The Top Five Funny Sex Scenes
1/3/2008 4:25:00 PM
I fell asleep once when I was about to have sex — although, honestly, "passed out" might be a more accurate term for what actually happened to me. I had been up for three days studying for finals, and then I met this girl after my last test, and went back to her place, and had a few beers, and the last thing I remember was, I was going down on her, and she was like, "I want you fucking inside of me right now!" And that's the last thing I remember, except... I woke up, with a start, in her bed... and it was four hours later. And that's tough to recover from, let me tell you. For me, it was as if no time had passed at all, and I was ready to go again. But for her, four hours had passed, and it was now five in the morning, and that didn't really work out, and me and that girl didn't really hang out again so much, after that... Oh well.
I like the insistence on "taco-making" here. 'Nuff said.
Maybe "funny" is in the eye of the beholder. I don't know. For me, the humor of this scene comes from the gradually dawning realization — all too apparent on the face of the girl — that's she's nineteen years old, and is about to have sex with an idiot. You can even see her reconsidering for a split second — that moment of weird boredom before she takes her bra off, where in her head, she's clearly like, "Well, I'm already half-naked, we're twenty miles from home, and maybe he'll shut up and stop talking once we actually fuck." Excellent.
It was so hard for me to pick between this clip and the clip that actually won. In the end, I realized that for this clip, I was more relying on the funniness of the rest of the movie in order to carry it. I mean, yeah, this is a great scene, but much much funnier is the talk between Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson over breakfast the day:
Jeremy: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John. I'm fried.
John: Soft mattress?
Jeremy: Yeah, that could've been it. Could've been the soft mattress or it could've been the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
John: Try one of these scones, you're gonna love them.
Jeremy: I'm a little too traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.
Jeremy: (continuing) ...Look, I'm going to say this as nicely as possible: if we don't get the fuck out of here right now I'm going to kill you.
John: Can't do it.
Jeremy: Why not?!
John: I need another day.
Jeremy: ...I don't give a baker's fuck! I just had my own sock duct-taped into my mouth last night!
John: Woah, what?
Jeremy: Yeah, the, the sock that I wore all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth and then was duct-taped over it.
John: Well, then, let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.
Jeremy: I'm not going to discuss this. I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
...But in the end, "The Graduate" is the clear winner. Has there ever been a funnier movie made about sex? I think not. Look at the appalled reaction on Dustin Hoffman's face, intercut with the terrifying flashes of Mrs. Robinson's nudity. I only wish that this clip had kept Dustin Hoffman's insanely awkward conversation with her husband afterwards. Or this conversation, later in the movie, after Mr. Robinson discovers that Dustin (i.e., “Benjamin”) has been fucking his wife:
Mr. Robinson: Do you, ummm... do you want to tell my why you did it?
Benjamin: Mr. Robinson!
Mr. Robinson: Do you have a special grudge against me? Do you feel a particularly strong resentment? Is there something I've said that's caused this contempt, or is it just things I stand for that you despise?
Ben: ...Listen to me. What happened between Mrs. Robinson and me was nothing. It didn't mean anything. We might just as well have been shaking hands.
Mr. Robinson: Shaking hands? Well, that's not saying much for my wife, is it?
Hee hee. That's enough for now. And so, until we meet again for the next list... Shalom!
— Oliver
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Just a quick political note...
1/3/2008 3:06:55 PM
Hey! Iowa Voters! Yeah, you guys! You know, the people who are voting today in a totally unrepresentative and undemocratic process that will help select our next president. Do you think that you guys could make a good choice this time? Remember when you picked John Kerry, last time? DON'T DO THAT AGAIN. Seriously. I can't take this bullshit anymore. Don't make me drive up there and kick your asses. And don't choose Hillary. Here's the "1984" video in case you need reminding of what a Hillary presidency would be like...
Instead, choose Obama. Seriously. How hard is that? Look at this guy! What a stud!
Okay, that's a bad picture. But look at him again:
There. That's a little more Fonzie.
You know who else would vote for Obama, if she only lived in Iowa? Mathangi "Maya" Arulpragasam, otherwise known as "M.I.A." Why? Because they're both hot, they both have weird names, they're both smart, they're both from some foreign place in Asia, and I have a crush on both of them. (A non-sexual one, in Obama's case.) Even though M.I.A. sucks when she's performing live, and even though Obama is a little vague in his policy proposals. So do the right thing, Iowans! ...Americans! Vote Obama today!
