A Nation of Grandmothers Weeps In Ecstasy
12/21/2005 6:00:00 PM
"THE INSPIRING ARTISTRY OF THOMAS KINKADE — LET IT
TOUCH YOU AS NEVER BEFORE!" Lighthouse figurine maker Thomas Kinkade adds Jesus to his design scheme.
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What This Does For Men We'd Rather Not Know
12/21/2005 5:00:00 PM
It's now possible to shoot women with paintball guns from the comfort of your computer.
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Lost Video Game Sex Scenes
12/21/2005 3:00:00 PM
Intrepid Nerve intern Peter Smith salutes the final day of our gaming issue with some curious sex-themed games that may have escaped your
notice . . .
1) Custer's Revenge (Atari 2600)
Drew the simultaneous ire of Woman Against Pornography, the
National Organization for Women and the American Indian Community House.
Perhaps the crudest video game ever made. Guide a blocky
General Custer, three-pixel erection jutting from his midsection, through a
fusillade of arrows, to an injun maiden tied to a pole. Press joystick
button to thrust. Contemplate void.
2) Strip Fighter II (TurboGrafx 16)
An erotic parody of Street Fighter II — we're fairly sure there was no Strip
Fighter I — wherein flying breasts replace fireballs.
3) Ai Cho Aniki (PC Engine CD)
Subtly homoerotic: you pilot an enormous muscleman around space, shooting
down other enormous musclemen. Maybe this is just a byproduct of some
Japanese comedy trend we don't know about.
4) Boong-Ga Boong-Ga (arcade)
According to Wikipedia, "the first arcade game that simulates anal probing.
You ram a giant plastic finger into an ass that protrudes out from the
arcade unit next to the words 'HAVE A FUN!! ENJOY.' As you poke, spank, and
probe, the game plays an animation of your victim wailing in pain, and then
the game rates your sexual virility based on the impact of your finger
against its virtual colon."
5) Night Trap (Sega CD)
This early DV choose-your-own-adventure starred the late Dana Plato. It also really irritated Senator Joe Lieberman, who deemed it pornographic. He apparently didn't realize that the goal of the game was to protect Dana Plato and
her nightie-clad companions from ninjas. In any case, Lieberman's antics got the game
a lot of media attention (the New York Times referred to the game's makers as "the
new pornographers," despite the absence of nudity or Neko Case), and caused it to sell a bazillion copies.
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In the News
12/21/2005 2:15:00 PM
A Canadian judge has ruled that group sex is "neither prostitution nor a threat to society." This abets an earlier ruling that day is neither night nor a gift from Satan.
Police in India launched a campaign to protect women from sexual harassment in parks. It commenced with female officers beating the crap out of women in parks.
Kylie Minogue is bouncing back from breast cancer, kicking down record-company doors and taking names of Eurodisco scribes far and wide in her determination to be "the priority artist of 2006."
Charlize Theron will not be a Bond girl.
Angelina Jolie's father, Jon Voight, wants Brad Pitt to knock her up. And deep down, don't you? I do. I always wondered what would happen if the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman had a bionic baby. It would be kind of like that.
Impotence may indicate heart disease.
An Oklahoma woman gave birth to a fourteen-pound, three-ounce baby. This reminds me of two "Weekend Update" jokes about birth and vaginal elasticity. I don't know why I've stored them away. For a day like today, I guess:
1) "Madonna gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday. The baby weighed in at six pounds, nine ounces, making it the fourth-largest object ever to pass through Madonna's birth canal."
2) "A woman in Brazil gave birth Wednesday to what doctors have called a 'giant baby,' weighing seventeen pounds. The woman will talk to the press as soon as she finishes putting her vagina back together."
Proving that there truly is just one America when it comes to news of giant babies, a horrified Alexis Glick interviewed the dazed-looking parents on the Today show this morning. "I've got to ask you the question on everybody's mind," she said right off the bat. "Did you deliver it ... naturally?" Turns out the woman had a C-section. Relieved, Alexis changed into a T-shirt for a segment on weightless holiday workouts.
