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December 13, 2010
The Ten Most Depressing Christmas Songs Ever Recorded
The holidays are a bummer. At least Tom Waits knows it.
By Jessica Gentile
Do you find the forced cheer of Christmas songs perversely depressing? Here are ten gloomy Christmas songs that may, in fact, cheer you up.
1) The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl, "Fairytale of New York"
Nothing says Christmas like youthful hopes and dreams crushed by alcoholism and drug addiction. Sung from the points of view of former lovers, the song features equal parts regret, melancholy and vitriol, whirling like raging snow. It's one of the most emotional holiday anthems of all time. "Happy Christmas your arse / I pray God it's our last." Amen.
2) Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, "Cold White Christmas"
Envision bleak twenty-something circumstances, then add a holiday. Dead-end job at a fast-food restaurant? Check. Complete absence of family and friends? Check. Moldy Minnesotan apartment and collect calls on Christmas? You bet. But, hey, at least you get to have beer for breakfast.
3) Okkervil River, "Listening to Otis Redding at Home During Christmas"
What better time to wax nostalgic for the one that got away than the holidays? Over plaintive chords, Will Sheff pines for snow days and Christmas cards from the girl who could have been more than just a friend. We've all got dreams to remember.
4) Sufjan Stevens, "Did I Make You Cry On Christmas Day? (Well, You Deserved It!)"
Trapped in an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship? No better day to end it than Christmas. Well, that's what Sufjan claims to have done. True or not, only someone as adorable as he could get away with it. Coldhearted-ness rarely sounded so charming.
5) Aimee Mann, "I Was Thinking I Could Clean Up For Christmas"
Christmas is usually full of festive drinks — champagne, egg nog, etc. But it looks like Aimee Mann will stick with a Shirley Temple this year. This dour ode to sobriety sure puts a damper on the open bar.
6) Tom Waits, "Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis"
Granted, this Waits classic only references Christmas in its title. But the holiday context takes this tale about a destitute, pregnant prostitute from depressing to downright devastating. Throw in Waits' been-around-the-block-too-many-times rasp and you've got a weeper for the ages.
7) The Boy Least Likely To, "Blue Spruce Needles"
The Boy Least Likely To
It's easy to get overly sentimental during the holidays. The sight of a lone spruce needle swept under the couch from last year's Christmas tree is enough to bring tears to your eyes, especially if you're single — because the same time last year, you weren't.
8) John Denver, "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk this Christmas)"
Here's one Christmas song John Denver never sang with the Muppets (no one wants to see their mother cry, especially not Kermit). The title of this twangy tune just about says it all.
9) Prince, "Another Lonely Christmas"
It's hard to imagine someone as notoriously sexy as Prince spending Christmas alone, let alone multiple Christmases alone (as implied by the title), let alone "drink[ing] banana daiquiris 'til [he's] blind" in an effort to dull the pain. (Although that probably is what Prince would drink.) If he's not even immune to the holiday blues, then we're all doomed.
10) King Diamond, "No Presents for Christmas"
"No presents for Christmas" could probably serve as a shock-rock anthem for Ebenezer Scrooge, or the Grinch, or your stingy aunt. Hail Santa!
Commentarium (39 Comments)
Joni Mitchell's "River" needs to be added to this list.
As does Frightened Rabbit's "It's Christmas So We'll Stop". There's a little bit of hope in it, but like most Frightened Rabbit songs, it's hope in the face of crushing depression.
"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" anyone?
Where's The Ramones' 'Merry Xmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)'? Surely that deserves a mention!
Thank you so much for every music column you do, and in which you include the songs. I have found so much good music by reading your website, and since I am old and go to bed early and I don't date the music boys anymore, it has been hard to know where to score the good music. Your columns are greatly appreciated.
No "Christmas Shoes"?
No, because no one should ever listen to Christmas Shoes, even to mock it!
Well, I thank you for showing me some songs I didn't know, but "Fairytale of New York" is actually my favorite Christmas song, period, and I don't consider it depressing. I consider if heartwarming and moving. Maybe it's just me.
I understand that a list like this could only really have one Sufjan Stevens song on it, but I would have nominated "That Was The Worst Christmas Ever" instead.
They missed Billy's Christmas... mid dies in Santa's arms on the way to heaven to visit hi dead father. Yikes
http://wn.com/Billy's_Christmas_Wish_by_Red_Sovine
Sorry but none of these songs are anywhere near as depressing as Christmas Mourning by Type O Negative... not even close. What other Christmas song is complete with children crying and bottles smashing?
This song is really depressing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwKjYb5PuNk
"The Late Great Johnny Ace" Paul Simon
"The Late Great Johnny Ace" Paul Simon
"Hard Candy Xmas" by Dolly Parton. Look it up!
"Brick" It's become forever associated with the Modern Rock stations for Xmas....
Oh! But what about The Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping!?!?!?" Quite melancholy, especially in light of the idea that the singer committed suicide. I don't know if that's really true - I've never researched it - but it it is, then the song is doubly sad!
"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"
Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.
"Christmas at Kmart" by Root Boy Slim absolutely needs to be here.
Whoodathunk: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X96Un6POoo8
The Greatest Xmas Ever from The BIg Rock Show: http://blip.tv/file/4513360
Winter Song by Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson.
So. So. So. So. Sad.
The fucking chorus goes
"Is love alive?"
That and
The Heartache Can Wait by Brandi Carlile.
Awesome songs but so sad. Both off of The Hotel Cafe's compilation Christmas album.
I'm gonna go cry now....
What, no Red Sovine, for shame. Try the song, "What does Christmas Look like Daddy". Also check out the Fools "I'll spend Christmas with a bottle and a jukebox". You can't forget the wartime song, "Christmas in the Jungle". Freddy Fender, "If Christmas comes to your house, can I come over for a while".
"Blue Xmas (To Whom it May Concern"" by Miles Davis. Pretty clearly recorded at Columbia's insistence and under protest.
What about "Hang Myself From the Tree" by the Vandals? Most depressing one I've ever heard.
I made a great Christmas blues playlist on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=DD07CD3733072BDE
Canceling Christmas, Michelle Featherstone
For those depressed from the loss of or missing a loved one this year
"Same Old Lang Syne" by Dan Fogelberg
Simon and Garfunkel did a version of "Silent Night" entitled "Seven O'Clock News/Silent Night". As the song played a voiceover began to be heard, reading the current news (actually the news of August 3, 1966 in that it mentions the death of comic Lenny Bruce). It gradually became louder and louder until the voiceover totally drowned out the song. It found as the final track of their "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme" album.
There's the Father Christmas song by ELP- surprised it didn't make the list...
Speaking of Father Christmas, how did the Kinks' Father Christmas not make it?
Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
We want your bread so don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
BTW, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas is a little sad but check out the original lyrics:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last,
Next year we may all be living in the past
It was written for a musical in 1944 during WWII. Fun huh?
I think Randy Newman's Christmas in Cape Town might be just about the most depressing song, not so much for personal reasons but for the picture it paints of racial inequity
364 days by murder city devils.
Hang Myself from the Tree - The Vandals
"First Christmas" by Stan Rogers and "Christmas Croaker" by John Weldon deserve mention.
"I'll Be Home For Christmas" is actually horribly depressing once you know the meaning and history of the song. It is written from the point of view of a WW1 soldier who thought the war was going to be over fast once the US got involved. It was not. Hence the line; "If only in my dreams".
What about Cat Carol by Meryn Cadell? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZMEXlHUQ0w
I enjoyed this, great stuff! Stop by and say hi sometime windermere accommodation