--Oliver
coming next: The whole Jamie-Lynn Spears baby thing.
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Celebrity New Year's Resolutions
1/3/2008 2:53:03 PM
Did you make any New Year’s resolutions (that haven’t already fallen by the wayside)? Proving that, perhaps, celebrities are just like us, Funny or Die brings us “Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions.”
I feel a kinship with them. I mean, I definitely need to stop referring to my penis as “My Landline.” –N.A.
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The Quote Board
1/2/2008 1:38:34 PM
Hey, wow, is it 2008 already? That sure... happened, didn't it? Once again, I had the weirdest fucking New Year's Eve of all time; I'm sure I'll write about it later on, once I've had time to process it.
In the meantime, here are some of my favorite quotes; some inspirational and dis-inspirational words to help get you through the year ahead.
...But before we get to that, you may also be pleased to know that this blog has a new web address, which is nice, because even I couldn't remember our old one. So here's the new address for this blog: www.nerve.com/videoblog. Tell your friends and neighbors. By the way, fans of recursiveness will be pleased to know that clicking on that link will take you directly back to... this page. Whoo hoo!
So, below is the quote board. But first, here's more of what you come to this blog for; a video of a cat knocking over dominos!
So, there's that. And now...
____________________________________________________________
THE QUOTE BOARD.
Go too far in every direction; cross every firebreak, and then cross that one. Pile extremity upon extremity, and then more extremity, and then more.
--Martin Amis, London Fields
If personality is a successful series of unbroken gestures, then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened reactivity to hope... such as I have never seen before, and never hope to see again.
--F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
Shut up, he explained.
--Ring Lardner
Hold onto the here, the now, through which the future plunges into the past.
--James Joyce, Ulysses
And no more turn aside and brood
Upon love's bitter mystery;
For Fergus rules the brazen cars,
And rules the shadows of the wood,
And the white breast of the dim sea,
And all disheveled wandering stars...
--W.B. Yeats
Do you know it? Do you know what it is that I'm going to tell you?
--Flann O'Brian
Let them say what they liked, but I didn't mean to drown myself. I meant to swim until I sank – but that's not the same thing.
--Joseph Conrad, The Secret Sharer
Suicide is the night train, speeding your way towards darkness. You won't get there so fast, not by normal means. You take your ticket, and you climb on board. It's a one-way ticket, but it costs everything that you have. It's the night train.
--Martin Amis, Night Train
When I remember that dizzy summer, that dull, stupid, lovely, dire summer, it seems that in those days I ate my lunches, smelled another's skin, noticed a shade of yellow, even simply sat, with greater lust and hopefulness -- and that I lusted with greater faith, hoped with greater abandon. The people I loved were celebrities, surrounded by rumor and fanfare; the places I sat with them, movie lots and monuments. No doubt all of this is not true remembrance but the ruinous work of nostalgia, which obliterates the past, and no doubt, as usual, I have exaggerated everything.
--Michael Chabon, The Mysteries of Pittsburgh
These were people I would never have spoken to out of this room, but here, at the party, I loathed them more than I thought possible.
--Bret Easton Ellis, The Rules of Attraction
I say we nuke this place and get the hell out of here.
--Lt. Ripley, Aliens
GOOD ANGEL: And now, poor soul, must thy good angel leave thee.
(Music. The throne descends.)
The gates of Hell are open to receive thee.
(Exit. Hell is discovered.)
--Christopher Marlowe, The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus
Alas, my friends.
He looked not like the ruins of his former self,
But like the ruins of those ruins.
--John Ford, The Broken Heart
Now I dream of the soft touch of women, the songs of birds, the smell of soil crumbling between my fingers, and the brilliant green of plants that I diligently nuture. I am looking for land to buy and I will sow it with deer and wild pigs and birds and cottonwoods and sycamores and build a pond and the ducks will come and fish will rise in the early evening light and take the insects into their jaws. There will be paths through this forest and you and I will lose ourselves in the soft curves and folds of the ground. We will come to the water's edge and there will be a small, unobtrusive sign that says, THIS IS THE REAL WORLD... AND WE ARE ALL IN IT. ...I am not making this up, it will all really happen, it is all already happening.
