Hargitay, Meloni: Guilty of Sexiness in the First Degree
3/28/2007 5:05:37 PM
True story: We met Mariska Hargitay. And not only was she nice, but she was eye-bogglingly beautiful. Like, more beautiful than she is on TV. Never met Chris Meloni, but we imagine he’s intense. Innnntense. We imagine that, even when ordering his morning coffee, he has the icy cold conviction of a vigilante. These two serve up cold hard justice, just where we like it. Wait, a little to the left. Ahhh, yes. Perfect. So today we asked you a question: Who is the sexiest copper on TV? You voted , and there were many contenders—Jesse L. Martin, Chris Noth, Michael Chiklis, Jimmy Smits (sadly, no love for Dennis Franz)—but the prize has to go to the steamy duo of Mariska Hargitay and Chris Meloni. Or, as they’re known on Law & Order: SVU, “the cop played by Mariska Hargitay" and the “cop played by Chris Meloni.” In the criminal justice system, these two are considered especially gorgeous! —Sarah Hepola
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Scanner Cares: Tax Time
3/28/2007 4:30:00 PM
It's less than a month until April 15th. Start bugging your ex-roommate to forward those W2's now, or else this guy is going to charge you double for his services.
"I'm over 45, if that matters to you."
As long as we don't get audited, we'll close our eyes and pretend you're Alex P. —Erin Bradley
Related: SandyD: The Sexy Accountant (NSFW), Extreme write-offs on MSN Money.
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80s Electropop Group Becomes Fabulous New Birth Control Pill
3/28/2007 4:00:00 PM
The other day we were absentmindedly watching television when a commercial came on.
A beautiful white woman turned to her beautiful black friend. “I’m having an awesome period,” she said. (We’re paraphrasing.) “You know why? Because I’m on this hot new birth control pill, Yaz.”
YAZ???? Okay, Gen Yers, this is a bit like a new birth control being called Smashing Pumpkins. Or Spin Doctors. See, Yaz was a hot group in the early 80s. Their song “Only You” was a serious slow-dance jam for the JAMS generation. So the idea that this is now birth control? Yeesh. Then again, Yaz always was a kind of birth control. That band was gayer than Depeche Mode.
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Addicted to Addicted to Boy Beauty Blog
3/28/2007 3:00:00 PM
List of things to love about the Addicted to Boy Beauty blog:
—Erin Bradley
Photo from the ADBB blog.
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Video of the Day: Charles has a Licking Problem
3/28/2007 1:51:24 PM
Not to be an enabler, Charles, but we're really going to be sad when you get to that 6th step of your 12 step program. You know, the one that goes:
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
Because we don't see your problem as a problem at all. In fact, we wish there were more males like you. The human kind, of course. —Erin Bradley
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Hey Mr. Christfucker Autopsy, Let’s Watch the Mouth
3/28/2007 1:19:09 PM
We’ll let you boys play your death metal, but don't you dare say any cuss words. Organizers of the Netherlands Els Rock open air metal festival clearly hate fun.
“Two religious political parties complained that heavy metal ‘is typified by lyrics about death and decay, and vocals that change between a hellish wail and deep grunts.’”
Ummm...EXACTLY?! That’s why we like it, Mom. God. Jeez. —Erin Bradley
P.S. Free black hoodie and tube of acne cream to anyone who can identify the band in this photo.
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The New Hotness: Manflaps
3/28/2007 12:23:27 PM
We have nothing to say about these equal-opportunity mudflap stickers save one thing: Well-played, friends. Well-played. (Thanks to Derrik for the link.)
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Today in Nerve: Winner Gets $500, Clean Undies
3/28/2007 12:06:09 PM
You’ve got four more days to enter the Nerve Amateur Photo Contest. This month’s theme: The sexiest photo of someone doing laundry. The pointy-headed Nerve liaisons from Price-Waterhouse tell us there aren’t too many entries this month, so your chances to win are that much greater! Time to head to the laundromat with your digital camera and your sexiest bottle of Snuggle fabric softener.
In other parts of the magazine, Scanner babe Erin Bradley, aka “Miss Information”, runs interference after a St. Patrick Day’s drunkfest, and Stephen Elliott offers a short story about touring the country with sex workers.
Oh, and also, did you know Nerve has a new online video blog? If we’re lyin’, we’re dyin’, and baby, we’re too young to die. Check it out.
