2008, is a hard plastic tube that sprays liquid latex on the penis from all directions when it's inserted in. The idea is that the condom will be a uniquely-you fit with no slips off or breakage. Pretty ingenious, right? Only, the spray-on condom never got to see the light of day because it left no room for a reservoir tip and took 3 excruciatingly awkward minutes for the latex to dry. Here's hoping designer Jan Krause is still at it, for the sake of your schvantz.
5. South African Condom with 4 Second Applicator
Even if you've practiced on banana phalluses in middle school, applying a condom can be a terrifying and embarrassing venture when you have no idea what you're doing. To minimize the time it takes to put on a rubber and to ensure that the condom is put on without tearing and in the right direction, innovators in South Africa developed the 4Secs Condom Applicator. The applicator comes with a condom each and even has raised bumps to ensure you put it on easily in the dark.
6. Wrapper-as-Applicator Condoms from South Africa
Dang, South Africa, you may be the masters of condom design. Similar to the 4Secs Condom Applicator, the Pronto Condom is unique in that it has a patented applicator actually attached to its wrapper, perfect for a seamless application. Simply crack the wrapper in half and begin to apply it to your penis, rolling it down as per usual. Then the wrapper snaps off. The Pronto Condom was developed to prevent that common Condom Wrapper Limp Dick syndrome that affects a lot of men right before sex. To maintain the passion and sufficient turgidity, the Pronto Condom takes about 3 seconds to put on. It also looks like a fancy Ramen packet, so there's that.
7. The Fabled Ukrainian Musical Condom
The jury is out on the existence of this condom, but should it exist, the world would be a better place for it. Back in 2006, Hryhory Chausovsky was said to have invented a new type of condom that plays music during sex. According to Oh Gizmo, "a miniature loudspeaker and motion sensor implanted in the condom’s upper cuff provides a range of musical tones during sex. Music volume depends on intensity of love-making and tone varies based on the sexual position." That is, if you want empirical data about your love making techniques. It's sort of like the condom equivalent of the Passion app. No amount of Googling can determine whether this condom is real or not, but apparently there is an American patent on its competitor. Get on that, Ukraine.