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July 7, 2011
Ranked: John Carpenter Films from Worst to Best
Celebrating the horror legend's return to filmmaking, we rewatch Halloween, Escape From New York, and more.
By Austin Duerst
John Carpenter's dark sci-fi/horror movies were crucial influences on many of today's leading directors, and a few have become pop-culture cornerstones, earning Carpenter a deserved cult following. But after a series of commercial and critical flops in the '90s, along with his growing disenchantment with the Hollywood system, Carpenter all but gave up on filmmaking. After a ten-year hiatus from the big screen, Carpenter will return this July with a new film, The Ward. In celebration of the master of horror's return, we've ranked all his films from worst to best.
17. Ghosts of Mars (2001)
In retrospect, it's not surprising that this movie preceded a ten-year break from filmmaking. Everything about Ghosts of Mars screams of creative fatigue. The sets look like sets; the roles seem to have been cast by lottery. The storyline itself, concerning a parasitic ghost presence on Mars, explicitly recycles much of Carpenter's previous material (a mysterious fog, spiritual possession, an invincible entity, a supernatural gang, and a police force's reliance on deviants to save their asses). Even the costume Ice Cube wears in the film looks strikingly similar to Snake Plissken's in the Escape movies. Carpenter recently told the AV Club that by the end of the project, he "was like a dead man." It shows.
16. The Fog (1980)
Following the commercial success of Halloween, Carpenter was given a one-million-dollar budget to produce an old-fashioned horror story about a town plagued by ghost fisherman. After filming, Carpenter viewed a rough cut and was completely unsatisfied, saying in a later interview, "I had a movie that didn't work, and I knew it in my heart." Despite subsequent re-shoots, the film still feels like a cut-up mess, and the unsympathetic flatness of its characters does nothing to alleviate the wreck. It also doesn't help that the ghosts look like badly tailored mummies.
15. Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992)
Perhaps the most uncharacteristic of Carpenter's films, Memoirs is far removed from the director's gritty style and sensibilities. That's probably unsurprising, as the movie was largely a vanity project for Chevy Chase, who was looking a more serious role. (And what's more serious than invisibility?) Carpenter signed on with little interest, telling an interviewer that "Warner Bros. is in the business of making audience-friendly, non-challenging movies." The results are about as engaging as you'd expect.
14. Dark Star (1974)
Carpenter's first feature began as a student film at USC, and it has some amateurish qualities, but that's not to say it's without merit. An offbeat parody of 2001, Dark Star was shot with a budget of $60,000, which makes its aesthetic achievements more impressive. Still, it's inevitably a hit-and-miss piece of work; screenwriter Dan O'Bannon would go on to write Alien, which borrows a lot of Dark Star's themes and tone while realizing their potential in a way no student film really could.
13. Village of the Damned (1995)
Not even a cast including Christopher Reeve, Kirstie Alley, and Mark Hamill can redeem Village of the Damned. Everyone in the titular village passes out one afternoon, with a few of its female inhabitants awakening hours later to discover they've been impregnated. Their children grow into what look like adolescent Andy Warhols but are in fact inhumane psychic monsters from another planet. Clumsily executed on many levels, Village might have fared better as a heavy-handed Lifetime movie. (Is abortion morally acceptable if you've been artificially inseminated by aliens?)
Commentarium (121 Comments)
I would rank In the Mouth of Madness and The Fog much higher. While Carpenter may not like The Fog, I have always found it somewhat charming and very enjoyable to watch.
agreed, both should be much higher, and escape from LA should be much lower. I really love the classic style ghost story of The Fog
Agreed. There's something fun about The Fog. It's not a great movie, but it's enjoyable to watch it all unwind. And Adrienne Barbeau carries the movie.
No exception, The Thing is the scariest horror movie of all time. A perfect film.
The scariest movie ever made is, in fact, Mommie Dearest. The scene with the wire hangers still gives me the chills...and 30 years later I still can't use them.
The scariest movie ever made is, in fact, The Thing. The scene with the writhing shooting tentacles freaked me out then, and freaks me out now. It is, in fact, a perfect film.