--Charles Bowden
First of all:
—I am tired, I am true of heart!
And also:
—You are tired, you are true of heart!
--Dave Eggers
Nothing can come from nothing.
--William Shakespeare
Where you have nothing, there you should want nothing.
--Samuel Beckett
The process of getting shot by a bullet is very interesting and I think deserves to be described in great detail.
--David Markson
"You hear that? The kid here says he's never been crazy yet."
"He's got a lot coming to him."
--Ernest Hemingway
Where are my women now, with their wild wet ways, and their songs?
--Denis Johnson
Thy fingers make early flowers of all things.
Thy hair mostly the hours love.
A softness that sings, saying--
Though life be but a day,
We will go a-Maying.
--e.e. cummings
Brown hair is sweet,
Brown hair over the mouth blown...
--T.S. Eliot, Ash Wednesday
And meanwhile, time goes about its immemorial work of making everyone look, and feel, like shit. You got that? And meanwhile, time goes about its immemorial work, of making everyone look -- and feel -- like shit.
--Martin Amis, London Fields
Prediction? Pain.
--Mr. T, Rocky III
"Baby, when you were young and your heart was an open book, you used to say live and let live. You know you did, you know you did, you know you did."
--Bret Easton Ellis, Glamorama
And the days are not long enough,
And the nights are not long enough,
And life slips by like a field mouse,
Not even shaking the grass.
--Ezra Pound
A. A violent order is disorder; and
B. A great disorder is an order. These
Two things are one. (Pages of illustrations.)
--Wallace Stevens
It is difficult
to get the news from poems
yet men die miserably every day
for lack
of what is found there.
--William Carlos Williams
...As I sd to my
friend, because I am
always talking,--John, I
sd, which was not his
name, the darkness sur-
rounds us, what
can we do against
it, or else, shall we &
why not, buy a goddamn big car,
drive, he sd, for
christ's sake, look
out where yr going.
--Robert Creeley
And Jesus said: Become passers-by.
--The Gospel of Thomas
____________________________________________________________
...So, anyway, I hope that those words of wisdom helped you in some small way. Your regular, more topical video blog will return later today or tomorrow. Leave your quotes in the comment section! Bye now!
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Top Babies' Names.
12/28/2007 11:33:49 AM
It's time for my favorite recurring end-of-the-year feature! The top 10 babies' names for the past year, courtesy of some website or other. Whoo hoo! I'm always fascinated by this list, for some reason. Remember when everyone was named "Jason" or "Jennifer"? Well, somewhere along the line, Americans got together in a huddle or something and decided, "Wait a minute, we can make our kids' names way more pretentious than that." And so we did. Kudos to you, Americans!
Keep in mind, this is being written by someone whose name is "Oliver," and that I, personally, want to name my children "Illyana" and "Dannon," respectively. So I guess I have no point. Yeah, "Dannon" like the yogurt. Just trust me. It'll be a good name, you'll see! Anyway, here are the top 10 girls' and boys' names for the past year, with my parenthetical comments included. Enjoy!
Top 10 Girl Names
1) Sophia - "Sophia" is a pretty name. It also means "wisdom" in ancient Greek, which I guess is better than naming your daughter "Lindsay" or "Britney," both of which mean "slut" in ancient Greek. The only slight problem that I have with this name is the same problem that I have with the next name on our list...
2) Isabella - "Isabella" and "Sophia" are both pretty names, and are totally appropriate, if you're Italian or are a princess in a Disney movie. If you're living in South Dakota and name your kid "Isabella," on the other hand, in means that you're -- what's that word again? -- oh yeah. Nouveau riche.
3) Emma - I once had a dog named "Emmy" and so when I hear the name Emma, all I can think of is my old dog. Emmy was one hell of a dog, though, so that's no disrespect against all the girls named "Emma" out there. On a totally unrelated note, whenever I hear the name "Beth," I think of the word "Barf." It's totally involuntary on my part. But I've dated a couple of girls named Beth, and I eventually unwisely bring this fact up, and then they get pissed off at me.
4) Madison - If you want to name your daughter after the mermaid in "Splash!" I'm not going to be the one to stop you, dude.
