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We never saw the Norman Lear soap opera spoof Mary Hartman Mary Hartman during its original 1970s television run. But thanks to the new DVD (and YouTube, natch), we’ve been catching up on it. It follows the wacky adventures of randy housewife Mary, aka Louise Lasser, as she slowly loses her marbles. And for good reason. Her grandfather’s a flasher. One character drowns in chicken soup. There’s a mass murderer about and also, possibly, a UFO. Oh, and her damn husband won’t screw her. This is no normal sitcom. It’s all rather gloriously surreal. In this clip, when a jailhouse threatens to get out of control, Mary blurts out, “Everything’s going to be all right. After this, we’re all going to the HOUSE OF PANCAKES!” You can put that on our tombstone.

And for that, she is our Crush of the Week.

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Remember those amazing videos where David O. Russell and Lily Tomlin freak out on the set of I Heart Huckabees? On College Humor, Wet Hot American Summer writer Michael Showalter and actor Paul Rudd re-enact the scene, along with some bizarre comic improv and what appear to be a few inside jokes. (“Randy”? We don’t understand.) It’s funny, but not even a Yoda-as-Gandhi impression can make it stranger than the original. —Nicole Pasulka


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A California man may face jail time for getting handsy with his girlfriend on an airplane. Not sure what happened, but the crew was so pissed they had the FBI waiting at the airport to arrest the couple. Kids, how many times to do we have to tell you to use the bathroom? —Nicole Pasulka

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Proving what really drives technological innovation is the desire to see naked women, here's a list of homemade "pornographic" games for Nintendo DS. Strip Rock, Paper, Scissors? You won't find that at Best Buy. But now you can enjoy the intersection of hacking and amateur porn from the comfort of your own futon. We only wish someone could make a game to put the spark back into poor Mario’s love life. —Nicole Pasulka

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One way that rock stars are just like us: They beat off. One way they're different from us: They write songs about beating off that are awkward to listen to when your mom's around. Cracked brings us this list of 15 songs that are totally about masturbation. Don't worry if you’re mom’s listening. She probably doesn't know what it means to turn Japanese. (“Darling Nikki,” on the other hand? Even your grandma gets that one.) —Nicole Pasulka

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We did not watch Saturday night’s Oscar de la Hoya v. Floyd Mayweather fight. We were too busy painting our toenails and giving the cat a makeover. However, a friend who did watch the fight reports that Mayweather’s corner had some deliciously homoerotic action. His manager Leonard Ellerbe, had the enviable job of actually rubbing Mayweather’s sweaty pecs between bouts (pictured on the left). Must have worked; he won. Believe it or not, we actually majored in pec-rubbing at the University of Texas, but we always thought there was no money in it. Color us surprised.

Meanwhile, Oscar de la Hoya had the world’s most awkward kiss with his wife (right). Scanner readers will remember that de la Hoya was abstaining from ejaculatory sex prior to the bout. Should have tried the pec rubdown.

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Apparently, May is Masturbation Month. Didn’t get us any presents? Yikes, how embarrassing. You’re gonna look pretty silly when we gift you with that elephant dildo. Well, one way to celebrate MM is to participate in a masturbation haiku contest. Winner gets a $40 gift certificate. That’ll buy an awful lot of Kleenex. Here, we’ll get your juices flowing with a haiku of our own:

“Oh, Surfing Bunny / The vibrations feel funny / Better with honey.”

Whoa. That just HAPPENED! We are haiku prodigies, because that shit took about five seconds to write. (Actually, it took all weekend. This is our 152nd draft. Sad.) Good luck, Scannerites. And remember: Ths pen is mightier than the swords of flesh.


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Grindhouse might have been a flop, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t make an impression. Along with Heather Mills, it made one-legged vixens superhot again. And it brought back the lost art of the grindhouse. On the Something Awful website, see old movie posters given the grindhouse treatment. What, no Happy Feet?

