My First Time

My First Time: Female, 21, United Kingdom

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We’re looking for stories about the first time you had sex. Email firsttime@nerve.com with 500-1000 words. (Don’t worry, we won’t print your name — but please do make sure to include your gender, where you were, and how old you were.) Submissions may be edited.

I lost my virginity at 19. They say the first time hurts and it is not always the most comfortable of situations. Some women just say that ideally it’s just a hurdle that needs to be done and over with, and the quicker it is executed, the better. Sounds like the death penalty, doesn’t it? But it was nothing like that. It wasn’t scary. Or terrifying. Or cringe-worthy. And above all else, I was simply glad that it wasn’t with someone random on a random night and it was not something I did to make me feel better about myself.

He was one of those brooding, dark, mysterious writer types who smoked a lot and never even got around to placing sheets on the bed. But there were candles and the room was softly lit. Growing up, I made a vow to remain celibate til I was married, and promised a girlfriend I would treat her to Japanese food if I broke my vow. To be completely honest, that was the one and only hard part about the whole ordeal: breaking my vows to celibacy. I am religious to a certain degree and I am not proud of my intimate escapades within my relationships, but I made a choice that night. Nights and nights after that, even up til now, I still do pray that He’ll forgive me for my sins eventually. And if anything, it has kept me from giving in to any other vices.

I was nervous that night. I suppose if it was with someone who was also new to this, I wouldn’t have been (and it wouldn’t have been as perfect) but he had lived a bit longer than I had and it was crystal clear to me from the start that I wasn’t his first.

He seduced me every moment we were together even before we were together. There was a part of me that expected the seducing to end once we hit the 6 months mark (because that’s what magazines and every other romantic comedy tells me and when you’re a teenager, you believe everything) but it didn’t . Our love affair was intense, filled with seduction, pleasure, and at times, pain. Looking back, that one night was the reflection of our entire relationship.

It really is something else, losing your virginity to the one person who loves you unconditionally. Because he’ll take care of you, and the whole thing doesn’t end so quickly that you can’t remember. It lasts the whole night and it feels like ages, but in the best way possible. I came with an intensity I couldn’t fathom, and I came more times than I cared to remember.

Magazines will also tell you that you would wake up feeling like a different person. I don’t think I felt that way. I remember waking up dazed and warm, bathing in the morning sun that was shining through the window. I didn’t feel different, I just felt more like myself than ever. Perhaps a better version of myself, perhaps even a little bit more confident. Though you could argue and ask, “Doesn’t that mean you do feel different?” I think that I was confident to begin with, but life sometimes takes away the best bits of you and that morning I felt as though I got it back.