Drive Time Meditation: Costume Crisis
10/13/2006 5:00:00 PM
No, seriously, what are you going to wear for Halloween? It's like two weeks away. If all else fails, may we suggest you go as a sexy nun?
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This Just In: Jane Magazine Turns Pimp
10/13/2006 4:00:00 PM
Since Jane Pratt left as editor-in-chief of Jane, the magazine has changed in many ways. The most fascinating to us is the introduction of a Virgin Blog, whereby the magazine tries to get its twenty-nine-year-old virgin intern, Sarah, laid before she's thirty. The rules of the game are described as follows: "We want you to think about a guy to set her up with. Send your potential suitors here so they can learn all about her quest and, uh, enter to win." Subtle.
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Because Condoms Should Be More Like Cell Phones
10/13/2006 3:13:00 PM
A musical condom designed to play louder and faster as lovers reach a climax is to go on sale in Ukraine. Grigoriy Chausovsky, from Zaporozhye, said his condoms came fitted with a special sensor that registers when the condom is put on. It transmits a signal to a miniature speaker in the base of the condom which play a melody. He told local media: "As the sex becomes more passionate, it registers the increased speed of the movements and plays the melody faster and louder."
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Crispin Glover's Urine, $15.75
10/13/2006 2:04:00 PM
Welcome to Celebrity Skin, "your best source for celebrity waste and bacteria!"
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Tabloid Fodder: The Body Beautiful
10/13/2006 1:15:11 PM
In Touch
Beauty Villain: Plastic Surgery.
Ashlee Simpson, who, according to “an insider” is addicted to plastic surgery. In addition to her April
21 nose job, In Touch thinks she’s had Botox on the sides of her eyes, an endoscopic brow lift and her
chin “softened.” The surgeon who did Ashlee’s nose says the “shaving” has made her whole face look
different.
Beauty Hero: Star Jones, who wore a bikini “for the first time in
years!” She’s lost more than 150 pounds in the past two-and-a-half-years.
Star
Beauty Villain: “Scary-skinnies” Nicole
Richie (a “wafer” with “the body of a teenage boy”) and Kate Bosworth (who looks “exhausted and
ill-maintained), whose “dramatically dwindling physiques may have already cost them romantic bliss” and
“could be putting their livelihoods on the line, too!”
Beauty Hero: “Bodacious
celebs” like including Mariah Carey, a “voluptuous songbird” who is “sure to sizzle” and Jennifer Lopez,
who “has almost too much of a good thing.”
Us Weekly
Beauty Villain: Tara Reid’s first
plastic surgeon. According to Tara he gave her Cs when she wanted big Bs, left bad scarring on her
nipples (the surgeon that fixed them said they were “goose-egg shaped”) and gave her a hernia.
Beauty hero: Tara Reid, who talks to US about the “harrowing experience” of getting
her breasts fixed. “Everyone thinks I got my implants removed, but nothing got removed. Instead I gained
something: my confidence.” Later she notes, “I feel like my rainbow is starting to come.”
Life & Style
Beauty Villain: Botox. A new
British study says it might be addictive. Life & Style’s Botox consultant highlights the celebs who
could be suffering. Fergie has “typical Botox brow,” in which “the center of her brow is heavy and the
corners are arched.” Jessica Simpson has the same problem, which “gives her a bit of an angry look.”
Beauty hero: Kirsten Dunst. On September 12 her “skin looked pale and lackluster.”
On September 26 she looked “rosy” from the peach blush that “brightens her fair complexion.” “Fall is
the perfect time to change blush colors.”
— Sarah Harrison
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: Disneyland Orgy
10/13/2006 12:00:00 PM
Come on — if you had to work at Euro Disney, you know you'd be doing this between shows.
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In the News: Gay Norwegian Animals
10/13/2006 10:50:46 AM
The Oslo Natural History Museum has opened the world's first exhibit dedicated to homosexuality in nature.
Madonna, in her most extreme bid for relevancy yet, is adopting an impoverished African child.
Kevin Federline made Britney fire her male back-up dancers.
Headline of the day: Man who urinated in soda has shy bladder.
Runner-up: Teen faces litter charge for bra antenna.