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Bringing Sexy Back to Your Chin: Peel-and-Stick Beauty Marks
3/28/2007 11:15:16 AM
It’s hard to be a beautiful woman (or man!) in today’s world. Shoes are expensive, and Jeremy Piven is always trying to get into your pants. (Piven, we can get chlamydia from men who WON’T pay for a tip in DVDs, thanks.) And have we even talked about how hard it is to put on makeup? Hard! Which is why we are SO RELIEVED to discover HottieDots! Do you know about the HottieDots? Because contrary to our original belief, you do not buy them at the movie theater concession stands. Listen up, kids:
“As an off-ramp model, Miki Lanese was constantly painting and penciling on beauty marks. ‘These pricey items were always smudging, smearing and wearing off within a few hours,’ said Lanese... After years of working with unsatisfactory products, Lanese invented Hottiedots! They are the first and only peel and stick instant beauty marks offered in the United States.”
Woof, she’s right about how hard it is to draw on a beauty mark. Last time we tried, it required a protractor and a hot-glue gun. But wait, you say. What is the historical significance and/or celebrity allure of a beauty mark? Funny you should ask:
“Beauty marks became vogue [SIC] in the twentieth century when Marilyn Monroe sported one. More recently, Madonna (below nostril), Demi Moore (chin), Gwen Stefania [SIC] (body), Cindy Crawford and even Robert DeNiro have all proudly displayed beauty marks.” History buffs will remember that 18th-century whores originally used beauty marks to cover up their cold sores. So, Piven, have we got a tip for you!
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Journalism 101: When Praising Cricket Skill, Invoke Gynecology
3/28/2007 10:35:20 AM
A story about New Zealand cricketer Michael Papps. Someone on the copy desk was sooooo proud of this. (via SpareRoom).
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Question of the Day: The Hottest Cops on Television
3/28/2007 9:56:47 AM
A few weeks ago—months? years? decades?—we talked about the hottest doctors on television. Man, there are a lot of MDs on the boob tube. If we knew as many doctors in real life as we know from TV, we wouldn’t have to go to Mexico for our Valium, that’s for sure. Same thing with cops. Can you even count the number of television shows about cops these days? Let’s try: The Wire, The Shield, Law & Order (times three), ChiPS. That’s still on, right? So here’s our question of the day: Who is the sexiest cop on television? Watch out; these cats have handcuffs.
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In the News: Panda Porn, Times Catfight, Too Much Beef
3/28/2007 9:04:48 AM
Pandas becoming like people: Chuang Chuang the panda watches porn, was too heavy to mate. RELATED: Giant panda dies in China after 12 years of no sex.
Wacky medical report of the day: Mothers eating too much beef during pregnancy may have sons with low sperm count.
Catfight at the New York Times Styles section. Does anyone smell a trend piece?
Naval Academy investigating allegations of lewd behavior on a Caribbean cruise. Apparently they were taking orders from Captain Morgan.
Writers Mary Karr, Frank McCourt, and Alison Bechdel explain how they broke the news about their dishy memoirs.
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WWYR?, Supermodel Edition: And the Winner Is...
3/27/2007 5:00:00 PM
Oh, Naomi. You are crazier than a Jackson Family reunion, scarier than a blind date with Bobby Brown. But it’s hard to resist the chiseled onyx beauty that has been your calling card for more than a decade. That, and everyone seems terribly annoyed by Tyra Banks. We have the feeling our readers weren’t too enthused with the idea of choosing between you and the Skipper Barbie of afternoon talk shows—someone defaulted and chose Whitney Houston (twice)—but isn’t it nice to know that a sideline in breaking BlackBerries over your personal assistants’ heads isn’t going to stop people from wanting to screw you? Naomi Campbell, you get the last laugh.
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Today in Nerve: Telling It Like It Is
3/27/2007 4:24:28 PM
Katie Liederman interviews emcee Bunny Rabbit and her lesbian lover/beatboxing backup, Black Cracker. Says Bunny, “Some guy came up to me after a show and said, ‘That was good, but I was trying really hard not to think about sex as I watched you perform,’ and I thought, ‘Why? What's wrong with thinking about sex?’” And, in "A Plague on Both Your Houses," writer Maggie Padereau explains that getting STDs is a lot easier than you think. It’s living with them that’s the tricky part.
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Up Next in the Lettuce & Cigarette Division: Nicole Richie
3/27/2007 4:00:00 PM
Competitive eaters are getting skinnier, says this article in the Washington Square News. Third-ranked grocery slayer and one of the sport's lone hotties Pat Bertoletti:
"I would say that the big man is an extinct dinosaur and that the younger, fitter eaters are taking over."