— Michael Martin
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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Ideas!
12/21/2005 1:00:00 PM
Clitoral soap!
The Mary Antoinette action figure!
Cinnabon, Cheetos and Crackerjack flavored lip balm!
(Go to “lotta flavor.”)
A self-defense bedside table!
And finally: the cutest toilet paper roll ever!
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Quotes of the Day
12/21/2005 12:00:00 PM
Girl #1: "What do you think of Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids?"
Girl #2: "I don't get it, she doesn't want her kids anymore? She's just going to give them to him?"
Girl #1: "Man, you're an idiot." — Overheard in NY.
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Relief For Those With Foreskin Envy
12/21/2005 10:05:00 AM
Undo your circumcision with a synthetic foreskin.
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Alien Vs. Predator
12/21/2005 9:00:00 AM
Urban, geeky, sexually charged comics comics starting Alien and Predator. Via Gothamist.
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Quiz of the Week: Are You a H-pst-r?
12/21/2005 9:00:00 AM
 | | Behold one of the first images that comes up in a Google search for "hipster." |
While the word "hipster" is banned on Nerve, we'd like to share with you Gawker's Are You a Hipster? quiz. We scored a twelve. From shame, we immediately unsubscribed from LVHRD, which we'd never actually been to anyway, and got this e-mail back: "Ada,
we are sad to see you go. We would have loved to see you at the
strip tease for Charity on the 19th." Mysteriously, the thought that an underground party-throwing conglomerate — one party wound up as a Nerve gallery — wanted to see us topless really brightened up our morning.
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Your iPod Wants You To Support Amnesty International
12/20/2005 6:54:05 PM
In the spirit of the holiday season, The Cure, Postal Service, Black Eye Peas, and Snow Patrol are participating in the Amnesty International Make Some Noise Human Rights Campaign. You can buy their renditions of John Lennon songs here.
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Casting Call: Everyone Wants You
12/20/2005 5:01:00 PM
1) A National Women's Magazine
"Are you the girl who stays friends with all your ex-boyfriends? Do you want to be in a national women’s magazine?
If you and 3 of your ex-boyfriends are between the ages of 20 and 40 and live in the New York area, we want you (yes all of you!) to participate in a photo shoot. You’ll get glammed up by professional stylists for the shoot and be interviewed for an article about relationships and what made you guys compatible (or not so much).
Interested? Send and email to friendswithex@yahoo.com with:
*Names, ages, contact info for you and your three guys.
*JPEG photos of each of you.
*A brief explanation of each relationship (how long you dated, why it didn’t work out, why you stayed friends). 2) The Discovery Channel
They're looking for couples between
the ages of 18 and 26 who are madly in love to participate in social
psychology experiment. To be a lab rat, email Timothy.McConville@optomenusa.com. 3) A National Daytime TV Show
This TV show is looking for couples with a "creative" approach to monogamy. Anyone fitting that description can email me at ada@nerve.com. I might be going on the progam too, as a sexpert, so you can keep me company.
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Eliza Duskhu Doesn't Wear Panties
12/20/2005 3:56:49 PM
Eliza Dushku one-ups Rachel McAdams with the “clit slip.”
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Celebrity Fecundity! Who? Hint: B-A-N-A-N-A-S
12/20/2005 3:42:44 PM
Gwen Stefani is pregnant!
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Johnny Depp Someone's Man of The Year
12/20/2005 1:00:00 PM
Glorious Noise has given Johnny Depp the rather oddly worded award of "Upright-Standing Man of The Year 2005." Why? Because he paid for Hunter S. Thompson's funeral and has trashed hotel rooms, which seem like excellent reasons to us.
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In The News: Sharon Osbourne, Elton John, Britney Spears
12/20/2005 11:38:00 AM
Sharon Osbourne is getting a breast reduction. Elton John is having an old-fashioned stag party. Our friends Kiki and Herb performed there, playing "The King Must Die" for the Rocketman. We just looked at the lyrics and, you know, it may be the best bachelor party song ever written! Britney Spears sues Us Weekly. "Britney Spears should start a magazine if she'd like to dictate her own coverage," responds Us, getting all high and mighty. Follow-up: Jennifer Aniston is indeed a flasher.