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Sign of the Apocalypse: Negative-Calorie Soda
10/13/2006 9:00:00 AM
Coke is introducing a new carbonated green tea beverage that contains a negative number of calories; in other words, "three 12-ounce cans will burn 60-100 calories."
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Drive Time Meditation: What's Your Motto?
10/12/2006 5:00:00 PM
According to CNN, one maxim by which the British royal family lives is "Never complain, never explain." Funny, they always seemed like a bunch of whiners. By what maxim do you supposedly live?
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This Just In: Asylum Street Spankers's Protest Song
10/12/2006 4:00:00 PM
The new Asylum Street Spankers ruthlessly, and pretty cleverly, antiwar video is called "Stick Magnetic Ribbons on Your SUV."
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Amateur Music Video Round-Up
10/12/2006 2:01:00 PM
Of all the pleasures YouTube has given us -- Japanese teenagers shrieking into karaoke machines in their bedrooms, instant replays of Ann Curry fucking up on The Today Show -- our favorite videos are inevitably those of the homemade music variety. In honor of Nerve's Music Issue, here are five staff favorites.— Will Doig
Vagine
Hyperactive
Misanthrope
Michael Fantasy
Baby Got Book
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: Here's One for Encyclopedia Brown
10/12/2006 12:00:00 PM
Malovic, a towering construction Advertisement contractor with his dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, took the stand as the only defense witness. He testified that Moore had bragged about his wife's wild sex life and invited him to join in as the supposed armed intruder who would direct the debauchery.
He showed up at the couple's Vail apartment with a ski mask, duct tape and what he said was a toy gun.
"I go in the door. Mikey Moore goes backwards, takes a dive over the coffee table. I'm supposed to say, 'Put her in the bedroom.' He gets up, puts her in the bedroom, and I'm standing there outside asking, 'Where's the other girls?"'
From The Case of the Armed Robber Who Thought He Was Just Playing a Role in his Buddy's Sex Fantasy.
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Bollywhat?
10/12/2006 11:03:00 AM
Who's your favorite Bollywood couple? We're gonna have to go with Shah Rukh and Kajol. If you've never seen a Bollywood film, start here.
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In the News: Op-Ed Edition
10/12/2006 10:32:33 AM
A male field-hockey player accidentally broke a girl's finger. Clearly, she is "a casualty of the logical consequences that follow from blindly bowing to the gods of political correctness" and we should ban co-ed sports.
A former Congressional page remembers Mark Foley fondly as "the only representative who would speak to me" and makes a convincing point that The Military Commissions Act of 2006, passed during the controversy, is much scarier.
"It's a scandal, really, in such a rich world, that we are not even finding a way to help feed refugee families properly." Oh, Angelina Jolie, are you ever wrong?
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Product Placement: "Slim Jeans"
10/12/2006 9:00:00 AM
"You've got nothing to lose but pounds and inches!" And all of your dignity.
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Drive Time Meditation: One-Track Mind?
10/11/2006 5:00:00 PM
Via: VideoSiftThis video shows a male Praying Mantis continuing to have sex with a female even after she's bitten off his head. Can you relate?
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This Just In: Aren't We All?
10/11/2006 4:00:00 PM
According to his website, Bret Easton Ellis is currently at work on a project called "Teenage Pussy."
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Scanner Contest: Win The Tori Amos Collection
10/11/2006 2:00:00 PM
Rhino Records has released a brand new 5-cd Tori Amos collection — including album highlights, B-sides and previously unreleased tracks — all packaged in an adorable little piano.
We have one free copy of Tori Amos - A Piano: The Collection, and we'll give it to the Scanner reader who comes up with the best fake Tori Amos lyric. Here's some inspiration:
From "Space Dog":
Deck the halls
I'm young again
I'm you again
racing turtles
the grapefruit is winning
From "Girl":
And in the doorway they stay
And laugh as violins fill with water
Screams from the bluebells can't make them go away
We'll I'm not seventeen but I've cuts on my knees
Falling down as the winter takes one more cherry tree
Email us your best fake Tori lyrics for a shot at the prize! We'll announce the winner on Monday.
