Scanner

Gwynne says she once fell asleep watching Nick at Nite and had a nightmare kinda like this. Now we can all have a nightmare exactly like this.

Read or Leave Feedback   (4)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3920#3920

Check out this the terrorists-hate-us-because-of-gay-marriage campaign ad for Vernon Robinson and "traditional American values."

Of course, he does have a point that the apocalypse is nigh: Courtney Love is helping Pete Doherty get sober.

Denis Quaid had an eating disorder.

News flash! "Gay prevention programs harm teens."

Twenty gay activists were arrested trying to enter the campus of the college founded by Jerry Falwell.

A twenty-two-year-old man does not have to register as a sex offender after receiving a blowjob from a sixteen-year-old girl.

Dating advice for the bipolar.

"Camden Shop Offers Coffee - And DNA Testing." Well, when you're in Camden, you have to do something.

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3943#3943

Wherever you are tonight, know that Debbie Harry is entering the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, giving us an excuse to post these. If there are two photos of you that look remotely like these two photos, you have led a worthwhile life.

Remember that "Trapped in the Closet" episode of South Park? Isaac Hayes quit his role on the show because he found it unfair to Scientology.

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3937#3937

This is apparently what a humane mousetrap looks like. And these vases represent "sensuous curves."

A Scanner reader sent us this doctor blog excerpt. It's clearly just as fake as the male pregnancy stuff also on this site, but who cares?

"A handsome man with dark hair and bright blue eyes sat
down next to me, smiled, and introduced himself as
Adam — a Hong Kong citizen whose parents came to the
island from Great Britain many years ago. After
telling him that I'm Chinese, he pointed at the
television screen and winked, 'Well, since I'm a Hong
Kong native, I guess I belong to you now.'

"I inadvertently rolled my eyes and then lifted my
backpack to make a polite exit. Unfortunately, I
didn't realize that my bag was open and out cascaded a
flood of over 400 condoms, packs of lubrication, and
dental dams that I was planning to distribute right
after my HIV prevention seminar the next day . . ."

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3935#3935

"The wonderful thing about figures is figures are wonderful things! Their tops are made out of rubber, their insides are made out of spring! They're bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! The most wonderful thing about these figures is: There is more than one!" Yup! These boobies have more jiggle than Jello on a hot summer's day! Four figures are available for your enjoyment, each sold randomly."

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3933#3933

We’re suddenly glad we said no when Joy Behar pitched “Sex Advice From Chloe Sevigny.”

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3921#3921

There's talk of repealing the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Doesn't it make sense that Russell Crowe is the kind of guy to videotape his wife's labor?

Are we crazy or does every science article we read these days suggest a reversion to eugenics?

D.C. and Maryland may have their AIDS funding cut unless they start reporting the names of those who test positive for HIV.

Fans of Brokeback Mountain are sore losers.

A pregnant woman rented out ad space on her stomach.

In American Interest, intellectuals Bernard-Henri Lévy and Francis Fukuyama debate the sexiness of Las Vegas.

A Scanner reader reports celebrating "Steak and a Blowjob Day" on March 11th, but this casually misogynistic site says it is, in fact, tomorrow.

A Scanner reader just turned us on to Li Yinhe, this super progressive sociologist pushing for gay marriage in China. According to our reader, "This is a huge sign of more than just gay-rights progress in China. Insofar as gay rights issue tends to act as a sort of weathervane showing which way the winds of social change in general are shifting, this story is excelent news. Not all that long ago this never would have never made it to press and the sociologist and reporters that tried to print it would have been in jail." And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3915#3915

If you're still looking for something to do this weekend, you could always head to Clermont, Florida. As the pastor says, "It's time the church talks about porn."

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3892#3892

This Ice Capades video features Alyssa Milano in feather bangs, Jason Bateman in a hot sweater, and Mr. Belvedere as a computer virus. If you need some insight into what you've just seen, you can consult this blog, which offers commentary like, "Bateman's seriously freaking the hell out. No one before or since has ever delivered a line that includes the word 'dastardly' as earnestly as he does here." The Scanner reader who sent this in felt it was important to share, lest a dastardly computer virus leave you all in the powerful green hands of Mr. Belvedere-Koopa. Happy Friday!