5) Ava - A palindrome! We need more names that are palindromes. Hell, we need more palindromes, period. After "Able was I ere I saw Elba," and "A man, a plan, a canal: Panama," the whole palindrome thing just sort of peters out. Maybe someone could get to work on creating some new ones.
6) Addison - This one was confusing to me. "Addison?" I said, "Isn't that a hotel or something?" So I did some research. ...Apparently, Addison is the name of some chick on "Grey's Anatomy," which, thank god, I've never watched. But that's why the name is popular now. I saw "Grey's Anatomy" for two seconds once when I was flipping through channels, and there were two doctors, and they were making out. Sort of like the time I accidentally flipped to "Sex in the City" for two seconds, and people were having sex. In both cases, I was like, "Yeah, that's pretty much what I figured," and I never watched the show again. Anyway: the name Addison. I just picture a whole bunch of grumpy 45 year-old women chain-smoking in a diner somewhere, and they're all named Addison, and they're saying to each other, "Yeah, so your mom watched that shitty show too, huh?"
7) Hailey - I think "Hailey" was the name of the hot evil girl on "One Tree Hill." Or maybe the good girl on "One Tree Hill." All the girls on "One Tree Hill" were identically hot, which made it hard to remember which ones were good and which ones were evil. Note to TV producers: evil girls should always be hotter than good girls. Always. And yeah, I know I just admitted to watching "One Tree Hill," thereby throwing away all the street-cred I had built up by dissing "Grey's Anatomy." Whatever. I'm not even going to defend myself here. The first season of the "Tree" was good! And my girlfriend at the time was watching it! Whatever. Leave me alone.
8) Emily - Nothing wrong with this name.
9) Kaitlyn - Dude, unnecessary "K"s and "Y"s in a name are so 1995. Lame. Give me a call when you get out of the grunge era. In fact, here, I'll help bring you up to speed: Kurt Cobain dies, and then we elect a moron Texan guy as our president. Also, the internet. There. You're good.
10)Olivia - True story. My friend Chris is the same age as me, and he has three daughters: Emma, Madison, and Olivia. (Note; also a true story: at a certain point, I called him up and was like, "You are aware that they have invented condoms, right?" And he was like, "Yeah, we're looking into that.") Anyway, wow! Three names, three top tens! If I ever make enough money to invest in the stock market, I want Chris picking the stocks for me.
Top 10 Boy Names
1) Aiden - Aiden is a great name... if you're born in a shanty in Dublin or Belfest. But if you're born in, say, Pennsylvania, then I have the same problem with this name as I do with "Isabella" above.
2) Ethan - Wow. The name "Ethan" used to seem pretentious. It's a measure of how far we've come with pretentious names that it now seems totally normal and All-American. As a total side-note, when I went to grad school for fiction, you could always tell if someone was going to be a shitty writer if they named all their characters things like "Ethan," "Zoë," or "Clarissa." "Ethan walked moodily down the pavement as he pondered the demise of his relationship with Clarissa." Shut up. No he didn't. I used to name my characters things like "Bob." Because there are a lot of people named Bob.
3) Jacob - Fine.
4) Jayden - Are we 100% convinced that this is a guy's name? For real? Anyway, enjoy your future career as a Hairdresser/Heroin Junkie/"American Idol" Contestant, Jayden!
5) Caleb - Oh, fine, I guess. It's in the Bible somewhere, right?
6) Noah - I like the name "Noah." In fact, maybe that would be a better name for a boy than "Dannon." Seriously, I'm reconsidering this whole thing. As a kid, you'd probably get less rocks and stuff thrown at you if your name was "Noah" instead of "Dannon," right?
7) Jackson - "Jackson" is a last name. Come on! It means "Son of Jack." I didn't even have to study Ancient Greek to figure that one out. Although naming your kid "Jackson" does have appealing "Catch-22" "Major Major Major Major" potential. If you named your kid "Jackson Jackson Jackson," I'd think that you were cool.
8) Jack - There are names, like "Jayden," that are too wussy and pretentious. And then there's "Jack," which I feel is trying too hard in the other direction. "Yeah, my name's motherf@#king Jack. I'm a real man. Every day, I wake up, throw on my lumberjack shirt, shoot some deer, eat the raw meet with my bare hands, and then spend the rest of the day bashing rocks into pebbles with my forehead. You got some sorta problem with that? Huh? Fancy-boy? Fancy-boy?" ...Or am I being too picky here?