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From Our Inbox: iPod First Aid
12/20/2005 11:36:20 AM
"HOW TO MAKE iPOD FIRST AID SEXY
"This should be soooooo unnecessary . . . why does everything have to be promoted as sexy? But we got your attention, didn’t we?
"Perhaps, this is the penultimate Woody Allen hook – Sex and Death – all on your mobile device (we stop short at expanding into the even stranger territory Mr. Allen has gone off to explore…)
"Perhaps people don’t want to consider death (what’s CPR about anyway, the prospect of death, right?), without also considering sex? So, spicing up the marketing of a product related to death may be essential. [...]
"If you are conscientious enough to practice safe sex, you are conscientious enough to include First Aid instruction on your iPOD. It’s about saving a life – your own, or someone near you. [...] "For more information: iCPR for iPOD."
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In the News: Nerve's Reproductive Rights Issue
12/20/2005 11:12:18 AM
There's the greatest piece by American Prospect senior editor Garance Franke-Ruta here. It mentions Nerve's reproductive rights issue and our article for it! She calls us "delightful"! Well, we met Garance at a party one time and she was a total fox. So even if she hadn't been so sweet about our piece, we'd be super-flattered she thought about us at all! Also she's just really smart about the future of the pro-choice movement: "If the gap between the private conversation and the public one grows too wide," she writes, "they may find abortion rights themselves falling into the breach."
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Reading Recap!
12/20/2005 10:52:07 AM
We did our first reading in a very long time at Galapagos in Williamsburg last night and it was so much fun! It started late because CBS was at the club filming a mid-season replacement show called Love Monkey based on the lad-lit novel — remember lad-lit? — until, like, eight o'clock. So when that show premieres, DON'T WATCH IT. And of course that pesky transit strike kept all the Queens and Park Slope dwellers at home. (We had to walk across the bridge to get to work this morning, so we sympathize with people not wanting to walk across boroughs in the middle of the night, wasted.) But there was a nice crowd, and the readers were all TERRIFIC. Andy Horwitz read a hilarious story about having sex with an intern and then adopting an imaginary daughter. Rev. Jen Miller read her "I Did It For Science" column about anal sex and got a huge laugh at the part about the Stealth butt plug coming on at maximum vibrate. Logan Hill read his brilliant Leisure Suit Larry piece from our video games issue, and jaws dropped when he described the gaming junket visit to a strip club. Rachel Hulin, Nerve's photo editor, delivered a world-class reading of her brilliant "How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love My . . . " Last up, Neal Medlyn planned to read his appreciation of R. Kelly, but when he mentioned the singer there was a loud noise of indefinite enthusiasm — was it a groan? a cry of celebration? So Neal, being the show biz trouper he is, decided just to sing Kelly's "Heart of a Woman" instead. And there was nothing indefinite about the reaction then. People freaked out. There was much hooting and screaming as Neal climbed across tables and ran down the aisle to serenade attendees. As we were leaving, we noticed everyone seemed radiantly happy and really quite drunk, so we'll do that again sometime when there's not a transit strike.
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The Cameltoe Report
12/19/2005 6:01:00 PM
We appreciate that this website is more about documenting a neat phenomenon than it is about identifying "offenders."
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Ren, Stimpy and a Naked Woman
12/19/2005 4:10:00 PM
This painting is by the guy best known for painting this. We love people with layers!
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More Holiday Gift Hell
12/19/2005 3:00:00 PM
The dildo cozy.
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e2941#2941 |
Weezer Singer Still Celibate
12/19/2005 2:06:38 PM
Weezer's frontman, Rivers Cuomo, has decided to remain celibate past his two-year deadline. He's doing it for his fans, because nothing gets indie girls hotter than a guitarist in his mid-thirties with dark-rimmed glasses and a bunch of credits toward a degree at Harvard who won't put out . . . wait — is that just us?
