Drive Time Meditation: Land of the Free
8/21/2006 5:00:00 PM
China has banned the Simpsons from primetime, while Iran is censoring bloggers. It's times like this that we actually feel patriotic.
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Are We Looking at the Same Person?
8/21/2006 4:11:00 PM
Maggie Gyllenhaal almost gave up on acting after "getting lots of feedback like, 'You're not beautiful or sexy enough.'"
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This Just In: The Mile-High Club Has Lobbying Power
8/21/2006 4:00:00 PM
We recently heard a rumor that, due to new airline restrictions on gels and liquids, lube would be forbidden in carry-on luggage. Thankfully, a reader set us straight: you're allowed up to 4 ounces of personal lubricant.
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This Deal Won't Last
8/21/2006 3:33:00 PM
For just $425, you can get blue balls. Surely, one of our readers points out, you could at least get an hour with a call girl for that.
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Fun with Schadenfreude
8/21/2006 2:16:00 PM
As Snopes has taught us, some of the worst urban legends are true. Check out this painful clip of a Minnesota woman finding out that her boyfriend is married.
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Always Wear a Condom...On Your Lapel
8/21/2006 1:21:00 PM
The Condom Project encourages people to make and wear decorative condom pins. According to this article, " creating wearable art out of condoms attracts people who normally wouldn't wear the prophylactics, let alone touch them or even utter the word."
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: Mystic Dwarves
8/21/2006 12:00:00 PM
A Phillipines judge has been removed from the bench after telling investigators that three mystic dwarves &mdash Armand, Luis and Angel &mdash had been consulting with him in his chambers during trials.
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In the News: We Like Saying "Madonna Probe"
8/21/2006 11:00:14 AM
Headline of the Day: Germany nixes Madonna probe.
An Indian businessman born with two fully functional penises wants one of them removed surgically, as he wants to "lead a normal sexual life."
One of today's top news stories: the JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect "dined on pate, salad, fried king prawn, steamed rice, broccoli and chocolate cake" on his flight to jail. Wait til you read about his other two meals!
A Hitler-themed restaurant in India is drawing controversy. Ya think?
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Crush of the Week: David Walliams
8/21/2006 10:26:06 AM
We’ve been watching a lot of Little Britain lately, and we figured we were weird for thinking that David Walliams is kind of sexy. After all, he usually looks like this, or he’s dressed like this, or doing this. Then we came upon this website listing pages of rumors about Walliams’ affairs. Turns out he’s one of England’s most notorious playboys, which I guess we'd have known if we were, you know, British. According to one woman who saw his apartment: "It looked it belonged to Barbie. He had a pink sofa, pink coffee table, pink TV stand. It looked like a girl's apartment." And for that, he is our crush of the week. &mdash Gwynne Watkins
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Timberlake Not a Multi-Tasker
8/21/2006 9:00:00 AM
"I have trouble having sex to music because I'll start picking out the chords." -- Justin Timberlake
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Drive Time Meditation: 14 Seconds
8/18/2006 5:00:00 PM
Ellen Burstyn has received an Emmy nomination for her 14-second appearance in the HBO film Mrs. Harris. (You can watch it here.) Is this proof that awards shows are meaningless?
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This Just In: Saturday Night Live Causes Hypothetical Death
8/18/2006 4:00:00 PM
"Valdesolo and DeSteno found that the SNL-watchers were more likely to say they would push the large man off the bridge. What seemed to be happening, they wrote, was that the happy mood caused by the video clip partly offset the negative emotions caused by the idea of directly killing a man. 'By changing the emotional response,'" says DeSteno, "I can change your moral judgments.'" - Highlight from this article about morality and decision-making
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Video of the Day: Everything I Know About Drugs...
8/18/2006 3:07:00 PM
Yes, Hollywood has taught us all about drug addiction. But it's our YouTube addiction that we're starting to worry about.
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Tabloid Fodder: The Truth Will Set You Free
8/18/2006 2:00:00 PM
Us Weekly
The Truth: Nicole Richie does not have an eating disorder and "is a human being."
The Evidence: Richie has never owned a scale, she plays the piano, violin and cello and eats a Progain protein shake, eggs, bacon and cereal for breakfast.