What kind of world do we live in where a man who eats 49 donuts in 8 minutes has to be held prisoner to some bullshit beauty standard? Not everyone is born tiny and svelte like the 35-bratwursts-in-10-minutes Sonya Thomas.
IFOCE, we urge you to continue to welcome and embrace competitors of all shapes and sizes. Either that, or create a special "Plus Size Eater Division," the members of which will be considered invisible by mainstream media and become token contestants on Tyra Banks reality shows. —Erin Bradley
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Video of the Day: UFOPORNOO!
3/27/2007 3:02:38 PM
Finland ranks #1 in political rights, civil liberties, freedom of the press and lack of governmental corruption, according to a 2006 study by World Audit and they're rapidly gaining ground on the folks in Japan over bragging rights to the world's most messed up porn. —Erin Bradley
P.S. What other countries have really insane XXX stuff? We're sick of always using Japan as the reference point.
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Hooked on a Feeling (With Apologies to Blue Swede)
3/27/2007 1:52:46 PM
Guess where this goes.
We'd give you a hint by showing you an action shot, but that'd be too easy, now wouldn't it? Let's just say if you said something that rhymes with "class" and "sass" (two words which describe us, incidentally), you'd be right. All the rest of you get the home game and the Turtle Wax (P.S. any of you bid against us on the former and we'll come to your homes and kill you).
Here's the full low-down, courtesy Viviane's Sex Carnival. —Erin Bradley
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Starting the Countdown Till American Idol Becomes a Swimsuit Competition
3/27/2007 1:30:00 PM
Alaina Alexander—better known as Nobody—is the latest American Idol castoff to pimp her assets online. She’s set up a MySpace music page with links to “songs” and some hot (?) photos that might appeal to her demographic—more specifically, people who can’t find any more Antonella Barba pictures and have yet to fully embrace the erotic power of Sanjaya. Oh, Alaina. We know you love to flaunt your boobies and sing “The Na Na Song,” but we prefer to remember you for absolutely nothing.
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Free Love on the Freelove Freeway: Love on a Bus
3/27/2007 12:46:07 PM
Finding love on a bus seems about as likely as actually enjoying a ride on a bus. But according to a recent survey, one in 30 people have found love on a bus. "Love on a Bus!" Somebody call Bon Jovi and/or Neil Diamond, because we’ve got a hit song. Of course, the survey was conducted by a British bus company—which seems about as reliable as asking a high schooler to grade his own tests, but maybe there is love blossoming out there on the lonely highways and byways. So here we go: Have YOU found love on a bus? We bussed our asses for four months across the northwestern swath of South America, and we found very little love, and a great deal of Air Supply and motion sickness. Believe us, NO ONE wants to do it those bathrooms.
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: Panty Raid
3/27/2007 11:48:20 AM
24-year-old Garth Flaherty was apparently holding the biggest personal panty raid in town. Police arrested the guy after stealing nearly a hundred pounds of women’s underwear, which sounds like a lot until you realize he took it all from the dressing rooms of The View. Oh, but we kid. “Police estimate as many as 1500 pairs of panties had been collected, costing as much as $2200.” Hey, where did the women get all those $1.50 panties? Someone’s been shopping at CostCo.
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Five Minutes to Win, A Lifetime to Master
3/27/2007 10:39:31 AM
Welcome to today's timewaster: "Five Minutes to Kill Yourself", from the party folks at Adult Swim. Sadly, we're not very good at this game, though we've been practicing for it all our lives. If there were just some Everclear and platform heels around that office, we'd be dead in no time.
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Who Would You Rather?: Campbell v. Banks
3/27/2007 9:42:39 AM
Tyra Banks and Naomi Campbell may be rivals, but they have quite a bit in common. They’re both in the news lately: Tyra for her doubleteam television success; Naomi for gamely picking up trash in stilettos. And they’re both prone to freakouts. Of course, one of them freaks out and gives the audience bejeweled Vaseline containers, the other freaks out and ruins another goddamn Nokia. It’s probably pretty clear who we’d all rather work for, but that’s not the game we’re playing. So: Wanna be on top? You know what to do. Who would you rather: Naomi Campbell or Tyra Banks?
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In the News: Getting Handsy
3/27/2007 8:59:49 AM
British tabloid snaps shot of Prince William grabbing boob of world’s luckiest drunk girl.
Black pastors are speaking out more often about accepting homosexuality, but it may mean losing members.
Lesbian asks court to ban gay adoption.
First-ever YouTube awards. The big winner? You. But OKGo’s taking home the statue.