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Photos of The Day
12/19/2005 1:01:00 PM
Madame Tussad's takes tabloid Photoshop to a whole new level. Good information for that job interview where the boss has a piglet you need to befriend.Conan O'Brien is the sauciest paperdoll.
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Alert: SNL Actually Did Something Funny
12/19/2005 12:16:24 PM
Here it is. Our favorite part is the chorus: "Chronic what?" "-Cles of Narnia!"
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Dildo Island
12/19/2005 12:01:20 PM
A nice place to visit, a better place to live. Really, Gwynne says, she was just going to make fun of the name, but after reading about it she wants to move there right now.
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Today's Non-Story: Eye-Gazing
12/19/2005 11:42:06 AM
 | | Not sure this one is going so well. |
A guy named Michael Ellsberg is moderating parties where potential couples gaze at each other without speaking. This dating "phenomenon" has been reported in the New York Times and on CBS News. Here is the (possibly-unrelated) Tribe.
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In The News
12/19/2005 11:08:56 AM
Economics has been declared "sexy" by Newsweek. One contributing factor: Angelina Jolie."Girls Burn Barbie in Hate Ritual." Related: porn starring Dancing Barbie. A man with a foot fetish was arrested for practicing podiatry without a license. Castro called Jeb Bush "fat little brother." "Cop said to taser partner after soda fight." — This article is not nearly as sexy as the headline promised. A New Zealand businessman laced a real estate agent's spaghetti with Viagra
and then tried to make out with her. Talk dirty ye olde style using this dictionary.
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Crush of the Week
12/19/2005 10:55:44 AM
Reality TV has long been ruthless to its paltry crew of token lesbians, but
Kim Stolz is changing all that. The self-proclaimed dyke and Wesleyan grad, though unceremoniously dumped from the final five in what was surely the
most
dubious season of America's Next Top
Model yet, has made more press appearances in the last three weeks than the last four actual Top Models have, like, ever. In New
York, Stolz was recently awarded "best impromptu one-liner" of
the year: "One down, eleven to go!" after her spontaneous limo smooch from
Sarah, the gawky blonde from Montana. The two later ended up in bed, though
she tells PlanetOut:
"It's sort of like when you're at summer camp, and you're homesick, and you're
fifteen years old, and you become a little bit too close to your best friend."
So Stolz, daughter of model Carol Brandt, lost the contest and subsequently
her chance to star in thirty-second commercials titled "My Life as
a Cover Girl," but, as she told The Advocate in their
feature: "Our
Next Top Lesbian Model": "I'm still not sure that Cover Girl, being the
reflector of a relatively conservative U.S society, was ready for someone who
thinks that gender is a socially constructed term." True.
She snagged a guest spot on Veronica Mars and told AfterEllen
that she'd like to pursue acting, though she may go to law school.
Hypocritical drag queen Miss Jay can raise his eyes at the "gender-bender"
and Twiggy can praise her for being "different," but she's really quite
similar to all the college lesbians I know. She understands things like irony
and polo shirts and has talked about being asked to
autograph a naked stomach at Wesleyan, converting her parents to the Democratic Party, partying at Cattyshack and listening to Melissa Ferrick.
The winner, Nicole, can be glimpsed on the cover of my favorite magazine, ElleGirl, in January. And
that's fine with me. Why? Because Kim
wanted her to. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Marie Lyn Bernard
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Tabloid Fodder: For The Discriminating Gossip Hound
12/16/2005 4:10:00 PM
You probably don't have time to read all the tabloids this week like we do, so here's what the top three have to offer this week: Star's analysis of the "Tackiest Couples of 2005" is the height of irony, which makes it a must-read. And they're right on. The top three: Whitney and Bobby, Tom and Katie, Britney and Kevin. Star also asks the best question of the year: "Is Nicole too skinny for love?" In Touch fills the home of 'NSync's Lance Bass with a billion dopey Christmas knick-knacks — a wacky reindeer, a bunch of grinches, jingle bells and ribbons — then make it seem like he's a holiday maniac who does that every year.Us Weekly gives Howard Stern his latest media blowjob with a piece entitled "Howard Stern's True Love," in which he talks about how his live-in girlfriend makes him a better man and says things like "I'm angry all the time. Remember King Kong when he's calmed down by Fay Wray? She's my Fay Wray."
