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Romance novels are getting dirtier, as are Mercury News photo illustrations.

Jerry Hall has apparently thrown over poetry for baking. Can you say menopause?

This article seems like total smut but if you read it closely you can see it's just about aquatic bacteria.

Boys wear blue and like girls. That's Tom Cruise's story and he's sticking to it.

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"flirt. touch. wet. lips. These words sound ordinary enough, but this is not your ordinary sex book. nibble. lick. suck. spank. These are just a few of the erotic activities covered in the alluring and offbeat The Guide to Lesbian Sex. From the origins of desire to the joys of skillful fingers, to the delicacies of tasting and jilling, The Guide to Lesbian Sex provides entertaining and compelling information about how women can better please their lovers and themselves."

We like how all these words are in italics, as if they are part of some exotic foreign language.

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She also presents several excellent questions to mull on your way home this evening, specifically, "What's this crap about tampons and personhood?
You're a changed person if you tear your precious
hymen through tampon insertion? By extension, does
that mean that you are a changed/damaged person when
you lose your precious virginity?"


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Board the Bi-Tanic...
WEDNESDAY MARCH 22nd, 7:30pm-12:30am at the FRYING PAN LIGHTSHIP,
a boat that floats right beside the West Side
at Pier 63 on the Hudson River in Manhattan
(23rd Street and the West Side Highway, One pier north of Chelsea
Piers, just north of Basketball City)
Just to be clear, the boat doesn't ever leave port, so come whenever you want and the party takes place INSIDE the ship, where it is HEATED.

*OPEN BAR 7:30-8:30 pm with catered food from various nyc restaurants


*SNEAK PREVIEW clips from the documentary "Bi the Way"

*Bisexual performance artist/comedian NEAL MEDLYN (www.nealmedlyn.com)

* DJ FINGER ON THE PULSE featured at SXSW (www.myspace.com/fingeronthepulsenyc)

*JONAH BOKAER's acclaimed "NUDEDESCENDANCE" dance


*THE WAU WAU SISTERS cabaret (www.wauwausisters.com)

And much more, including surprise CELEBRITY GUESTS.

Ticket-Donations $25



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A Scanner reader's "crazy brother" has just started a website, sterilizeme.com, via which people can donate money for his vasectomy. We appreciate the United Way-style Vasecto-Meter.

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"You know that famous Adam on the Sistine Chapel ceiling whose fingers are nearly touching God’s but not quite? Well, I’ve stroked him. I’ve run my hand along his naked body, and I’ve slapped that big, muscled thigh of his. Not a hard slap, mind you. Just a soft slap of affection that ended on a rub. I’ve even stroked his sweet little willy. I know I shouldn’t have done. But I couldn’t stop myself. And it was probably the single most exciting moment I have had in art." — From a Sunday Times piece called "The Michelangelo Code."

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This new German Axe ad features the soccer star Lukas "Poldi" Poldoski, and an assembly line of fainting blondes.

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Good morning, everyone! Here's a story to wake up to: "Man severs own penis, throws it at officers."

And now, with a meditation on what the morning is all about, try this video of Bush's teenage nephew. Time to start campaigning for whoever's running against Pierce Bush in 2048.

Donald Trump's wife gave birth to a boy. "I produce chliden, I stay young," said Trump. Apparently, unicorn blood just doesn't work past a certain point.

A company called Beyond Bomb was busted for making pot-laced candy and soda with names like "Toka-Cola" and "Stoney Ranchers." There was fear these items might fall into the hands of people unable to distinguish them from legitimate brands, like potheads.

British police have reportedly been selling nude photos taken from closed circuit cameras. Do you suppose American cops feel a surge of schadenfreude when those lovable British cops get busted for something?

Brazilian prostitutes are starting their own radio station. In case you were wondering: "The aim was not to attract women to the business."

A forty-six-year-old woman told she was menopausal gave birth to a baby boy. Isn't it sort of reassuring that this pleasant, rumpled-looking couple is still having enough sex that they got pregnant by accident?

The closest you get to Anderson Cooper.