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Crush of the Week: Amy Winehouse
3/26/2007 5:00:00 PM
The British soul singer is everywhere these days. Do you know her yet? Are you sick of her already? We’ve had her album, Back to Black, on repeat at our digs for the past three weeks solid, and every person who comes over says the same thing: Damn, what is THAT? That is the sound of a real voice, friends; none of that overproduced bullshit that passes for female songstresses these days. Winehouse is so intoxicating that her show last weekend was apparently the site for a total WTF hookup between Courtney Love and Bruce Willis. How’s that for crazy? But we can't blame them. Her songs make us want to move, make us want to spill the wine glass and not even care, make us want to grab the nearest smarmy action movie hero and stick our tongues down his throat. And for that, she is the Crush of the Week.
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Life Folds, Life & Style Publishes Eva Longoria Legs Article
3/26/2007 4:29:41 PM
Time Inc. has just announced the death of Life magazine.
Jossip.com has a pun-packed headline round-up.
P.S. We know this isn't the most influential cover, but we find Mr. Face Pelt here quite attractive. If you want cooler covers there's a whole galleryful on the Life web site, you can even search by stuff like event, subject or individual. —Erin Bradley
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Chronic Headache? Ask Your Doctor About Intrinsa
3/26/2007 3:57:13 PM
You guys can read this, but you have to PROMISE you won’t tell The Post. You know who she gets with her headlines. She’ll say something like “SNATCH PATCH” or something equally gross. Why is she always so trashy? Did you see that skirt she was wearing last week? Oh what, that was yours? No, no. It was CUTE! That's why I was saying. Anyway, my dad's calling me for dinner. I gotta go.
Intrinsa is a femal sexual arousal agent that’s now available by prescription. It’s intended for women who are going through early menopause post-surgery. In other words, whorecat sluts. The pushers at Proctor & Gamble are telling everyone that it shouldn’t be thought of as a “female Viagra” but of course that’s what everyone’s calling it.
Sex and relationship psychologist Petra Boynton raises some pretty interesting questions and doubts but we’re just wondering what’s going to happen to our spam now. Is it going to double? Will Viagra spam and Intrinsa spam get in a turf war, and if so, will either side call in the 419 scammers as back-up? We love a good e-fight. —Erin Bradley
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Blessed Virgin Wonton: The Immaculate Consumption
3/26/2007 3:30:00 PM
Ah, the blessed virgin wonton. Her heart is filled with such sorrow. And shredded pork. We can’t really explain much more about the blessed virgin wonton, but she does have her own blog. Of course. (Thanks to JDC for the link.)
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Today in Nerve: Sex With the Testicular Jackson Pollock
3/26/2007 3:02:02 PM
In "Bad Sex With Monica Drake", our narrator recounts a colorful interlude with a hot bohemian artist.
“He leaned over and used the side of an oil pastel to run a long, broad line of red down the thigh of my worn jeans. I felt the heat of his hand as it followed that line, from my crotch to my knee, over the curve of muscles and bones. What could I do?” Problem was, he was splattering with more than the oil pastels.
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This Is Not Your Grandmother's All-Knitted Burlesque
3/26/2007 2:30:00 PM
Does it ever feel like arts-and-crafters are taking over the world? And it’s not just scarves ‘n shit: There are knitted boobs, knitted merkins, knitted fetish wear. Why, if our Bust Magazine merger comes through, this site will be 75% knitted. We’re cross-stitching our new logo right now. Anyway, that creative collaboration will probably fall through—possibly because we know absolutely no one at Bust Magazine—but in the meantime, we do want you to know that Kansas City is holding a
all-knitted burlesque. That means citizens of Kansas City get naughty arts-and-craft extravaganzas in ADDITION to the best barbecue in the country (sorry, Texas! And North Carolina, you don’t even get to play). We’re going to start knitting some barbecue sauce right now.
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Video of the Day: The PG Version of 300, This Is Caketown
3/26/2007 2:00:00 PM
We've spoken a bit on this site about the orgy of sight, sound, and naked manflesh that is 300. It may have been Anna Nicole’s autopsy at the box office this weekend by the only movie characters to possibly sport thicker quadriceps, but we still love 300. And by "love," we mean, "love to laugh about." And so we bring you the PG saga of King Leonidas and his delicious battle to bring baked goods to ancient Greece. May the batter man win.
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EBay as A Barometer of Self Worth
3/26/2007 12:18:10 PM
It's over, Screech. Everybody's already seen the porno. Stop peddling your ass on eBay. Time to go home.
What? That's not Screech?
Wow, it looks a lot like...
So this woman in Maine wants us to check out this eBay auction listing featuring platonic friend Bill and make a bid based solely on whether or not he's attractive.