BTW... Mommie Dearest is lame. @IMNS, go back to your pillow biting kleenex wringing sadeness.
Mommie Dearest was the biggest pillow-biter I've ever seen in my life. A good way to soil an entire box of kleenex in one night.
Is Mommie Dearest the movie with Roseanne in it?
The parts when the huskie pups are killed/turned into the thing are the most horrific. WAH! WITTLE PUPPIES!!
Waaa! The little doggies tur ninto monsters! Sooooooo much better than that fairy Mommie Dearest lame ass shit. The Thing totally dominates as the best sci-fi horror flick ever produced.
Agreed. The Thing owns, saw it again this year & it still owns in every sense of the word 'horror'. Also, In the Mouth of Madness needs to be higher on this list...that's a great film - better than Vampires.
@INXS In fact 'The Thing' isn't even scary at all. Period. It failed at the box office.
@Coffee....That's a load of bollocks. The thing is loaded with atmosphere and as it progresses, paranoia grows. I recently watched the original back to back with Carpenter's and Carpenter's, despite the simplicity of the script...oozed flaws. What grabbed me about the original was the depth of the characters and that there are a few things going at the same time. You become embroiled in these events, so when the thing is revealed lurking behind the door, it is far more effective. Lancaster's script coupled with Carpenter's direction, at best, capture an atmosphere...other than that, I was a bit disappointed, as I used to love Carpenter's version.
I don't disagree with your top three, but you're way off with 'The Fog" and several others. But any Carpenter appreciation is welcome and deserved.
No, you dumbass. He was way off with "The Fag". The Fog rocked my balls, girlfriend.
Great article. I agree with the top two; my own list would have 'The Fog' all the way up at number 3, 'Escape From New York' at 4, and 'Assault on Precinct 13 at 5.
It'll be interesting to see where Carpenter's skills are at now. When he's in top form he's great, but there's a whole lot of films on this list that look worse than something that's made-for-TV. 'Dark Star' looks more expensive and professional than most of the films he made post 'Thing'.
Who gives a flying fuck what you think?
Wow, tough internet bitch, arntcha?
I re-watched The Thing recently, and was struck by how well it aged, and the special effects were better than many recent CGI-reliant movies.
Absulutely timeless
An utter masterpiece of paranoia and isolation. I bought The Thing for $45 when it came out on DVD (having rented the VHS when it came out) and have never regretted a penny of that $45 through a dozen watchings.
Wait, why in the fuck did The Thing cost you $45 dollars? Did you at least get some ice cream or a lap dance along with it?
He probably had to pay Donald Sutherland to break into the DVD factory and make him a wax impression of the original master disc.
Have to see Dark Star and Mouth of Madness but from the ones I have seen the top 6 are dead on.
Vampires was the worst flick ever. Godamn it.
i agree.
How can Big Trouble In Little China be his 4th best movie when it is the best movie ever made?
Because BTILC is the best movie ever made except for 3 other works by Carpenter. Surprised I had to explain that to you.
i agree.
THE FOG was no HALLOWEEN, but it was a damn fine ghost story. Ranking it below VILLAGE (or any of his post THEY LIVE output) indicates that you need to put down the crack pipe.
The Fog blows.
The Fog was great. When I first saw it, I was obsessed by Adrienne's delicious breasts, but that story was great too. Good entertainment, plus boobs.
The only boobs in that movie are mummy boobs. And mummy boobs are gross.
@Alan - Dude, you are so wrong. Your mummys boobs are delish. Want some pics?
They're already laminated and hanging in my shower
God damn! How the fuck do you laminate boobs?
One at a time?
i agree.
How can Dark Star be only number 14 on this list?
Austin and I had a lively debate about that. I think Dark Star rules, but I also like Escape From LA more than Escape From NY...
Because, Sean, you're the kind of retread imbecile that prefers anime to real porn. Go back to comics. Dark Star might as well have been made on Super-8 on your parent's honeymoon.
That was mean to say, Alan Coffee.
Soory Alan, I had too much coffee. It makes me jittery and sometimes causes me to rampage with my electric chainsaw and dismember largely innocent bystanders. (I mean, who is TRULY innocent? No one, right?)