When I heard that Anderson Cooper had a blog, my first thought was, professional or personal? Then I realized what a silly distinction I was making. With Anderson, the professional is personal.

So I was aghast discover that Anderson’s blog (or, more accurately, Anderson Cooper 360’s blog), is written almost entirely by 360 correspondents, with Anderson himself logging only one missive out of sixteen: an ode to Mike Wallace, who announced his retirement from 60 Minutes. Granted, that single entry is filled with tittilating intergenerational erotic innuendo (“When Mike told me he was going to be eighty-eight years old this year, I did a double take. I couldn't believe it. He looks amazing, and has far more energy than I do…It's just that for as long as I can remember I've spent Sunday nights with him. Not literally, of course.”) And the blog’s headlines do indeed reflect that saucy, can-you-believe-these-public-officials? brand of Anderson sassiness we’ve come to love (i.e. “Help wanted fighting wildfires: no hotheads need apply”).

But none of these Anderson Cooper doppelgangers come close to the real thing. Much as they may try to feel the story the way Anderson does, I just can’t seem to feel them. The one possible exception is 360 beefcake correspondent Rob Marciano, who strikes just the right dismissively ironic tone in his feisty little dispatches, infused with Andersonian indignation. “Apparently, they won’t let hothead Italians fly either,” he wrote in his latest blog entry, referring to the water-carrying planes being flown by firefighters in Texas. “LEGAL issues, they say. Whatever.” You can tell Rob really feels those firefighters. Not literally, of course. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Will Doig


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In Wednesday night's America's Next Top Model, the second episode of the sixth season, the girls got makeovers, which meant hair-extensions, hair chopping and identity issues. Tall American-blond Sarah had her tresses lopped off into a "street chic" faux-hawk. She looked like she was going to cry but pulled through dry-eyed, telling Tyra "My boyfriend works for a conservative senator. I guess I’m not going to the Christmas party this year."

"Quirky beautiful" Furonda received ass-length hair extensions that pumped up her ego, prompting Jade ("bohemian") to observe that "she thinks she's an imitation Naomi Campbell." Furonda handed out a list of house rules including "If you need anything other than emergency items, please do not ask me" and "Stay out of my personal business unless I invite you in."

Furonda wasn't the only one with attitude. Jade's confessional neared poetry as she proclaimed
"I'm a strong ass woman;

I'm a soldier sister;

Recognize."

Even though Miss Jay thought Jade ought to "fade" and Nigel Barker said "Jade needs to get laid," they kept both her and Furonda on the show. Will Jade steal Furonda's granola bars? Will Gina drunkenly moon someone out the car window? Will Queen Latifah's makeup line for women of color receive a sales boost? We'll have to wait and see. For now let's all channel Furonda: "I'm feeling better now that my hair’s done. I’m fabulous and I’m beautiful." — Sarah Harrison

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James Blunt put his sister up for sale on eBay:

"I had a bit of an eBay addiction and I sold everything in my apartment in London and then I came in one day and my sister was crying because she couldn't get to a funeral in southern Ireland.

"None of the planes were working, none of the trains, none of the ferries, so I saw another golden opportunity to flog something and so I put my sister up on eBay, saying, 'Damsel in distress, needs to get to Southern Ireland. What do you get out of it as a bidder? You just get to be a knight in shining armor.'

"Everyone started bidding and a guy won and he had a helicopter and he could fly her to the funeral in southern Ireland and they're now dating and they've been going out for 18 months and she's living with him.

"I have a second sister, who's gonna go on sale soon."

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You know your morning was missing a bunch of photos of her canoodling with a chimp.

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"Chico, ex-goat herder, first Arab to top charts" maybe should up with a better epithet.

The Mexican government will compensate a thirteen-year-old rape victim who it made carry the pregnancy to term.

There's a rumor afoot that Angelina and Brad will wed this weekend at George Clooney's place.

Colin Farrell's ex has a lot to gain by getting their sex tape distributed.

Fox News says plastic surgery may improve your sex life.

The Smiths turned down $5 million to reunite at Coachella.

Spring Break advice: bring sun block, ID and plenty of condoms.