No "Win a Date with Bill!" or "Take Bill's Virginity!" or "Be a Mama to Bill's 10 Kids!" Nothing like that.
Just the simple, sincere application of a vast online auction system to make or break a fragile individual's self esteem.
Golden Palace, don't even think it. —Erin Bradley
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I’ll Have the Keith Urban, Dry Toast, Side of Sausage.
3/26/2007 11:55:18 AM
Most people prefer Bisquik, or those Pillsbury microwave throwback jobbies. But real connoisseurs know there’s nothing like a flapjack served up & prepared Whitney & Bobby-style. —Erin Bradley
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This Just In: Causes of Anna Nicole's Death Revealed
3/26/2007 11:29:49 AM
TMZ is taking breaking news to new levels of ridiculous with minute-to-minute updates on the cause of Anna Nicole’s death. The skinny? An accidental overdose. The combo? A lethal cocktail of “anxiety and depression medication, valium, ativan and antihistamine. She also had chloral hydrate, which was the major component in her death.” There was also something in there about butt injections and an infection. Oh, and possibly, Andy Dick.
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Now THAT'S a Vagina Dentata
3/26/2007 11:08:27 AM
We’ve written about the controversial anti-rape device Rapex before, but now we get word that the product is hitting the market soon. Doesn’t ring any bells? Play catch-up: “The female condom-like device called Rapex has fish-like teeth that attach to the penis.” And that’s all the description we’re going to give you for now. We can actually feel the cringes ripping across your face right now. Rapex was invented by a South African woman and will be mass-produced in China next month. Read more about it here.
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e10069#10069 |
Dontcha Wish Your Captcha Was Hot Like This?
3/26/2007 10:39:03 AM
A captcha is one of those tests that sites give to determine if the user is human. Like, “type the swimmy, grainy word you can barely see.” Hot Captcha takes this to another level, testing the possibility that you’re a robot by asking you to identify the three hot people from a lineup. We took this test three different times, and apparently, our veins run with Pennzoil.
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Sex for Squirrels, and More Breaking Squirrel News
3/26/2007 10:00:06 AM
We love the squirrels. They’re so cute, with their nuts and their floofy tails and their cute accents. Hmm. Did we confuse some Disney movie with real squirrels again? Possible. Squirrels don’t talk. OR DO THEY? Well, this is an argument for another time, folks, but this morning we bring you a news report about a man who vastly overestimated the squirrel’s value. We love squirrels, but not this much.:
“Two women walking a Dorthan street in the wee hours got quite an offer from a good ol’ boy driving a pickup: How about sex in return for some squirrels he just shot?
We can only imagine what he was trying to trade for his dead beaver. More squirrel shenanigans at Miss Cellania.
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In the News: Guilt to Go Around
3/26/2007 8:54:09 AM
Parents, more reasons to feel guilty: Poor behavior in children linked to their time in day care.
After questioning the existence of Japanese sex slaves during WWII, Japan’s prime minister has made an apology.
John Edwards defends continued presidential run despite his wife’s cancer.
Start the office betting pool: The results of Anna Nicole’s autopsy will be released today.
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Remembering When: The Nerve Week That Was
3/23/2007 5:00:00 PM
Remember when Jonathan Lethem wrote a great story about the sleepy people? We love Jonathan Lethem. Not that you asked.
Remember when Arthur Bradford reminisced about the crazy hippie sex cult cult that used to haunt Austin, Texas? Remember when we professed our undying love to Arthur Bradford? Wait, did that even happen? Because it should have.
Remember when Screengrab brought us a list of the worst movie accents ever? Kevin Costner, you could win this with two dialect coaches tied behind your back.
Remember when we reviewed the new Adam Sandler movie and decided it wasn’t all that great?Remember when we got all hot and bothered for Jack Black?Ahhh, those were the times. Happy Spring Break weekend, friends!
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Sorry, Bubba and Beaufort.
3/23/2007 4:00:43 PM
Gay marriage is now officially banned in South Carolina.
But good news! It's still ENTIRELY LEGAL to marry your 14 year-old cousin so be sure to get a Brazilian before your next family reunion.
Really appreciate it, South Carolina. Please control those HOH-MO-SEX-TUALS.
But when are you going to take responsibility for your recent attempts to pull a Patty Hearst on our vaginas and producing the grodiest contestant on American Idol? Thin ice, Palmetto State. Thin ice. —Erin Bradley
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More Reasons to Babble: Because We Hate Your Kid!