Shoelaces are innocent. So are hologram cards.
Shoelaces? Shoelaces? You mean the shoelaces that were tightly wrapped around that fat fuck's throat as I bound him to a chair and watched him turn purple, vainly gasping for air, fingernails clawing at his throat, spittle drooling off his chin, heart palpitating as the darkness slowly settled in? No, sir, those shoelaces were the work of Satan.
Hologram cards, now there I have to agree with you, were largely blameless in the matter.
Wow. Thats all I have to say. The fog got ranked lower than Children of the Damned and Vampires. Who ever did this list, just saying, you suck. Now maybe it's because I'm some fat shit horror nerd, realy thats how you would rank these?
I say again--The Fog blows. And you are fat.
What an anus sucking retrotard. Coffee, you also utterly lack any judgement whatsoever. Go back to your Donny and Marie Osmond reruns, you vacant inbreed.
Donny and Osmond got canceled. Laverne and Shirley is my shit.
@Coffee - fuck off! You are so evil. Laverne and Shirley? I felt a disturbance in the force itself when you posted that comment and immediately knew that I must return to the nerve to combat this spreading blight. Another job well done! Meet you at 5PM after shift at the diner for some beverage? Tick's gonna be there.
The force has been disturbed, Sammy. Tick owes me $10 dollars in late fees.
Tick is a whore for crimefightin'. Together we make a mean team! Let's go laminate some arch-enemy boobs, bro!
I love spreading the gospel of the "The Thing". It has aged so well and so few people under 30 have seen it, showed it to my gf recently and she loved it! Well, except for the part with the dogs.
I just showed it to my husband for the first time a month or so ago and he loved it too...I am such a nerd and he hasn't even seen the star wars movies, however did we get together i ask?
@Shawn, I'm there with you man. I always showcase The Thing as a classic of the art world, bringing the stark reality of paranoia and isolation the the viewers. It's up there with the original Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.
i asked my mom for a huskie 'thing' puppy for my birthday and she said no.
@Schnookie - it's not the huskie 'thing' puppy, it's the flamethrower kit that you have to buy with it. That's a lot of cash, little cowboy! Pucker up, things will improve when market demand and supply laws take over and Things are everywhere. Flamethrowers will plummet in price and then you can get the huskie 'thing' puppy and your flamethrower and confrom to local code.
Sincerely
A. Nony Mouse
"this film also features the kind of vampires without relationship problems or curfews, for which we should all be grateful. "
Amen to that!
"The Thing" rules!
The Thing ROOOLZ!
You ever seen the movie Ghost of Mars...onnnn weeeeeeeddddd???
Ghost of Mars feels like a John Carpenter rip-off...
I think he was taking a lot of acid at that point in his life. Natasha Henstridge is FIIINNNEEE though. She's got that space pooch going on.
Gotta go with the others and say "The Fog" deserves to be higher. That film was moody and while I can't remember the plot since I haven't seen it in so long, I still remember the mood.
Completely agree, Scott.
Completely disagree, Scott. But then again, I'm psychotic.
Well, hold on there. Back up the truck, Scott. I completely agree with you! I thought you were talking about something else. When we get to that, I'll completely disagree with you, and probably make veiled threats against you or something. Don't take it personally, I'm psychotic.
See, my personality has split and manifested itself thrice
But before the dark half of me takes over yet again, I disagree both with Scott and the part of me that agrees with him.
Hi all. It's the Dark Half, back again by poopular demand. I recant my prior attestations (especially the use of 'thrice' in a public forum - what was I thinking?) and avow that I am indeed the Dark Prince come back to roost upon your planet like the evil spawn of the loins of hell and ... oh, what was I saying? The Fog - what a great flick.
The real Alan Coffee would never use the words "attestations", "avow" or "recant" you stupid cocksucker
yeah the fog was godawful. they live is #2 on my list. there's no better metaphor for the prevalence of psychopathy out there.
Except for Alan Coffee!
Amen, brotha.
What about me? I'm psychotic as all shit! Watch this:
Alan Coffee: Hey, fuck you all niggas, I'm gonna kill every huskie in the hood! Yo!
Sam: See? I am being one bad assed mother fucker thrice over!