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Do You Have a Swollen Uvula?
12/16/2005 3:58:24 PM
If so, there's help available. This website is packed with swollen uvulas. "I have had a swollen Uvula about 5 or 6 time in the last 8 years. The first time i thought i had some sort of rare disease and i convinced myself i was going to die. Having a major hangover i decided that it must be somthing to do with that." "Thanks for the information. I woke up this morning with a swollen uvula. It's great to know that there are others who experienced this crazzzzzy situation. I did drink excessively last night..... I slept on my back.....I snore a lot when I drink a lot.... I am going to ride this out and worry too much about it." "Hi fellow club members. The problem of swollen 'dangly bits' occurs in Australia too! It first happened to me after a big night on the drink and associated vomiting." "Glad I found this page. I woke up today with the dreaded swollen Uvula although not as bad as some of you have had it. I will be brutally honest. I was hitting the bong like Cheech and Chong all day yesterday." And here's another swollen uvula support group! It's officially a trend!
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Fueling The Rumors . . .
12/16/2005 3:08:43 PM
. . . of Tom Cruise as puppetmaster.
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Anne Hathaway's Hair As Teaching Tool
12/16/2005 2:24:03 PM
The Gilded Moose provides a handy lesson in American history, as told by Anne Hathaway's hairstyles in Brokeback Mountain.
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Unfortunately, They'll Only Ship To Europe
12/16/2005 12:42:14 PM
"It's just wonderful when teenagers commit themselves with their hair and their skin to the Bible." — The pastor of a church where a sex-themed biblical calendar is being sold. The twelve images depict erotic scenes from the Bible, "including a bare-breasted Delilah cutting Samson's hair and a nude Eve offering an apple."
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Sexy Video Game Gift Guide
12/16/2005 11:54:04 AM
Wondering what to get that lusty gamer? The Leadership Council of IGDA's Sex Special Interest Group has come out with a Christmas Buying Guide. On its list: God of War, Second Life, Facade, Dreamstripper, LoveChess, The Sims 2, Brave Soul, Virtually Jenna. Today the site also links to 3D Striptease, which looks like how we feel on our very best days.
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Best Import Magazine Cover
12/16/2005 10:00:33 AM
From Gawker.
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e2919#2919 |
Rachel McAdams Falls Out of Her Dress
12/16/2005 9:56:32 AM
At the premiere of The Family Stone, Rachel McAdams protests her character's lack of an arc with this display.
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In The News
12/16/2005 9:51:54 AM
CNN wants to know: Are You Too Sexy For Your Job?Lou Rawls is trying to annul his two-year marriage to protect his assets. He's battling cancer.
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Creepiest Holiday Song
12/15/2005 6:11:00 PM
Disturbing and boorish in every way, the Dan Band spreads what their publicist calls "XXX-Mas cheer" with their new song "I Want To Rock You Hard This Christmas." The video is set in a retirement home and features Florence Henderson as a "santa seductress." This is why we should take a cue from animals and hibernate.
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Cartoon Satire, Good and Evil
12/15/2005 4:20:00 PM
The skeevy Burger King campaign continues.The Rocky Horror Picture Show re-enacted in thirty seconds by bunnies.
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Possibly The Last Sex Party Boat Scandal of '05!
12/15/2005 2:14:10 PM
It's been far too long since the last sex party boat scandal. This one involves some Minnesota Vikings, including quarterback Daunte Culpepper. At the Nerve offices, we've been pondering the non-compound-modified headline. Should it be party-boat sex scandal? Or is it sex-party-boat scandal? We are all about the idea of a vessel specially designed for aquatic sex parties.