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A new study finds that prehistoric man was a swinger. As in, to swing. The study found evidence of bondage, transvestism, and sex toys kicking around among primitive societies. Of course, back then, the dinosaur powered your rabbit vibrator and there was nothing more scandalous than the Betty Rubble sex-cave drawing.

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The bad part about Paris Hilton’s 45-day jail time? More Paris Hilton. For a brief, beautiful moment, we had forgotten she existed. It was like a test we crammed for and then relegated to the trash bin of our brains, where she languished, for months, beside the capitals of Africa and the elements on the periodic table. She’s back in the headlines, of course, having been given time in the slammer for drunk driving. Let’s take a moment, now, to consider the silver lining on this cultural moment.

1. 45 days in jail actually much safer, cleaner than 1 Night in Paris.

2. Full cavity check already provided by paparrazzi.

3. Cornrows? That’s for other inmates. Cornrows in pubic hair? That’s hot.

4. The Simple Life in prison? Now, that’s a show we’d actually watch.

5. Let's face it: She may finally learn a skill.


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A record 18,000 people stripped naked for photographer Spencer Tunick in Mexico’s City square.

Celebrities need love, too. And, apparently, they also need matchmakers.

Examining the Richard Gere and Ahmadenijad controversy over public affection: When is a kiss more than a kiss?

The con of the big, fat American wedding industry.

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Friday, now: Did we mention that it’s Alice Liddell’s birthday today? Celebrate with a mad hatter tea party, where you can read aloud about drug references in the Lewis Carroll classic.

Friday night, 10pm EST: We know you’ve bitten off all your nails and wrecked the hems of a dozen tasteful sweaters with anticipation for what dirt will be inside the DC Madam’s phone books. Wait no longer! The incarcerated madam will spill the beans on tonight’s 20/20. Just imagine the shock and Schadenfreude you’ll experience upon learning that Senator What’s-His-Name actually enlisted call girls!

Saturday afternoon: Free Comic Book Day! Not sure what to pick up? Here’s a good place to start.

Saturday night: Being proudly from Texas, we have the perfect margarita recipe for your Cinco de Mayo celebration. It’s 2 parts tequila, 1 part Cointreau, and 1 part hand-squeezed lime juice. Es perfecto. Or, buy your margaritas. Cause that shit takes work.

Sunday: Hangover. Nap. Feist. That’s all we’re saying.

Keep it cool, kids. But mostly, keep it classy.

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Many women have tasted Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry’s sauce. But now it comes in a bottle! Joe Perry’s Rock Your World barbecue sauce comes in two flavors: Nicotine and Miller Lite. No, no, we kid. It comes in “Boneyard Brew” and “Mango-Peach Tango.” Because nothing says “rock your balls off” like “mango-peach.”

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We’ve long nursed a crush on swashbuckling television reporter Louis Theroux. His old BBC show, Weird Weekends, was an intrepid travelogue that found him plunging into odd environments in search of the common experiences there. One of the great things about Theroux is how he’s always open to new experience, so curious and polite, even when talking about how men can keep wood. (Plus he’s got that whole English accent thing. Plus he’s got that whole son-of-Paul-Theroux thing.) Here, in this episode, he interviews male porn stars about the perils of the industry. His investigation is a bit obvious, but he’s so genuinely game for the whole thing that the episode is actually rather sweet.

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As you may know, there was a debate thingie among Republicans last night. They talked about issues and stuff. It was awesome, obvs. But the real question isn’t which of these fellers will run for president one day. It’s WHICH ONE IS THE HOTTEST? At least that’s what’s on the minds of bloggers over at the Huffington Post, where they have assembled this “Sizzingly Inappropriate Republican Debate Hottie Rundown!” By the way, Mitt Romney? Total sex fiend.