9) Logan - "Logan" makes me think of berries, and of "Wolverine" from "The Uncanny X-Men," whose real name is Logan. I'd say more here, but this blog is already way too fucking long.
10)Matthew - Really? That's it? Matthew? Matt? Couldn't we funkify that up a bit? Like, couldn't we spell it Maythew or Maytthyew or something? As long as we're going the weird name route with all of these, let's just try and make every name look like it's Welsh or from "The Lord of the Rings".
...And that's it! ...Until next year!
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Bullet Points
12/27/2007 10:37:15 PM
--> You know what's a bad scenario for the holidays? Having two parents that you like, and two step-parents that you really really really don't like. Talk about a recipe for disaster. The only real comparison I can think of is in James Bond movies, where there's always one good girl and one evil girl, and he has to deal with them both.
--> Actually, the only reason that I brought up James Bond is that I watched "Casino Royale" again this weekend. I still can't believe that Eva Green drowns herself at the end of that movie. It gets a little misty around Nerve Video Blog HQ when that part comes on, if you catch my drift.
--> I had one of the worst Nerve.com dates in the history of Nerve.com dates last Thursday night. Remind me to blog about it at some point. I don't feel like I'm up to the task yet.
--> The blog formatting here at Nerve won't actually let me use "bullets." I just realized that. So now the title of this blog makes no sense. I guess I could change the title to "Arrow Heads." But that seems dumb.
--> By the way, my New Year's plans? I'm driving to Key West with this girl I briefly dated when I lived in New York. She's cool, she's funny, she used to be a model. Now: here's my problem. She knows I like her, I know that she knows that I like her, etc... What we're not convinced of is whether she likes me enough to mess around with me again. So, I could wind up trapped on a beautiful island with a pretty girl who doesn't want to make out with me. On New Year's Eve. Do the potential advantages here outweigh the potential disadvantages? I say yes. ...But then, I'm kind of an idiot.
--> Also by the way, my least successful holiday of all time? New Year's Eve. I've had good Valentines, good birthdays, but almost no fun New Years. ...Okay, so I'm what... 32 years old. So that's 14 New Years since I was eighteen years old. I've had three actual fun New Years in that period. I'm not good at math, but I just called up the Windows accessory calculator, and divided that one... that's a success rate of 21%. Or a batting average of .210. If this was baseball, I'd be in the extreme minor leagues.
--> And I'm including the year that "my girlfriend and I broke the futon while having sex, then got in fight about something" as one of my three good New Years. If we subtract that one, then my success rate goes down to a dreadful 14%. I'm just saying.
--> I don't even remember what I did last year for New Years.
--> ...And does Eva Green have to kill herself at the end of "Casino Royale"? I really feel like James Bond was ready to forgive her. Wouldn't that have been like a five minute conversation? "Look, I'm sorry I betrayed you to terrorists but they were going to kill my old boyfriend, but now I kind of like you better than him." There. Done! Instead she drowns herself in an elevator shaft. I just don't get women, sometimes...
--> Now I remember what I did last year for New Years. Went to a bar with my friend, met some random cute girl, made out with her, then she disappeared. Meh. The year before that, I went to Manhattan, and came down with the stomach flu, two hours before midnight. I swear to god. We were at an apartment just off of Times Square, and we were about to leave for some party in Brooklyn, then I was like, "Hold on for a second," went to the bathroom, and started throwing up. Eventually my friends had to leave. So I spent New Years alone, in a stranger's hosue, while being sick, four blocks away from 100,000 people cheering and watching the ball-drop in Times Square. Oh my god. I don't even want to talk about this anymore.
--> This year has to be better than that, right? Anyway, I think I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow. I'll keep you posted from the road...
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Oliver Presents... Ten More Things to Be Grateful for This Holiday Season.
12/24/2007 4:05:09 PM
1) Sandwiches -- Do you realize that before the invention of the sandwich, we all just had to eat huge greasy legs of mutton and beef? Yuck! And do you realize that with the addition of bread, anything can be a sandwich? Leftover turkey? Turkey sandwich! Pepperoni and string cheese? Pepperoni/cheese sandwich! Chocolate sauce and mashmallow fluff? Chocoflufftastic sandwich! And so on. I've been on a diet for the last week, 'cause I'm going to the beach for vacation, so I've been eating nothing more than sprouts, pickles, and mustard on wheat bread. Sometimes, to spice things up, I add sliced jalapeño peppers. It's delicious and I'm losing weight! Anyway, about the only thing that I haven't tried making sandwiches of is other sandwiches. Meatloaf sandwich sandwich? That'd be a piece of meatloaf, between two pieces of bread, between two pieces of bread. And it sounds good to me! It'd be tasty and recursive.