The Lesson: When people think you are too thin, eat a snow cone in public to assuage their fears.
Life and Style
The Truth: Jen and Vince's relationship is "hanging by a thread" because Jen compares Vince to "her Sexiest Man Alive ex-husband" who looks like he "stepped of a GQ cover."
The Evidence: Vince's fingernails are "really long and dirty," and in Las Vegas he looked "awful – like he hadn't slept in days."
The Lesson: If you want to keep a woman, do not have "huge circles" under your eyes and "really pale" skin.
In Touch
The Truth: Suri Cruise is normal, and her photographs are going to appear in Vanity Fair this fall.
The Evidence: There is none. Tom has kept Suri hidden because Angelina Jolie, Gwen Stefani and Brook Shields all had babies at the same time and Tom wanted Suri to have the limelight all to herself. Also he's worried that she might be kidnapped. According to an insider, "Suri will likely be surrounded by bodyguards until she's 18."
The Lesson: If you don't show your baby to anyone, people will think it has deformities. — Sarah Harrison
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Plus, She Endorsed "He's Just Not That Into You"
8/18/2006 12:30:00 PM
According to this extensive webpage, Oprah Winfrey is a threat to children, Christianity, national security, and the institution of marriage.
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: Heroin-Soaked Panties
8/18/2006 12:00:00 PM
A Chinese woman has been accused of transporting 3.2 pounds of heroin soaked into 15 items of underwear. She claims that someone planted it in her pink luggage.
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This Is the End of the Innocence
8/18/2006 10:59:06 AM
Haley Joel Osment has been arrested for drunk driving and marijuana possession.
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In the News: Who Doesn't Have a Blog?
8/18/2006 10:11:14 AM
Iranian president Mahmoud has his own blog. Click on the little flag in the upper right-hand corner for the English version, and be sure to participate in the poll on whether or not the US is trying to start a world war.
Kelly Clarkson is way more hardcore than any of us suspected.
A new robot has been designed for the elderly. Speaking for the non-elderly, could we get a robot too?
US boys hooked on gospel, techno and pop are more at risk of
HIV infection than devotees of other musical styles, including "bling, bling" hip hop, according to a new study.
Insensitive headline of the day: Breast implants linked to suicide, not cancer
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It's a Fine, Fine Line Between Talking Parrots and Sexy Dogs
8/18/2006 9:00:00 AM
Paul Boutin at Slate uses the AOL data leak as an opportunity to study how people search for porn online. Some of his findings:
"My favorite plots show hours of G-rated searches before the user switches gears, what I call the Avenue Q Theory of Internet Usage. User No. 190827 goes from "talking parrots jokes" and "poems about a red rose" before midnight to multiple clicks for "sexy dogs and hot girls" a half hour later."
"An important related discovery: Nobody knows how to spell 'bestiality.'"
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Drive Time Meditation: Stella McCartney's Date My Dad
8/17/2006 5:00:00 PM
Stella McCartney wants to play matchmaker for her newly single father. Her pick: Blythe Danner. We have chosen to express our approval via this Photoshop montage.
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This Just In: Whose Agenda Is It, Anyway?
8/17/2006 4:00:00 PM
The Alliance Defense Fund, a right-wing "public interest group," has devised this handy flow-chart of the homosexual agenda. But we have it on good authority that this isn't the real homosexual agenda. For one thing, the colors clash.
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Video of the Day: Clell Tickle, Indie Marketing Guru
8/17/2006 3:25:00 PM
Is it wrong that we enjoy the part where the Pitchfork Media editor gets beat up?
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Artist of the Day: Pat Brassington
8/17/2006 2:14:00 PM
"What is that pink oval?" I asked her.
"What do you think it is?" she very sensibly replied.
The gallery's manager, Kevin Harper, suggested a condom. I was thinking more in the direction of bodily orifices. But it is, in fact, the top of a strawberry, from which the stem has been removed.
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It's the Crab that Makes It
8/17/2006 1:00:00 PM
Gallery of the Absurd has designed a Japanese Paris Hilton doll, complete with press release. Excerpt: "Tinklebell pup having sadness because she used as fashion accessory instead of like other dogs. Her wishness is to frolicsome in breezy meadow with refresh, but Paris not let her. Crabby live under dress of Paris Hilton and enjoy happy time with plenty of air and sunshine.Paris like to shamelessly show Crabby off and one sees photos of him all over internet if one should look closely with braveness.