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Despite The Departed’s Oscars, the concept of the remake still has a bit of a stigma attached to it. That might be because by and large the remakes we’ve been subjected to in recent years have had more to do with Hollywood trying to capitalize on its horror libraries more than anything else. Not that there’s anything wrong with that — as can be seen from this list, horror films have, over the years, lent themselves to some of the best remakes of all time. The real truth of the matter is that remakes are nothing new — the silent era was awash in them, and the 1950s saw a full-blown remake craze — nor are they endemic to the soulless, bottom-line obsessed corporate culture of Hollywood. Everybody from Yasujiro Ozu to Alfred Hitchcock to Werner Herzog has gotten in on the action. And so, we present our list of the 10 Greatest Remakes with a whole bunch of Honorable Mentions. READ THE COMPLETE LIST HERE. —Bilge Ebiri

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For those of you whose significant other spends more time on the PlayStation than on foreplay, intimate gaming is here for you. This bra-and-boxer-shorts combo contains massaging sensors controlled remotely so you can get off without even getting off your ass. Why? Because it’s the 21st century, dammit, and the flying cars were overpromised, undelivered. (via Wired)

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A nude car wash in Australia has been given the okay by authorities, who say the service is entirely above board. Bubble ‘N Babes charges $55 for a topless car wash, and $100 for a nudie show. Wiping off the seats, however, is entirely up to you.

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David Hasselhoff is known for many things: Chest hair, sweet jams, and other things involving chest hair. But the Hoff also likes to party. And like many of us, he maybe likes to party a little too much. Yesterday, several entertainment shows aired footage featuring Hasselhoff shirtless and wasted as he chowed down on some burgers. Meanwhile his poor daughter scolds him to stay off the sauce. Apparently, she’s the one who leaked the tape to the press.

Oh, Hoff. We can’t see you like this. Look away, look away. We know you’ll come back to us, and when you do, remember: Wendy’s is on us.

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Today, Spider-Man 3 opens in theaters, and with it, the summer movie race begins. But we’d like you to forget about that movie, and plucky Tobey Maguire, for a moment. Think, instead, of the comic book superhero. In fact, think of three comic book superheroes, and tell us which one you would bed, which one you would wed, and which one you’d like to serve justice in the form of a bullet right in the overdeveloped chest. Are you ready for this?

Marry, Fuck, or Kill?

• a. Spider-Man


• b. Batman


• c. Superman

New home pregnancy test can reveal a baby’s sex at six weeks.

Slate answers the tough questions: What kind of erotic services are illegal?

Iranian foreign minister walks out of dinner with Condi, claiming the violinist was dressed too sexy.

Giuliani’s pro-choice stance sets him apart from Republican hopefuls.


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How many calories can you burn kicking Dustin Diamond’s ass? That’s the question raised by this video, in which Screech drops the f-bomb several dozen times while rather lamely bagging on his fellow Celebrity Fit Club contestants. (Taunt to Da Brat: “Brat’s a perfect name.” Oooh, burn.) Screech, it’s been a hard road for you. You got swindled in a real estate deal, nobody cared about your sex tape, and what’s that other thing? Oh, yes. You’re Dustin Diamond. By the way, after seeing your bitter side, you are not invited to our birthday party anymore. And Lisa Turtle so totally is.

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Someone needs to hook us up with that Guitar Hero game. We are so gonna shred the shit out of “November Rain.” And when we do, we’re gonna look like we’re having a full-on ‘gaz. That’s the trend, at least. Today, Boing Boing has posted a gallery of photos featuring people playing the wicked-hot game and looking a bit like they just got a surprise in their pants. What’s more exciting? An orgasm, or the solo in “Freebird”? Really, is there any difference?

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A 68-year-old grandmother was the runner-up in a “Text Laureate” competition in which the challenge was to text message a love poem. Frankly, we’re still trying to teach our folks to email. So what was her hot, winning missive? "O hart tht sorz, My luv adorz, He mAks me liv, He mAks me giv, Myslf 2 him, As my luv porz." Hmm, we liked text messages when they were known by their other name, “dumb-ass spelling.” Good news is that granny has a long future in rap.