When you read TheHorse.com — "I have a 12-year-old Quarter Horse barrel mare I would like to breed. She has never had a foal, and we have not been able to get her to settle after breeding her with cooled semen for three cycles. What could be causing fertility problems in an otherwise healthy mare?" — you realize how veterinary all the talk about women not having babies over thirty-five is.

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You'll be happy to know Catholic bishops bend the rules on St. Patrick's Day. You still can't use condoms, but you can eat corned beef!

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Apparently inspired by the famous "Buy This Magazine or We'll Shoot This Dog" cover of National Lampoon, K. Fed says if you don't buy his new album, he'll become a stripper.

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A Paris Hilton photo album is up on eBay. The bidding's up to $338; the bidders' identities are, alas, protected.

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Well, she is: "I wake up in the morning and write a couple of verses. I've got a whole folder-full. I've been reading it to my sisters and girlfriends and they says it's very Dorothy Parker."

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Jack Black got married.

In Kansas, students now have to get written permission to receive sex education.

"Seriously, buddy, you've had sex six times in six years? You must be in great shape and your kids the most well-adjusted in the neighborhood." — Is it just us or is MSNBC's Sexploration column always kind of skeezy?

Pete from Fallout Boy reportedly sends nude photos of himself to fans. Via PopBitch.

J. Lo and John Travolta are among those who are being approached for the upcoming film version of Dallas.

Brokeback's creators continue their sour grapes campaign. "Rumour has it that Lionsgate inundated the academy voters with DVD copies of Trash — excuse me — Crash a few weeks before the ballot deadline," wrote Annie Proulx.

The Houston pastor who wrote Your Best Life just got a multimillion-dollar book deal. "His teachings
emphasize that consistent tithing — the giving of ten percent of a person's
income to the church — brings even greater rewards, both spiritual and
otherwise." Emphasis on "otherwise."

The wax museum sale in Orange County isn't really news; as a Scanner reader points out, "You can buy people — nearly wax or plastic — in Newport Beach any day."

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"I have done several abortions on women who have regularly picketed my clinics, including a 16 year old schoolgirl who came back to picket the day after her abortion, about three years ago.”

“Just last week a woman announced loudly enough for all to hear in the recovery room, that she thought abortion should be illegal. Amazingly, this was her second abortion within the last few months, having gotten pregnant again within a month of the first abortion.”

“I asked her if she thought I am a murderer, and if she thought I would be murdering her baby, and she said yes. But murder is a crime, and murderers are executed. Is this a crime? Well, it should be, she said. At that point, she became angry and hostile, and the summary of the conversation was that she regarded me as an abortion-dispensing machine, and how dare I ask her what she thinks. After explaining to her that I do not perform abortions for people who think I am a murderer or people who are angry at me, I declined to provide her with medical care.”



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An observant livejournaler finds proof for the Daily Show’s gay marriage prediction. (“It’ll take 2/3 of both houses and 3/4 of the states to approve an amendment saying that 2 straight parents are better than one straight parent, which is still better than 2 gay parents which is equal to a guy screwing a turtle.”)


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"It would be, for you, like living in a covered bathtub that's constantly moving, tossing you around as you defecate in it. It's filthy, painful and terrifying for these animals." - PETA’s reaction to this photo.


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"JT Leroy" gets high and mighty in Black Book, complaining about snarky journalists.

Michael Douglas gets high and mighty about marriage, complaining about divorcing celebrities.

According to this article in Foreign Policy, a decline in the birth rate signals a rise in patriarchy.

Penises are apparently vanishing by magic in Nigeria. “We were all eating in the hotel when he too came in and after eating he paid and as the boy received the N500 note from the suspected ritualist he felt a cold shiver immediately and his penis disappeared." Now that's journalism!

A woman in Singapore is said to have "psychological problems" after seventy plastic surgery operations in thirty-two months.

Germany's sex industry gears up for the World Cup. "Football and prostitution are a great match," says the owner of St. Pauli's Safari Cabaret.

On the other side of the issue: Der Spiegel outlines a new program that will help sex workers in Germany become hospice nurses. The logic behind this? Sex workers have "good people skills" and "zero fear of contact."

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