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: Roasting William Shatner
8/17/2006 12:00:00 PM
What is it about William Shatner that inspires bad behavior? Everyone's buzzing about Andy Dick's face-licking antics at the Shatner roast, but we're more impressed by this clip of Betty White telling impeccably timed dirty jokes.
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In the News: It Just Kinda Happened
8/17/2006 10:33:32 AM
No one works a headline like Britney.
Except maybe The Independent.
James Woods has dumped his 20-year-old girlfriend; apparently, she showed up to a funeral in a mini-skirt and the stress from her inappropriate behavior sent him to the emergency room. Really, that's what it says.
Nonfiction books officially become more popular than novels.
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Product Placement: Cure Sleepiness
8/17/2006 9:00:00 AM
If you can't read the fine print on this device, it says, "especially suitable for drunk driving."
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Drive Time Meditations: More Bad News For Wallflowers
8/16/2006 5:00:00 PM
According to this journal article, "extroverts can maintain their moods better than introverts, and that permits them to experience greater habitual happiness."
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Mini Cupcakes and Dirty Stories
8/16/2006 4:42:00 PM
New Yorkers, take note: Nerve contributors frequently stop by to over-share at the In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series at Happy Ending. Tonight's authors include Lily Burana and our former intern Marie Lyn Bernard.
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This Just In: Madonna Causes Controversy for First Time Since 1992
8/16/2006 4:00:00 PM
Madonna's upcoming concert in Düsseldorf will be under close scrutiny from German authorities, who feel that her mock-crucifixion scene might be disrespectful of religious values. Whatever she's doing in this photo, however, is totally okay.
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Meat Cake
8/16/2006 2:06:00 PM
No, it's not a naughty euphemism; it's an actual cake made with ground beef, frosted with mashed potatoes and glazed with ketchup.
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Bruno Kirby: 1948-2006
8/16/2006 1:00:00 PM
Bruno Kirby was the only actor who could boast roles in both The Godfather and This is Spinal Tap. But we'll always remember him as Jess, the best friend with the hideous wagon-wheel coffee table in When Harry Met Sally. So here's to you, Bruno; the line "You made a woman meow?" will never be delivered better.
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: Big Brother Finale
8/16/2006 12:00:00 PM
"After a series dogged by controversy, Big Brother has been won by Jamie Brooksby, a twenty-three year-old who sexually harassed only himself for the course of the program. The last man standing from a group of diverse housemates drawn from different promotional modelling agencies, Brooksby won the heart of Australia by combining the hair of David Beckham with the poetry of Russell Crowe."Bookies called popular contestant Camilla as a narrow favourite before the final, a decision they are now ruing. "We bet against a boring, okker, white jock winning Big Brother", said a TAB spokesman. "What were we thinking?" — The Chaser.
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Photo of the Day: Don't Say You Weren't Warned
8/16/2006 10:21:02 AM
Further proof that before our very eyes Kirsten Dunst is turning into a vampire.
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In the News: David Copperfield Resurrects Dead Mosquito
8/16/2006 10:19:05 AM
"You can take dead leaves, they come in contact with the water, they become full of life again. ... Bugs or insects that are near death, come in contact with the water, they'll fly away." David Copperfield has discovered the Fountain of Youth on an island he recently purchased. How convenient.
Astronomers are proposing the addition of 3 new planets to the solar system. Expect Jupiter and Mars to start complaining about gentrification any day now.
The paparazzi have captured several more elusive inches of Lindsay Lohan’s breasts.
Capitol Hill interns are dressing sexy to get ahead, Monica Lewinsky references be damned.
NASA has misplaced the original tape of the moon landing. And we all know that "misplaced" means "accidentally taped over with A-Team episodes."
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Physical (Wink, Wink) Therapy
8/16/2006 10:17:00 AM
If you find yourself needing a rehab center, go with the one that uses this graphic.
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Quiz of the Week: Why Do You Suck So Bad?
8/16/2006 9:00:00 AM
We suck because we try too hard. Sigh.