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The story of the day is not the news that the Gilmore Girls has been canceled. (Finally! We thought Rory was going to a nursing home next season.) It’s the news that Time’s list of 100 Most Influential People does not include George Bush. Michael J. Fox? Check. George Clooney? Check. President of the United State? Denied. Now that's just embarassing. We figure he rang it at #134, right behind Sanjaya.

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And the battle rages on. We're so a PC girl, by the way. And John Hodgman? Call us!

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Forbes, never content to rest on their laurels about the whole “business magazine” thing, ushers in a new era in weed porn, with a list of the 10 most exotic brands of weed. With this kind of ambition, obviously these guys aren’t smoking the stash.

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We all know how to get laid: Bottle of wine, high-end glass vibrator dildo. But do we know how NOT to get laid? Fortunately, there is a website to counsel us with “heartbreaking true tales of seduction gone wrong.” Take notes. This could come in handy.

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1. Put hands, Johnny Walker Black where eyes can see.

2. Fail sobriety test. Get arrested. Make good on name.

Busta, time for you to rest! It’s been a long, productive day.


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In the annals of history, Fall Out Boy will surely be remembered for many things. Cinematic videos. Dating Ashlee Simpson. Occasionally sucking. But we think bassist and lyricist Pete Wentz has climbed no mountain higher than the verbal one. Because as far as we're concerned, this appearance with People marks a new era, one in which we now use the word "guyliner." William Safire, WATCH AND LEARN

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We never would have thought this possible, but we actually like Flavor of Love: Charm School Girls as much as we liked Flavor of Love. There is something uniquely gratifying about watching these tough women stripped of their slutwear and their ghetto-bitch defenses until they’re nothing but insecure, sniffly little girls. All the pole dances and hot-tub makeouts have been replaced by crying sessions and hurt feelings. It’s a little bit fantastic.

One girl we never cared for was Jennifer “Toastee” Toof, recently expelled, who was a bit like an empty wind-up doll with an endless vodka glass. Toastee does have some talent, however. For instance, she can do a backbend. Naked! And she can spread her legs. Naked! And apparently, there will be more excitement when Vivid releases Toastee Exposed, her sex tape, just in time for Mother’s Day. (via)

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Sons of Hollywood is a reality show about the frat-tastic lives of Sean Stewart and Randy Spelling, offspring of legends Rod Stewart and Aaron Spelling, as well as their agent-turned-manager David Weintraub. The show airs Sunday nights on A&E. Our fearless Nerve intern NICOLE ANKOWSKI recently spoke with all three.

Since you guys are with the more elite Hollywood circles, what’s the hot new sex position or sex toy among your crowd?

David: I think the hottest thing out there that I just see everybody spending a lot of money on is the glass vibrator dildo or whatever. Super high-end ones that are in all the windows of the shops on Melrose that look like they’re extremely nice.

Randy: I wish I was more up on the sex toys. I will say one thing: During the show, if we had to get creative, the one thing that was more popular those three months was food. In some weird way or another, funny things got incorporated.

Can you give us a hint?

Randy: If you don’t ask me why or how—Oh, this is horrible. I shouldn’t be saying this. There was, well, we had barbecues and stuff in the house. And we would have to buy cases of hot dogs.

David: Food can be a very interesting thing to use in a sexual context. I think maybe in next week’s episode, you get a little taste of, as we like to call it, the “ol’ brujole.” You gotta show them your brujole.

What is a brujole?

David: An Italian sausage. [It’s] a word that keeps coming up in the context of all our lives.

So now that you’re a reality star, if you had to bone another reality star, who would you choose?

Sean: Jesus, who would I choose? Ashlee Simpson.

Does your dad watch the show?

Sean: Yeah, he didn’t really get it, because he’s old. And I guess it’s for a younger generation, for like 15 or 16, you know, to 25 or 30. My mom loved it, though.



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1. “Sex Watch with Mr. Twain” investigates novel new uses for the Nintendo Wii.