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More Party Games: Celebrity Paper Dolls
12/15/2005 2:10:00 PM
Computer paper dolls! We did Rachel McAdams until we got depressed that her paper doll closet was more exciting than our real one.
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Inspirational Intern Mad Libs
12/15/2005 11:34:56 AM
We at the office have all become somewhat obsessed with S.M. Davis and his Mad Libs sermons. We asked intern Ali Moss to fill out "WHAT GOD EXPECTS FROM A 20 YEAR OLD." Here's some of what she learned:
1— God expects a 20 year old to be ready to do four bong hits, two freshmen, and thirteen hours a week of linear algebra.
2— God expects a 20 year old to be a freeloading, but self-important member of society.
3— God expects a 20 year old to have the uncommon qualities needed to build a successful ice luge.
4— God expects a 20 year old to live a sanctimonious life instead of a selfish life—willing to protest for righteous causes.
5—God expects a 20 year old to be a man who discerns God’s will for pop culture satire and is directly accountable to Seth MacFarlane for his life and his decisions.
(2) God is more likely to deal with men 20 and over if their bipolar, bisexual, clingy ex-girlfriends will step aside and let Him do so.
(6) Parents must realize that the most important truth of parenting is that of the effectiveness of a thinly-veiled personal attack and the slow hardening of their children’s hearts.
(7) Parents must be careful at all times to be subtle leaders, not necessarily through their actions but with rules, liquor, and constant, grinding criticism.
(9) A man should seek parental leadership, but ultimately must embrace the lonely and monotonous daily scramble he believes is God’s choice for his life.
(10) Parents must allow and encourage 20-year-old sons to seek therapy and prescription amphetamines so they can be decisive, humble, bold men of God.
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Utterly Random, Kind of Great Music Video
12/15/2005 11:30:10 AM
Rachel just IM'd this to us. It's about lobsters and magnets. Further explanations welcome.
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In The News
12/15/2005 10:24:51 AM
Playboy is going to India.The New York Post reports this morning that the new Superman, Brandon Routh, is so well-endowed his package may need to be erased in post-production. Supervert has an illustrated glossary of sex terms. The clueless headline of the day goes to MSNBC for "My man won't talk to me. Is this a bad sign?"
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The Best Date Game Ever?
12/15/2005 10:13:58 AM
Given the video-game obsessiveness of the internet population, I am disappointed by how little information exists on Namco’s 1992 opus Lucky & Wild. I mention this veritable Lost Ark of arcadia because it occurs to me that it may be the most perfect date game ever made. Fuck Skee-Ball. It only exists to humiliate you with its Freudian design. You will never get your ball into that little hole.
In the elegant Lucky & Wild, there are two players: you, and the object of your affection. One of you will assume the character of sartorial driver Lucky; the other, rakish gunman Wild. The question of who adopts which role will almost certainly have broader implications for your relationship. Who’s cool, collected and in control? Who’s rowdy and impulsive? Who’s Bogie and who’s Bacall? Who drives, and who, uh, has a lot of guns? Feel free to analyze further as you and your partner barrel through five stages of crime-fighting fun. Bad guys may attempt to throw dynamite into your car, but adept Wilds will quickly blast the offending explosives out of the air, assumuing the Luckys by their side don’t manage to swerve out of the way first. In between stages, you will return to the Pink Cats Garage for a tune-up performed by bikini-clad female car mechanics as you and your date subconsciously absorb this on-screen sexual healing. — Peter Smith
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Judeo-Christian Cleavage
12/15/2005 10:04:40 AM
Mets wife Anna Benson poses as Mrs. Claus.You know the enthusiastically slutty former Crush of the Week would rather have worn nothing but a yarmulke bra.
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Product Placement
12/15/2005 9:31:00 AM
The high-tech website for Big Headed Boxers make it seem like the underwear has supernatual powers to make penises look bigger. In reality, there's just a little measuring tape sewn onto the fly. They sell women's underwear, too; tagline: "Because without girls there would be no guys." Or how about iUnderwear?
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