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Drive Time Meditation: Other People's Crotches
8/15/2006 5:00:00 PM
This Salon advice column, in which a woman asks for advice on whether or not to wax, got over 300 impassioned responses. What makes people feel so strongly about pubic hair?
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This Just In: Prince of Skeeves
8/15/2006 4:00:00 PM
This rather embarrassing photo may have been taken three years ago, or may have been taken this summer, or may have been taken without permission, or "may leave Harry with a little explaining to do to girlfriend Chelsy Davy."
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If You're Into That Sort of Thing
8/15/2006 3:30:00 PM
This Dove deodorant ad shows a series of women taking their shirts off, then putting them back on inside-out.
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More Sex-Hungry Zombies than You Can Shake a Stick At
8/15/2006 3:00:00 PM
The Kinsey Institute gallery is featuring a Sex in Cinema exhibit. We recommend the exploitation section, featuring posters for Hitler's Strange Love Life and Girls in Chains.
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History Repeats Itself
8/15/2006 2:00:00 PM
In 1851, a heckler at a women’s suffrage rally asked Sojourner Truth why women deserved the right to vote, given that Eve, a woman, was responsible for the fall of mankind. "If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone," she replied, "then these women together ought to be able to turn it back and get it right side up again." Now Bill Gates is saying that women's efforts are the key to stopping the AIDS pandemic.
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Desperate Housewives Pre-Season Rumor Round-Up
8/15/2006 12:37:50 PM
Marcia Cross is still angry at Barbara Walters for asking her if she's gay. Meanwhile, Eva Longoria wishes she were gayer.
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: Shaï's Web Ads
8/15/2006 12:00:00 PM
French clothier Shaï is running video ads that use adult film stars. "Yet despite the graphic acts on the screen, at least some viewers are indeed looking at the clothes. Among the comments posted on an online forum, one visitor observed: 'There doesn't seem to be any info on the belt, otherwise well done.'" You can watch the videos here.
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Note-Passing for Grown-Ups
8/15/2006 11:35:00 AM
Are you nostalgic for the days when relationships started by checking the YES or NO box under DO YOU LIKE ME? These cocktail napkins may be the next best thing.
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In the News: "Couldn't Get Condom On"
8/15/2006 11:00:00 AM
Unlike the "AIDS Generation" before them, adults under the age of 25 aren't habitually using condoms. We're unimpressed with their excuses.
Headline of the Day: Four Sexy Witches Redefine Ghostwriting with Channeled Novel
A proposed plan to install security cameras at New York nightclubs provokes privacy concerns: "Many people might reasonably fear retaliation if a picture of them in a gay club were splashed across the Internet or the pages of their local paper."
In the age of ubiquitous steroid testing, athletes struggle to find creative explanations. Some of the better ones are "too much sex" and "steroids in the toothpaste."
The Defense Department discharged 726 service members last year for being gay. This article implies that some of them were outed through MySpace.
Kate Hudson and Black Crowes frontman Chris Robinson have separated. Insert "hard to handle" joke here.
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Our New Obsession: Astrology Songs
8/15/2006 10:00:00 AM
We used to question the accuracy of sun sign-based horoscopes. Then we discovered the astrology songs of Harvey Sid Fisher. Watching his interpretive dancer and listening to his lyrics – "I’m never far from the bizarre, making friends with the fringe/ Always ready with a helping hand/ Cuz I am in love with humanity/ It’s just some people that I cannot stand/ Gregarious, hilarious, Aquarius!" – it’s like he knows us. We’re seriously tempted to buy the DVD before our next dinner party.
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From Our Inbox: Death and Sex
8/15/2006 9:00:00 AM
Sex and death have always been connected. The French call orgasm "La Petite Mort" (The Little Death). In Shakespearean England, "To Die" also meant to have an orgasm. The Victorians believed a man's climax depleted his physical strength and moral resolve and brought him closer to death. Likewise, the sex act drained women of their vitality. We are as keen to examine sex as we are death; put the two together and you have an explosive, daring literary venture into the taboo. The multi-genre anthology Dying For It: Tales of Sex and Death satisfies with an exciting and entertaining variety of expressions on the two most intimate human acts.
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