2. Former Scanner babe Erin Bradley, aka Miss Information, on how to sneak in your girlfriend's back door. Hint #1: Knock first!


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Each Monday we crown one lucky bastard as our “Crush of the Week.” Cultural critics recognize this is as an honor on par with sainthood or, at least, winning five bucks in a lotto Scratch-off. On Monday we selected Ryan Gosling: Oscar-nominated actor, part-time brooder, and political activist. Today we stumbled across this YouTube clip of his heavily moussed days on The New Mickey Mouse Club, when he was all, “Hey ladies, check out this sweet Henley”. The good news? He’s perfect for any upcoming crackhead musical.

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Disney is introducing a new social networking site for preteens. After all, why should slutty high schoolers have all the fun? Dateline NBC, we’ll let you take it from here.

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The Hitch is becoming quite the media darling these days. Why, just last night he won a National Magazine Award for columns and commentary for his work for Vanity Fair. But when he's not pissing off funny women and spilling Courvoisier on his chest hair, he likes to write books railing against religion. Here's a great and somewhat contentious interview from The Daily Show. It's actually not a fair fight, but hey, when did Hitch ever play fair?

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Former CIA director George Tenet has been in the news lately. He wrote a memoir. Many people hate it. But what got our attention was this item on TMZ about Tenet’s high school connection to porn king Ron Jeremy. Both attended Cardozo High School in Bayside, NY, and played on the soccer team. Adds TMZ, with a wink and a nudge, both became "known for their balls.”

So who would you rather? Hate to do it, but we’re gonna have to go with Tenet on this one. Clean up that unibrow, and you've got a minor hottie.


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The AP reports that R. Kelly has written an inspirational ballad based on the Virginia Tech massacre called “Rise Up." Sample lyrics: “Rise up, when you feel you can't go on, rise up, and all of your hope is gone, rise up, when you're weak and you can't be strong.'” And so on, and so on, until the midget craps his pants.

“Rise Up” will be available for download May 15.



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Carmen Electra, not content to rest on her laurels as NV spokesperson, has stepped up to the plate to host the next pay-per-view special for the Naked Women’s Wrestling League. We’re not sure about you, but we think it’s ABOUT TIME women’s sports got this kind of serious treatment. Based on her prior work as Dave Navarro's ex, we can safely say that Carmen Electra is the Howard Cosell of naked female wrestling. Which is what the sport so desperately needed. After all, these are hardcore athletes who train (and wax!) for days. It's time that fans of Nickelback and breast implants got the sport they deserve.

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Update: we have winner! For the rest of you (and your moms), the DVD goes on sale May 8th.

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There is so much randiness going on in the animal kingdom! Today we bring you the story of sex-crazed toads whose lethal underwater orgy has resulted in the death of £20,000 of prime carp. Would The Sun lie to you? Read more here.

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Apartment in Astoria, Queens, may be the only homeless shelter exclusively for transgender youth.

Ahmadenijad accused of indecency after kissing the hand of an elderly woman who used to be his teacher.

Newsweek tackles the thorny controversy over circumcision.

As NASA contemplates mission to Mars, sexual tension among astronauts is not something they’re addressing.


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We actually like Keira Knightley. We think she’s lovely. Apparently, however, you do not. In retrospect, sending the poor girl up against the sexual juggernaut that is Kate Winslet is a bit like asking someone to fight off a tigress with a glow stick. The no-brainer result? Kate Winslet wins. By a mile or four.

But one question to the peanut gallery: What actress COULD win against Kate Winslet?

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A day after we linked to a story on bizarre animal mating practices, the Old Gray Lady comes out swinging with a story on giant duck dongs.

“This guy’s the champion,” said Patricia Brennan, a behavioral ecologist, leaning over the nether regions of a duck — a Meller’s duck from Madagascar, to be specific — and carefully coaxing out his phallus.”

But they’re not only talking about male ducks. The female ducks have dicks, too, as the species is engaged in an “evolutionary struggle for reproductive success.” Some ducks grow phalluses as long as their own body, which points to tomorrow’s story: “Tommy Lee, Part Duck.”