2) Sleep -- Pause for a second and think about this... without sleep, we'd all have to keep doing stuff, all of the time. Imagine; you go to a cool party, and instead of eventually getting to go home, you just have to keep standing there making chit-chat, until 9 in the morning. That girl you slept with last night? You guys would just have to stay up and keep talking about your college majors and what you have in common, until 9 in the morning. Everything would just keep happening, forever. Sounds awful. And so, we salute you, o sleep!
3) The Sun -- The sun makes all life on earth possible, which is awesome. Rock on, o sun! ...But on the other hand this means that the sun makes the continued existence of Lindsay Lohan possible, which is bad. I'm going to err on the side of caution here and call this one a wash.
4 Eggs -- I don't much care for eggs myself, having had a bad experience with scrambled eggs once when I was stoned. But aren't they cool? Shell, egg white, yolk, all in one neat little package. I admire good design like that.
5) Sex -- ...Speaking of which, evolutionarily speaking, we could have all ended up as some type of animal that just dumps his sperm on a big load of eggs. It seems like it would have been hard to make that fun, even with the right soft jazz music and scented candles. So let's all pause and be grateful that human beings get to have sex.
6) Cigarettes -- ...Cigarettes are great. They give you something to do with your hands! I had a terrible time figuring out what to do with my hands before I took up smoking. I used to fidget. A lot. Plus, they're like an instant asshole detector. "Hey, man, your smoking is, like, really bothering me? Could you move?" Sure. No problem. Asshole.
7) Booze -- ...I'm not really allowed to sample this any more, but man, booze, i.e., alcohol, is great. We had some fun times together, booze, now didn't we? You old trickster, you! ...You were always getting me into scrapes and hijinks and misunderstandings and such! C'mere, booze! (Grabs booze by the head.) Noogie! Ha ha ha! Ah, good times...
8) TV -- Free entertainment that doesn't require any thinking. Yes! In your motherf@#king face, books! "...Hey, books! Welcome to Loserville. Population: you."
9) The Internet -- Man oh man, what did I ever do before the invention of the internet? I can't totally recall, but I think that it involved a lot of human interaction. And human interaction, as we know, is dangerous. That's what leads to drive-by shootings and STDs and marriage and stuff.
10) You -- Yes, you! No, I'm serious! Come on over here, "you"! Don't be shy! No, you deserve it! I love you and you're awesome. You know why? Because you just read this whole thing. And it only took me like twenty minutes to write, but I got paid ten bucks to write it. And then you had to read it. And you were probably like, "Hey, that Oliver... he's okay. He's kind of... a funny guy." And that is why you are awesome. Seriously, I couldn't do this without... you.
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Tidings of Comfort and Joy!
12/24/2007 1:07:06 PM
...Here's my continuing list of things to be grateful for this holiday season. (In no particular order):
1) The fact that they're making the "Terminator" movies into a TV show. On Fox! It's really been too long since we've heard the words, "Come with me if you want to live." Of course, I say this to people all the time. But no one ever listens.
2) The continuing Hollywood writers' strike means that will be no more episodes of the "Late Show with Craig Ferguson." At least for the time being.
3) Soon, very soon, my friends and I will have this, THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME EVER MADE:
4) This girl:
5) Only one more year of this guy!
6) And we might get this guy instead:
7) In one week, I'm going to Key West with this girl:
8) The continuing non-destruction of the world by killer bees. Seriously, I've been worrying about killer bees since I was five years old. Are they ever gonna get here?
9) In only two more years, it'll be 2010. According to "2010" the movie, that means only two more years until evil talking computers and Jupiter turning into a sun. Plus, 2010 means the end of the Cold War. That'll be nice. I'm ready for that fucker to end.
10) The fact that only about two people got that "2010" joke in the last entry.
11) I might be getting a book published this year! Mwah ha ha ha!
