Love & Sex

You Should Be Dyeing Your Ugly, Discolored Labia Pink, Says My New Pink Button

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Kids, don't try this at home.

My New Pink Button

Ladies, have you noticed how your privates have begun to resemble thick-sliced deli roast beef and, therefore, no one will ever love you? Me too. Fortunately, there's a product 'specially formulated to get us gals back in honeymoon shape: My New Pink Button, a "genital cosmetic colorant."

Come on, dude. Come on. I don't care if My New Pink Button is the work of a "female certified Paramedical Esthetician," this cannot be good for you. Mucus membranes and corrosive chemicals do not play well together. More importantly, the bullshit concept of "color loss" is not something your busy, self-actualized vagina needs to worry herself with — not that you (or your vagina) need me to tell you that.

Available in four shades with cutesy names like "Bettie" and "Audry" [sic], My New Pink Button's product descriptions are a grotesque cabinet of wonders. Direct quotes:

"Our products are never tested on animals, but it will bring out the animal in you!"

"Think of that favorite lipstick you wear for those dressy black tie affairs and think 'Bettie.'"

"Tonight its Show time!!" [sic]

Though all of My New Pink Button's offerings are currently sold out online (damn), Amazon commenters have nevertheless remained in rare form:

First, does it work on other areas downtown, or is this really a ladies-only product? I'm not saying I need it repackaged in a "My New Balloon Knot" tin, I'm just curious if it works, chemically. Second, what is the brightest color they make? Somehow, I suspect "Audry" is pretty refined. Classy. I'm looking more for something more along the lines of "Enraged Baboon" or "Fleet Week."

[h/t Alexandra Petri]

Images via My New Pink Button.