3/23/2007 3:00:00 PM
What to do when you hate your friend’s child:
“I hated Evie, the three-year-old daughter of my favorite local friend. I hated this cute, articulate and smart little girl whose stubborn will, bullying and fearless nature, and total disregard for anyone's feelings — young or old — wrecked every encounter I had ever had with her. I dreaded seeing Evie. Just thinking of her put me in a bad mood.” Also, why Internet message boards make you crazy.
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Saint Jennifer: Our Lady of Affeck & Patience Everlasting
3/23/2007 2:00:30 PM
We know it’s bad, but sometimes we confuse Jessica Biel with Jennifer Garner. And Jennifer Garner with Jessica Alba. The mind can handle only so much celebrity schlock and we need that part of our subcortex for imaginary threesomes with princes William and Harry.
However, after viewing this video (BTW, nice use of "NOT", X17. Homie don't play dat. U can't touch this!) of Ms. Jennifer not beating the shit out of the asshole paparazzi who stalk her through a parking garage, we will forever recognize her likeness. Holy cats. No wonder Britney went batting with that umbrella. —Erin Bradley
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Video of the Day: The Cutest Polar Bear You Will Ever See
3/23/2007 2:00:00 PM
THIS BLOG HAS BEEN AUTOMATICALLY GENERATED. THE ORIGINAL BLOGGER HAS DIED OF CUTENESS AFTER WATCHING THIS BABY POLAR BEAR. EVERY SINGLE FRAME OF THIS IS HARDCORE CUTE. THE POLAR BEAR HAS POLAR BEAR PICTURES OF HIS FAMILY ON HIS WALL! PLEASE SIT DOWN. PLEASE BE CAREFUL. PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO WITH THE SOUND OFF.
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Jump for Joy! It's National Puppy Day
3/23/2007 12:37:34 PM
It’s National Puppy Day, brought to you by Colleen Paige, the same go-getter who brought you “National Cat Day”, “National Horse Protection Day” and “National Farm Animals Day” (BTW, we're really smitten with her inter-species Glamour Shots photo.)
Feast your eyes on some puppy porn at Cute Overload or set your TiVo for “America’s Cutest Puppies” and “Adventures in Doggie Daycare” – both premiering April 7th on WE tv. Sorry, no direct link y’all. Go to this page and scroll down to the bottom right to the box marked “Latest Video Feeds” and then go put another Gene Autry record on your gramophone.
Animal haters can get their kicks (get that boot AWAY from the Pomerian) with this hilariously bitter blog post America’s Dogs Too Fat to Lick Themselves by comedian Paul Currington. —Erin Bradley
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If You Think Being Gay in America Is Tough...
3/23/2007 12:30:00 PM
Oof, this is a little heavy for a Friday, but nonetheless: A three-part documentary series on Iran’s gay population, Out in Iran. Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. These are some seriously brave souls.
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e10027#10027 |
Another Satisfied Customer From Men's Wearhouse
3/23/2007 12:00:00 PM
We do not have a fact-checking department, as evidenced by our tendency to bring you Internet hoaxes and previously posted Scanner items. A fact-checking department is on our wish list, along with a new font and a case of Axe spray. But in the meantime, what this means is that we can not tell you why there is a man in a penis costume at the Rhode Island College ice hockey game. Is he the school mascot? Is he just having the best Spring Break ever? Hey, come to think of it, we think our best friend dated this guy. But anyway, we know nothing about Rhode Island College. Perhaps they really are the Fighting Nads. They wouldn’t be the first. Go Nads!
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Where the Men Are: Arlington, Texas???
3/23/2007 11:00:00 AM
When we were a wee Scanner blogger, growing up in Dallas, the city of Arlington, Texas, was known for one thing: Six Flags. Connoisseurs knew there was a wax museum. Everything changed for Arlington, however, when MSNBC—the first and best resource for all matters of the zeitgeist—selected Arlington as one of the Top 5 Cities in which to find a mate. Now, Arlington is All That, which led the crafty city planners to unveil a new vacation package: “Where the Men Are… Fun Central, Arlington!”
Their website is chock-a-block with quotables, like this nugget about why riding rollercoasters is hot: “According to the Men's Health study, ‘research shows that if you want to turn heads, you need to hang out where there are high adrenaline activities... In the study, people who rode a roller coaster were more attracted to strangers they saw after they disembarked than those they met before they did the loopity-loop!’” Better book now. Who knows what lucky bitches might get their mitts on those frat boys? (Big shout-out to Scanner friend Julie B. for the link.)