12) Only fifty-three more years until the return of Halley's Comet! It's good to have things to look forward to.
13) The fact that my friends and I are starting a darts team this year, and our team nickname is gonna be "Chocolate Thunder." Supersweet!
14) Hitler: still dead!
15) Every year that I get older, my pop-culture references get more of out date, and thus more obscure and ironic, and thus probably more hipster-ishly funny. And hey... how about those Spice Girls? Do they suck or what! Am I right, people? Yeah, I'm right.
16) The fact that I've written this far into this list without thinking of a funny way to end it.
17) Goddamn it!
18) Hey, you fuckers! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
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The Top Five Voyeuristic Sex Scenes
12/20/2007 5:00:00 PM
Wow, I can't, um, believe that Sharon Stone was available to do "Basic Instinct 2." ...Stay tuned for "Basic Instinct 3: Adventures in Menopause"! Anyway, the problem with the "Basic Instinct" movies, as far as I can see, is that they try to make sex "extreme." In my humble opinion, sex is pretty "extreme" as it is, and doesn't really need any further improvement, thanks. See, if you go all out in trying to make sex extreme, they pretty soon you're doing it while riding a motorcycle or inside a collapsing dam or with a tribal African voodoo guy like in this clip, and I'm not totally convinced that any of these things are any sexier than plain old regular sex. But then, my name isn't "Joe Eszterhas."
Anyway, it's a movie, there's some voyeurism going on. The guy watching Sharon Stone having sex seems unconvinced as to whether he's going to have an orgasm or throw up in his own mouth, which I guess is the way we all feel sometimes. By the way, "Basic Instinct 2" (full title, "Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction") has been rated the 70th worst movie of all time by www.rottentomatoes.com. It was only in the theaters for 17 days. Though apparently one reason for the movie's crappy performance was that it, quote, "faced a lot of competition with 'Ice Age: The Meltdown' opening on the same weekend." And Sharon Stone does actually want to make a third movie. See, I love factoids like these. This is the whole reason that the internet was invented.
It's hard to get much more voyeuristic than a giant, wrathful, looming monster eye. That's pretty much voyeurism to the nth degree. Major bonus points for the crappy digital effects. And for the snake. ...And also some bonus points for the fact that the girl seems like a jerk. I hope the Eye gets her.
Hot French girl, couch, disco music... there. That's much better. I really feel like voyeurism is one of those things that happens a lot in the movies but not so much in real life. I've had a couple of chances to witness other people having sex in real life, and in all of those situations, I've been out the door in 0.8 seconds. ...And hey -- look at the indescribably pissed-off expression on the face of the older French lady! Man, she looks like she's just had to sit through an entire viewing of "Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction". Yes, the Sharon Stone jokes keep coming fast and furious here at Nerve.com.
A nice thing happened with this movie. I was flipping randomly through cable channels, and I clicked over to this movie, and then this exact scene came on. I watched it, saw Jennifer Connelly being all naked and come-hithery, and then the scene was over and I could go watch something else. Yeah, I could have watched the rest of it, but there was basketball or something else on. And anyway, I had already seen the best part of the movie! This is sort of the reverse of what usually happens to me in bookstores... where I open a book, read a good paragraph, think the rest of it is to be great, and then find out when I get home that I've randomly read the only good part of the book already. Sort of.
Bonus fun fact about Jennifer Connelly: her mother made her and her sisters all get breast implants when they turned 18. I have no idea why I know this, but I do. I guess this would be the equivalent of my dad injecting me and my brothers with steroids as soon as we left high school. And that's creepy. Anyway, that's just another bonus factoid from your friends at Nerve and the SSDB.
I know, I know, I'm sort of breaking the rules here. But for me, there are only two types of voyeurism that really work: looking in the mirror voyeurism, and self-voyeurism. And here we have an example of each: seeing yourself while doing it in an overhead mirror, and reflecting upon having sex later on.
Having sex with someone while staring in a mirror is always an interesting experience, because people instantly break down into one of two types: 1) People who are somewhat embarrassed. 2) People who simply cannot stop looking at themselves. ...I don't know what this says about the partner, but it definitely says something.