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3917#3917

South Dakota Senator Bill Napoli believes that he is against abortion because he has faith – in people, in tradition, in America. He has faith that people are “not too far gone” to return to the traditional values he remembers from his childhood. In a widely-seen PBS clip, Napoli recalls, “When I was growing up . . . if a young man got a girl pregnant out of wedlock, they got married, and the whole darn neighborhood was involved in the wedding.” He honestly believes that by removing abortion from the equation – legally, anyhow – we can go back to that time. He also has faith that his new abortion law will protect anyone who’s worthy, even though it only allows for abortion in the event that it threatens the mother’s life. Here’s his description of a hypothetical woman who could legally get an abortion under the new law:

“A rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.”

Non-virgins who aren’t driven to suicide by the memory of their brutal rape? Well – they’ll just have to deal with the consequences. — Gwynne Watkins


Read or Leave Feedback   (3)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3914#3914

"Fit and feisty semi-retired academic American woman with home on Cape Cod, looking for London gentleman willing to consider transatlantic romance, liberal politics, theatre, the Wigmore, and/or kayaking."

"The uncomfortable mantle of guilt, the heavy cloak of ignominy, the coarse socks of denial, the iridescent trousers of doubt, the belligerent underpants of self-loathing. All worn by the haberdasher of shame (M, 34, Pembs.). Seeks woman in possession of the Easy-Up iron-on hem of redemption and some knowledge of workaday delicates. No loons."

"I've been using Vicks Vaporub for two years solid. What do you think about that? M, 58."

"In the circus of life, I'm its very willing clown. You probably serve donuts in a kiosk outside. We could never have any life together, but sometimes a clown just needs donuts. Possibly coffee."

"During intercourse, I can list Brian Eno’s ten favourite books in reverse order. Most women, however, only let me get to number 7 (Grooming, Gossip and the Evolution of Language – Robin Fox)."


Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3913#3913

A Scanner reader thinks this photo of Sienna Miller suggests "a giant black dildo has invaded her vagina or an alien turd has escaped from her bowels." Based on some of the tips we've been geting lately, we're becoming concerned you all have started seeing dildos everywhere — concerned or proud, we're not sure.

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3891#3891

Pinkballoon did it Dubya-style:
“Since invading foreign nippular space, lessons have been learned. Actions were guided by faulty intelligence suggesting that said nipples were products of a scientific program meant for future aggressive expansion.”

Tartlet took the sarcastic route:
“I now realize the error in my thinking — I mistakenly thought you had a sense of humor. I cannot imagine what life must be like for you, not having a sense of humor, but I imagine it must be quite difficult, and I will try to be more sensitive to that in the future.”

Piano_man added an extensive backstory:
“I first noticed your nipples when I met you in second grade. You had newly transferred from the south and were unaccustomed to Oregon’s winter conditions, and your habit of wearing only a t-shirt to school made your nipples protrude like thumbtacks.”

But our free month of Premium goes to profrobert, who managed to compose a sincere-sounding apology while employing every nipple pun in the English language:

“Dear _____:


I feel like a total boob for what I did, and not just because I got busted. I thought myself to be a bag of fun, a hooter, but now I rack myself with a guilt that burns like bee stings. I should have nipped my impulse in the bud. But now the headlights have gone on for me. I should have dug at the time that actions such as mine are only an invitation for a tit-for-tat response. Part of me just wants to run away and hide in the Grand Tetons, subsisting only on flapjacks and jugs of niblets. I apologize from my very bosom.


Ta-Ta, David”

Thanks for playing, everyone, and remember: always think before you pinch. — Gwynne Watkins


Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3910#3910

The Supreme Court very progressively refused to hear the appeal of a group trying to get this statue removed from a Kansas campus. (The prosecution claims it's anti-Catholic because the clergyman's miter looks like a penis.)