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Uh, what to make of this lede? “Flamboyant '80s singer Boy George has been accused of kidnapping a male escort and chaining him to the wall of his London sex pit.”

Well, at least he didn’t make the poor guy sit through Taboo. Now that really WOULD be torture.

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Have we told you how grateful we are that you read Scanner? But we must remind you there are things you are missing out on if you don’t read Nerve today.

1. The Month in Sex Quiz, in which you will discover that the power was inside you all along. Go, young Scannerites! Much your mama proud.

2. A Q&A with James Murphy, the man behind LCD Soundsystem. Here's an interview excerpt: “Everyone pretends not to give a shit. But I find that a really empty, empty, empty teenage pose. It's a defense mechanism.”

After you score a perfect score on your sex quiz, reward yourself with the new LCD Soundsystem CD. Today, everyone's a winner.


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There’s been a lot of space on this blog given to the Muppets lately. Sad Kermit singing a Johnny Cash cover (of a NIN song). A “Marry, Fuck, or Kill” contest featuring mentally unstable muppets. Now comes the Video of the Day, a movie mashup in which the Muppets play characters in Pulp Fiction. Why all this Muppet love? Well, maybe The Muppet Movie is one of our favorite films. Or maybe we are actually muppets. We'll leave it to you to decide. In the meantime, we have to pull Jim Henson's fist out of our ass now.

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Courtney Love has announced that she will be auctioning off most of Kurt Cobain’s belongings at Christie’s. Sadly, Courtney will be unable to auction off her own credibility, as she lost it three plastic surgeries ago.

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We spent Sunday afternoon drinking beer and boxing on the Nintendo Wii for the first time. Can we tell you something? We are addicted. (Not to the beer! Okay, maybe to the beer a little bit!) Despite decades of sweetness and sunshine, we have always wanted to pummel the living shit out of something. Especially if it won't mess up our purty mouth. So we were delighted to discover this online throwdown between two of NBC’s reigning tools: The Donald and The Dwight (from The Office). May the best bobblehead destroy Donald Trump. (via Pop Candy).

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Rap has seen better days. Last week the controversy was all about Cam’ron refusing to snitch against a serial killer. Now chart-topping rapper Akon is under investigation for a Trinidad performance in which he dry-humped a 15-year-old girl onstage. If you haven’t seen the video yet, PREPARE TO CRINGE. We understand that part of the controversy involves the girl being underage. But seriously, this ain’t right at ANY AGE.

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English women have a reputation for prudishness and sexual repression, but these two are definitely the exception. One stripped for Vanity Fair. One stripped for Titanic, Holy Smoke, Little Children. (Well, pretty much every movie she starred in for a while.) They are lusty ladies, whose blood runs at a higher temperature than most. And as actors, they have both tackled Jane Austen and summer blockbusters to boot. But blah blah blah, etc. etc. You know what we’re thinking:

Kate Winslet v. Keira Knightley: Who would you rather?


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Ah, science. You are a clever, clever beast. First Viagra, then the peanut-butter-and-jelly swirl in a jar, and now? NOW? Scientists are developing a pill that can boost women’s libido AND reduce their appetites. Back when we were in college, this was known as “having a boyfriend.” Indeed, many diet gurus and aerobics instructors failed where hot, randy boyfriends succeeded, helping us shed the extra pounds of pizza and Keystone Light with a steady regimen of dry humping, shower sex, and what we came to know as the “misty whizzer.” Of course, as everyone with a Xanax prescription knows, pills are better than boyfriends. At least, they don't snore as much.

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Los Angeles officials warn May Day protests for immigrant and labor rights could result in total gridlock.

Miss America imperils sex sting operation she assisted with by refusing to testify. But what if they add a talent competition?

Two new books discuss the crazy maze of assisted fertility.

Beware the children’s entertainer scorned: Japanese magicians sue over tricks revealed on television.


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