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Marry, Fuck, or Kill: The Tech Titans
3/23/2007 10:00:00 AM
It’s not about who’s prettier, who has better hardware, who’s got the higher stock price, the most corporate responsibility, or superior product performance. It’s all about a burning question: Which of these geeks would you legally wed, which would you do doggystyle in a seedy hotel room outside Silicon Valley, and which would you prefer be devoured alive by zombie stockholders?
Remember this is a game of forced choice, which means you must assign one answer to each individual and no answer can be repeated twice. And yes, Larry and Sergey must be treated as one. —Erin Bradley
Marry, Fuck, or Kill?
a. Bill Gates (Microsoft)
b. Steve Jobs (Apple)
c. Larry Page & Sergey Brin (Google)
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In the News: Keeping Up With the Giulianis
3/23/2007 8:30:15 AM
Rudy Giuliani’s wife talks for the first time about her secret first marriage. Not to be outdone by hubby, she’s been married three times, too.
Teen sues to walk the halls wearing a homophobic shirt: “Be Happy, Not Gay.”
New feminist version of the Koran challenges certain words used to justify abuse of women.
Birth control prices double and triple on college campuses. Time to cut back on ramen and textbooks.
The secret life of African polygamists in New York.
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Between the Bars. Or, American Idle Threat.
3/22/2007 4:57:41 PM
Here’s your inspirational tale of the day: An Arizona jail holds its own American Idol competition. Guess who wins? That’s right: Sanjaya.
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Pause for Commercial
3/22/2007 3:47:42 PM
We’ve just spent the last half hour searching for a Jiffy Lube commercial, the one where the father takes the daughter in to get an oil change rather than go through the headache of teaching her, because, let’s face it – teenage girls are too dumb to learn. We couldn’t find it but did find some other choice bits, like this post in copyranter which wins a free pizza and orange drink party for its precise mockery of one corporation's efforts to incorporate urban slang into its advertisements. There's also this commercial for chocolate dipped altoids, snippets of which we’re sure will join evil robots, family members and anthropomorphic household objects in nightmares to come.
Now check out this older than before-they-invented-dirt but new to us commercial and tell us which ads are catching your attention this week. Oh yeah, and help us find that *&*#$& Jiffy Lube thing. —Erin Bradley
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Mysterious Public Art. Or Is That PUBIC Art?
3/22/2007 3:44:04 PM
Scanner friend Jeff sent us this image with no context, no explanation. Just this ... EVOCATIVE SCULPTURE. As always, we pass the mystery on to you.
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Tooting Our Own Horn: Nerve Founder Helps Upend Dangerous Anti-Porn Law
3/22/2007 3:10:19 PM
Nerve’s founder, Rufus Griscom [pictured above, with court documents], was a key ACLU witness in the hearings about the Child Online Protection Act, a dangerous slippery slope of an anti-pornography law which would require any content that could be considered "adult" to exist behind a credit card registration wall. (Which would effectively kill sites like Nerve.) The law was passed in 1998 but never enforced; there were a lot of reasons to be skeptical about it, i.e. who determines "adult content"? Also, it would have only monitored web content generated in the U.S., and everyone knows the nastiest porn sites are not made in America anyhow. But the judge brought down a very sane, well-reasoned decision. Curious parties can read more about the trial on Nerve's COPA blog. —Gwynne Watkins
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Trinidad, Tobago Fear the Pink-Eyed Menace
3/22/2007 2:38:37 PM
As if subjecting us to that treacly song about Princess Di wasn’t enough, now Sir Elton is out to infect the entire islands of Trinidad and Tobago with his evil gay. The churchies are trying to ban him from an upcoming jazz festival because they’re worried his presence could tempt locals to cross over to the other side. Yes, because every guy dreams of fucking a gap-toothed 60 year-old who dresses like a majorette. We’d give you more details, but we’ve turned homosexual just from writing this post and have to go blow our bank accounts on expensive flatware and rainbow stickers. You can read the rest of the story on your own. —Erin Bradley
A look at the enemy up close.
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Photo of the Day: Jenna Fischer Nearly Naked
3/22/2007 2:04:13 PM
Here's one for your office cubicle. April's cover of Wired features the adorable, crushable Jenna Fischer of The Office. We'll take that memo, thanks.
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Chris Rock's on Crotch Watch
3/22/2007 1:30:34 PM
Airing out your whisker biscuit is A-OK with comedian/political pundit Chris Rock, according this interview we read in Maxim magazine:
”You’re in the gym all day — just go ass-out. But how come none of the girls I really want to see aren’t wearing panties? Where’s the Beyoncé no-panty shot? Halle? Kerry Washington?”