Our favorite Metro story migrates back. "Pale Male and Lola could be seen in recent months performing aerial feats, like flying in huge circles or dive-bombing the park, that were clearly mating rituals."

Marquette University bans The Vagina Monologues as "distracting."

The sex researcher who discovered intercourse lowers stress levels was amused by the press he got. He says it reminded him of "the paralyzing, anxiety-laden giggling that pubescent girls sometimes emit when confronted with their new and alienated sexuality." Doesn't he seem like he'd be fun at a dinner party?

Las Vegas is targeting gay tourists. Is it just us, or is the lede to the story a little graphic? "With an estimated $65 billion in annual expenditures, American homosexuals are one of the world's most sought-after leisure travel submarkets.
And Las Vegas, like other cities, aims to snag a larger slice of that pie."

Dominant women may be more likely to give birth to sons.

"Invest more in heavy sexual acts. Not too distorted, but at least interesting in nature." — What Jack Nicholson says he would tell Diane Keaton to cheer her up. (She's sad because he was the love of her life.)





Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3909#3909

Kate Moss appeared on the catwalk as a hologram, appropriate on about a million levels.

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3903#3903

Sex Advice from Project Runway stars is really something. Just do yourself a favor and read Jay's. A sample: I smuggled a bestiality magazine from Amsterdam to London. It's illegal to bring pornography to London. At that point, I had dreadlocks and looked crazy. They went through my bags. They were convinced I had weed. They found this porno magazine and confiscated it. They asked, "Why would you have this magazine?" And I said, "Because I have friends who have never seen someone getting it on with a snake." This was in 1995, pre-internet craze. I had to get strip-searched. They opened up my anus and did all sorts of weird shit. Two cops were watching me do this and I started to get a boner.

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3900#3900

"Totally don't trust this guy," says cat.

David Hasselhoff, long-reigning patron saint of Scanner, has, alas, been accused of domestic violence. Yanni, Thomas Kinkade and David Hasselhoff: the unholy trifecta of batterers.

Lede of the Day: "NEW YORK (AP) — Eric Balfour has the look of a needle. A needle — if it were human, curiously handsome and a promising young actor. Maybe even an on-the-brink star."

Did you know Rick Moranis recorded a country album? Which reminds us, if you ever need to hypnotize an eleven-year-old nephew, one word: Spaceballs.

Read or Leave Feedback   (2)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3897#3897

"VULVA Original beguiles the senses with the scent of a real vagina, thus opening up completely new vistas for enhancing your sex life."

Read or Leave Feedback   (3)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3870#3870

"I was in a rubber suit. I had rubber nipples. I could have played him straight but I didn't. I made him gay." — George Clooney on playing Batman. And re: our much maligned Crush of the Week, by conceding some of the criticism of Jon Stewart, we were not saying George Clooney's smug speech was good or anything. Our whole point was that no matter how cleverly he's criticized, we still like him an obscene amount.

Read or Leave Feedback   (6)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3889#3889

Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light, groped a woman’s breasts and peed on Winnie the Pooh. That sound you just heard was millions of Redbook readers gasping for air. Maybe he and Yanni can be cellmates.


Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3885#3885

Teri Hatcher tells Vanity Fair she was abused as a child.

Donald Trump joked about dating his daughter. Asked if she would pose for Playboy, he said, "I don't think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her."

Adam Levine dumped Jessica Simpson by text mesage.

Katie Holmes asked Posh Spice to be her birth partner.

F/X's new race-swapping reality show Black.White hosts a panel that concludes, "Whites tend to underestimate racism," he says, "while blacks tend to overestimate it."

British bars are now selling sex toys in vending machines.

A man concerned that people were having sex in a yacht club parking lot posted the used condoms on sticks, saying "There they hang tonight, flying in the breeze as a proud symbol of our freedom and the great traditions of Cape Coral."

"I'm still a cheerleader — on a stretcher or not," said a brave cheerleader who waved her arms, the only body parts still functioning, from the stands.

Today is clearly the day to go buy a lotto ticket or to look out for falling safes.

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://www.nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e3884#3884