Each year that Apple releases a new version of the iPhone, a loyal public follows. These are technophiles so obsessed with their smartphones that they camp out for hours, even days, in hopes of being one of the first lucky few to own the latest and greatest. Nerve set out to talk with the brave souls enduring the iPhone 6 line at an Apple Store in New York and found that iPhone fans, like the best lovers, require patience.
Are you in fact waiting in line for a phone or are you just loitering?
I’m just hanging out. I’m going to get the phone. But it’s not like an “I need the phone” situation.
What does it say about someone in bed if they’d wait in line for twelve hours to buy a phone?
That they come really quick. They have no time — well, they do have time to wait in line. Because if not, then they’d be actually fucking.
What about that first guy in line? Is he okay in bed?
He’s probably very, very bad in bed. To be in line for a whole night. A whole day and a whole night. It means you have no life. You probably shouldn’t have any type of punani around to keep you company.
Or cock! Let’s be egalitarian.
Or a cock. I apologize.
Okay. Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
I currently have a girlfriend. I suspect that she’s my girlfriend. I don’t know.
What’s the big suspicion?
Basically long distance.
Would you rate her a 6 or a 6 plus in bed?
More than that. I only fuck with 8s and above.
Is it ever acceptable to use a phone during sex?
Only if you’re using it as a vibrator.
Do you think the iPhone 6 is the best platform for taking dick pics?
No, but I love when girls send me pictures of their titties.
Why wouldn’t you reciprocate?
Because if you want to see my dick, you might as well just come over and see it. Can I tell you the truth? The dick is very, very ugly. But not my dick — my dick is beautiful. It looks like a little Ken doll. But overall, dicks are ugly. Female genitalia is much more appealing.
How long have you been out here?
I literally just got here maybe 30 minutes ago. I’m not even waiting out here for myself, I’m waiting for someone else. This is basically a quick gig for me. I’m getting paid. I don’t do anything else but model and act, so I have a bunch of free time.
That’s awesome. What do think waiting in a line this long [about 3 blocks at the time] says about people in bed?
It says they have a lot of patience [laughs]. I really don’t feel like you’re having a lot of sex if you’re waiting in line. I mean, you’re out here all night.
Do you think there’s any good way to hit on someone in line?
The people here don’t look like they want to be hit on. But if you did want to hit on someone, the people here have to stay and listen to what you have to say, so this would be the perfect time to come up to them. There’s an icebreaker already, “What are you waiting in line for?” That’s your first question.
So what you’re saying is this is potentially a really great first date in a weird indie rom-com way?
Is it ever acceptable to use your phone in bed, whether it’s a phone call or text?
That is a no. A complete huge no. You don’t do that. I’d get them with that right hook. “Whatchu doing?”
Do you think it’s a good idea to take nude photos with your phone?
No, I don’t do those because I plan on being really famous one day and I don’t want anyone to exploit me. I mean, it just happened to Jennifer Lawrence and Victoria Justice. I don’t want to be exposed. I don’t think that would be good for my reputation.
Do you want to talk to me about sex and iPhones?
Why do I need to talk about it? I could just do it.
I know you’re turning me down, but I admire your attitude.
What brings you here today?
I’m actually working on a movie about people waiting in line, what they’re doing here, and what they’re going to do with their phone.
Interesting. The culture of waiting around. So, you’re not getting an iPhone 6 for yourself?
We’re going to get phones and sell them like most of the other people here.
What does waiting in line right now say about you in bed?
I think it highlights my dedication to getting the goal. My stamina. I mean, if I can be here for 20-something hours…
What would your advice be for someone whose boyfriend couldn’t maintain an erection? How would you approach him about the problem?
I mean if it was a long running problem, we would have to talk about it. But if it’s just too drunk or whatever, it happens. I’d have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
Do you ever download any sex apps?
What do you mean, Tinder?
Tinder counts, if you think about it. But there are all kinds of apps that can track your sex life by making use of the accelerometer and microphone on the iPhone. It tracks thrusts, timing, everything.
I definitely can’t say I have any experience with that, but it’s definitely an interesting concept. I think it’s pretty funny. I could definitely give it a try.
Should people still feel comfortable sexting after this huge leak of celebrity nude photos? Do you send out any dirty pics or do you mainly receive them?
I’ve only ever been the recipient of a few dick pics. Unsolicited both times.
How does one respond to a dick pic?
There wasn’t any response. None. Nope.
What does lining up for an iPhone say about someone’s sexual proclivities?
I don’t know about others, but I do know about me.
Okay, what does lining up for an iPhone say about you in bed?
I’m good. I’ll hold out for a really long time.
What’s better in bed, a 6 or a 6 plus?
Um, a 6? That’s smaller.
What’s your belief about phone use in the bedroom? Would you ever say it’s acceptable to pick up a call during sex?
Negative. That can wait.
How down are you with a girl using a vibrator in the bedroom?
Not cool, because that means I’m not doing my job.
But if she expressed a need or desire for one in the bedroom, would you put in the extra effort?
What would you say to a man who is dating a really attractive woman but can’t seem to get it up anytime they go to have sex?
She’s not that hot.
You don’t think it could also maybe be a problem with him?
Yeah, he could have problems. I would tell him it’s probably stress.
What turns you on about Apple?
I’m a fiend for iPhones. Apple has the best platform.
Does it have the best platform for taking sexy photos?
No, I just prefer an actual camera.