Don’t know about Halle and Kerry, but Beyoncé we’re going to guess that it’s less about modesty and more about homegirl’s raging addiction to sequins. Once Dolce & Gabbana comes out with a rhinestone-encrusted merkin she’ll be flashing that thing every time she steps out of J-Hova’s limo. —Erin Bradley
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Piece (of Ass) in the Middle East
3/22/2007 12:43:52 PM
Hooters plans to open a branch in Tel Aviv this summer, proving that the real international language is tits and buffalo wings. Says Hooters’ rep John Weber, presumably while winking to the camera repeatedly:
"The vibrant, fun-loving Israeli community suits the all-American, casual-dining theme that Hooters restaurants are known for. I am positive that the Israeli's quest for great food and atmosphere will end at Hooters." Mazel tov!
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Spotlight On: Hot Chicks With Douchebags
3/22/2007 11:56:17 AM
One of our favorite Fountains of Wayne songs comes from their first album, a little novelty ditty called “Leave the Biker,” about a beautiful woman on the arm of a disgusting man-child. “Oh can’t you see my world is falling apart / Baby please leave the biker, leave the biker / Break his heart.” The online equivalent of this is Hot Chicks With Douchebags, a site which pays tribute to all those baffling duos gracing dance floors and grabbing each other’s body parts for the camera. It’s like a trip to the Hard Rock Cafe, without all the noise and overpriced burgers.
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Celebrity Mad Libs: Cuss All You Want. We’ll Make More.
3/22/2007 10:58:31 AM
You know celebrities would play MAD LIBS if they weren’t so busy having their genitals insulted by Brandon Davis, immersing themselves in new religions, and getting high colonics.
But lucky you, you get to join in the fun each and every Thursday. So grab your nudie pen, fill out this list, and match up the numbers with the paragraph below. We know this isn't the ideal format, but you can make it work. No peeking ahead allowed! —Erin Bradley
- Name of celebrity
- Name of celebrity
- Adjective
- Living thing
- Country
- Emotion
- Emotion
- Type of worker
- Name of celebrity
- Living thing
CELEBRITY MAD LIBS: A NEW ADDITION
(1)America's favorite duo, ______________ and (2)______________, announced today their plans to adopt a (3)______________ (4)______________ from the little-known, destitute country of (5)______________. “We are filled with (6)______________ and (7)______________ at this new arrival and have hired an honest and hard-working (8)______________ to assist us. The thrice divorced, fashionable (9)______________ is also expected to adopt an adorable (10)______________ later this year.
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Hotties, Dicktards Wanted for New Online Dating Site
3/22/2007 10:30:00 AM
Today we bring you the tale of HotEnough.org, the new dating service catering to your most shallow self by allowing only “really hot-looking people” to join. Like the founder Jason, here, who rates an 8.2 on the attractiveness scale. NO COMMENT HERE. NO COMMENT AT ALL. NOT GOING TO MAKE A COMMENT. The way that HotEnough.org works is that you submit three photos to the site, and members then rate your hotness and decide if you can join their stupid clubhouse. As this article explains, it’s “a sort of online version of Studio 54,” which is faboo, except that in the heyday of Studio 54, you could hang with Mick Jagger, David Bowie, and Truman Capote, and at HotEnough.org, you can hang with, umm, Jason at the rate of ten clams a month. Masochists, it's your lucky day!
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A Mud Bath for the Penis, a Wine Soak for the Nads, Another Spa Day in Japan
3/22/2007 9:56:18 AM
You love your penis, but is it aging too quickly? Noticed a few extra wrinkles in your nut sac? For shame. Keep your wang young, fresh, and dainty with the new penis mud soak at Tokyo-based service The Aromani.
"Our sales point is that we also offer variations, including having the service performed by multiple workers (groups of two or three women), or you can have it performed by a shy woman or another who'll do it while talking dirty." And afterward? Soak your nads in wine. Are we making this up? We are not. For the nads soak, we suggest a smooth ’69 Pinot. (Thanks to Cara for the link!)
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In the News: Miracle Bra Robbery
3/22/2007 8:53:14 AM
Three people steal more than $12,000 in bras and panties from New Jersey Victoria’s Secret while customers are in the store. New York Times nabs perfect lede: “There’s the holdup, and then there’s the push-up.”
John Edwards schedules news conference today to talk about his wife’s health.
Anti-Hillary ad found to originate from the Obama camp.
The new, ill-advised trend in high-school angst: The hit-list.
Poland drafts a plan that would ban all gay teachers from the classroom. Who would teach Drama?
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