As for the second type of voyeurism, represented by "Pillow Book": Memoria praeteritorum bonorum, or "remembering past good things," well, that's probably the best type of voyeurism of all. I'll be honest, sometimes I enjoy reflecting upon having sex with someone more than I really enjoyed the actual act at the time. Memory is perfect; real sex, on the other hand, often involves painfully bashing your head against a headboard or the complex shifting of weight. There's nothing wrong with these things, but sometimes it's pleasant to elide them.
I know that this is probably more SAT words, Latin, and philosophical reflection that you expected from a "Best of 5" sex list... but what can I say? I've got to make my graduate degree pay off somehow.
And so, until we meet again. Ave atque vale!
— Oliver
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A few of my favorite things...
12/20/2007 4:43:26 PM
I think as Christmas season as being the time to give thanks. Yeah, I know, Thanksgiving is more properly that time, but I'll be honest -- I've never given a flying fuck about Thanksgiving. Wow. We get to eat a big huge meal. Big whoop. I generally only eat once a day anyway, so the prospect of having to eat even more than that has never appealed to me that much. Food bores me; it really does. I'm always stunned by people who can manage to eat three meals in a day. How do you ever have time to do anything else? By the time you're done breakfast, lunch, and dinner, it's gotta be almost time for bed, am I right?
Anyway, how did I go off on that tangent? ...So, um, one of the things that I am thankful for are old cartoons. I did a YouTube search for them today, and I found all of my old favorites. (With the exception of the one about the two dogs who perform on vaudeville and who fall in love, and who spend the whole cartoon shouting "John!" and "Marsha!" at each other. If you ever find that one, please let me know.)
So here are some of my favorites. Yeah, Bugs and Daffy are always good, but some of my favorite cartoons were the one-offs, the more anonymous characters who never quite found a home in our hearts. And here they all are: Droopy, Marc Antony and Pussyfoot, Claude Cat, anonymous fox, anonymous squirrel, world's smallest horse...
One thing that struck me, rewatching all these cartoons, was that they're all about perseverence; each and every one of them. Maybe that's because they were made in the 1930s and 40s; an era when Americans had to overcome a Great Depression and a World War. But look at these cartoons; they're all about striving, they're all about not giving up. Marc Antony will always try to love Pussyfoot, Droopy will always defend his sheep, that squirrel will never stop trying to crack open that coconut.
Anyway, that's enough out of me. Here's some cartoons:
1) Droopy in "Sheep Wrecked"
Twenty years later, I still remember the sound of the sheep crunching their way through everything, them eating the moon, and also the bizarre southern wolf with the Civil War hat. And Droopy... what a great character; he's got like manic depression or bipolar disorder or something. Awesome.
(Update: Goddamn it! This isn't the right cartoon! What's the one where the sheep eat everything? Okay, I admit it; I don't actually watch all the videos before I post them. But you, you blog readers -- someone let me know when I make mistakes like this.)
2) Marc Antony and Pussyfoot in "Feed the Kitty"
That poor, long-suffering bulldog. The sight of the kitty literally ripping the flesh off his back was always a little traumatic for me.
3) Anonymous Fox in "Fox Pop"
I've been looking for this cartoon for years. I loved this fox, and talk about perseverence; he just keeps on going, even though what he's actually doing is trying to get himself killed and skinned alive. I always loved his belief that human beings just really really liked foxes and wanted to hang out with them.
4) Claude Cat in "Chow Hound"
"Don't forget the gravy!" Ah, good times. And Claude Cat does finally have his terrible, and somewhat disgusting revenge at the end.
6) Barney Bear in "Half-Pint Palomino"
My best friend Tiffany will have a heart attack when she sees this cartoon. She's been talking about it for years. "You think I'm small? You should see my brother!"
(Update: Okay, once again, I didn't have time to watch this cartoon until later on. So that isn't actually the ending dialogue from the cartoon. That's what Tiffany told me the ending dialogue was. ...Some might use this an occasion to reflect, in a Proustian sense, about how unreliable memory truly is. I, on the other hand, an simply impressed that my dumb-ass friend told me about this cartoon so many times while still getting the ending wrong.)
7) Anonymous Squirrel in "Much Ado About Nutting"
Another cartoon that it took me years to find. I finally remembered that it was a fucking coconut that he was trying to crack, and so I typed "squirrel coconut" into Google. Found it in seconds. Notice, by the way, that there's not a single word of dialogue in this whole cartoon. And yet it's still awesome. That's impressive.
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