Glad to see The Thing ranked #1. I love this movie. I would rank Escape #2 , Halloween #3 and They Live #4. The Fog should be ranked higher. However having The Thing ranked #1 establishes all the credibility this list needs.
Shut the fuck up! Who cares how you'd rank them? It's not your column. The column's for the author. The comments are for the trolls. If you aren't in, then you're out. Don't make me come over there and beat the shit out of you.
Troll 2 rules
Thanks bro!
Troll bro!
Internet tough guys; gotta love 'em. Have had their bitch asses kicked all their lives, so they get revenge through the web. Hey Scott Lackey, good luck with that low self-esteem thing! Beotch!!
Prince of Darkness is my fav. The Fog I thought was kind of boring. Vampires wasn't so bad. Big Trouble In Little China scared the crap out of me when I was a little kid.
Last month?
What about "cigarette burns'. It may just be a TV episode from masters of Horror but it's up there with his best work....
Pro-Life was awesome, too. He made a lot of TV movies, though, none of which were covered.
I loved his pro-life stance! It made me want to snuggle up with him and his 'thing' stuffed animals alllll night long.
All John Carpenter flicks suck ass. He just sucks altogether. I wouldn't cross the street to spit on him.
I would if he was giving out candy. Then I'd spit on him.
Then he'd grab his candy back, and prolly kick you in the nuts.
And probably make it the story for his next movie
and likely make a million bucks at it.
ps - fuck you publius
John Carpenter and Kurt Russell - most successful actor/director relationship ever?
One of the best, for sure. But you've gotta keep in mind Dicaprio and Scorsese, P.T. Anderson and Seymour Hoffman, Lynch and Laura Dern, Scorsese and De Niro, Wes Anderson and Bill Murray, Kubrick and Sellers, Leone and Eastwood, Depp and Burton, Rafelson and Nicholson, De Palma and Pacino, Hitchcock and Stewart, Tarantino and Thurman, Spielberg and Hanks, Soderbergh and Clooney, Almodovar and Cruz, etc etc etc
No wait! Laurel and Hardy!
Would you rather spoon with the thing or John Carpenter?
THING BAYBEE! getitgetit
thing on thing on thing on thing again
Hey! Get your own name!
I have spooned with The Thing and am here to ingest your cellular fluids in order to replicate my spawn cells to all of humanity! Hey - where are the Cheetos?
I realize that part of the hook for a list like this is creating some controversy, but this list reads like you wrote down the names of Carpenter's films on cards and then shuffled them.
Clearly they fucking well did, dimwit.
You both probably suck animals off. Just saying.
You make that sound as if it's a bad thing....
Village of the Damned over The Fog?- Ahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid Cocknockers
@SSD - Don't be so hard on yourself, pal. You're not a stupid cocknockers, and you should never degrade or berate yourself. Hang in there bud, things will look up. Promise.
I know you gentlemen have been through a lot, but when you find the time, I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!
I thought you'd feel that way, Garry. You were the only one who could've gotten to that blood. We'll do you last.
That's way more clever than I was eexpctnig. Thanks!
I can arlaedy tell that's gonna be super helpful.
You all suck you fuckin scrotum sacks.
Definatly. The Thing is the best.. my top 3 are The Thing,
Prince of Darkness and Big trouble in Little China
Backflips, naked , spankin it! Giz on the ceiling
Rarely a night goes by that I don't watch ALIEN or THE THING. My two favorite movies of all time. Who could not sit for two hours and watch Kurt Russell kick ass in a beard!!!!
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from best to worst:
1. the thing
2. escape from new york
3. big trouble in little china
4. halloween
5. prince of darkness
6. the fog
7. they live
8.In the mouth of madness
The village, vampires, and the rest were .....meh at best. Never saw assault on precinct 13...
I think you accidentally switched "The Fog" with "Prince of Darkness." While both are filled with mood, "The Fog" is actually scary and delivers a creepy mythology, while "Prince of Darkness" is empty silliness.
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The fog was his best movie. Sorry trolls you are wrong.
Obv the answer is Halloween... the symbolism in They Live is amazing though
So terrible!
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