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Video of the Day: Album Art Cover Battle
10/11/2006 1:52:00 PM
If MP3s eliminate the art of the album cover, we may never see another video like this.
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Elsewhere on Nerve: Amateur Photo Contest
10/11/2006 1:12:00 PM
We've gotta say, the entries for the Sexiest Nerd contest are pretty cute. (No Premium subscription? Check out past winners here.)
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: Denim Lolita
10/11/2006 12:00:00 PM
Lee Jeans Australia successfully trotted this ad past the censorship board, which determined "that the woman is over 18, is fully clothed in attire that is fashionable amongst young women for summer, and that there is no nudity."
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In the News: Have It Your Way
10/11/2006 10:23:29 AM
Some Burger King employees thought it would be funny to cook marijuana into the local police force's burgers. Surprisingly, the police didn't see the humor.
Mel Gibson apologizes for being "that kind of monster." You know, the drunk anti-Semitic kind.
Victoria Beckham looks "really awful naked". But not for the reason she thinks.
Headline of the day: Woman charged with drunk horse riding.
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Quiz of the Week: Get Your Web License
10/11/2006 9:00:00 AM
Have you been cruising the internet without a license? Take your driver's test at PBS Kids.
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Drive Time Meditation: Creative Dating
10/10/2006 5:00:00 PM
We asked a member of They Might Be Giants where he wanted to do an interview we had scheduled for a glossy magazine and he said, "Let's get champagne at the Oak Room." And so we did. At eleven in the morning. It was fantastic. If you don't have a corporate account, you can still do something more fun than meeting for coffee at a generic café. How about drinkable donuts at Krispy Kreme, for example? If some guy suggested that to us instead of dinner and a movie, we'd be very impressed.
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This Just In: DS Lites for Charity
10/10/2006 4:00:00 PM
Target is donating proceeds from the sale of the pink DS Lite to breast cancer research. Our favorite feedback: "Good for Nintendo and Target, and to an extent, Breasts."
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The Boobie-Thon Has Begun!
10/10/2006 3:10:00 PM
The breast cancer research fundraiser has launched its 2006 gallery. (Donate here to see more explicit pics.)
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Buying John Malkovich
10/10/2006 2:00:00 PM
Did you know that John Malkovich has his own clothing line? Check out the hats.
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To Catch a Sex Baiter
10/10/2006 1:12:00 PM
So, you know the needlessly sensational and exploitive "To Catch a Predator" series on Dateline? Turns out that payrolled "pedophile-buster" Xavier Von Erck may be the sleaziest player of all.
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Get Your Sexy On
10/10/2006 12:15:00 PM
Scarlett Johansson and Dita Von Teese pose for Flaunt Magazine. More photos here.
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: K-Fed Takes On Fictional Cops
10/10/2006 12:00:00 PM
Watch Kevin Federline's five-line cameo on CSI. Brought to you by 1.65 billion dollars of Google's money.
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In the News: Whose Tube?
10/10/2006 10:42:31 AM
Google purchased YouTube yesterday for 1.65 billion dollars. Now, if they also bought Wikipedia, they could have a total monopoly on procrastination.
A Kenyan couple will be spending a year-and-a-half in prison for having sex in a mosque during Ramadan.
A new study shows that women dress more fashionably when they're ovulating.
Make no mistake, Angelina and Brad's bodyguards will kill you.
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From Our Inbox: The Concealed Weapon Trend
10/10/2006 9:00:00 AM
NEW TREND REVEALED: NOW EVERYONE CAN CARRY CONCEALED WITHOUT USING A HOLSTER
NORTH, SC - September 26, 2006 - For sportsmen, law enforcement personnel and others who carry concealed, holsters can be a nuisance. And unfortunately, most brands of jeans are not designed for carrying handguns, knives or other concealed products. That's why a new trend has been sweeping the nation - designer-style jeans that also happen to be concealed carry clothing.
Recently, a veteran holster and knife designer named Blackie Collins revealed the amazing Toters jeans. Collins wanted to develop jeans that were very similar to designer jeans in comfort and durability. The new jeans would need to feel right while also concealing a knife or handgun in the safe and proper way.
More information about Toters can be found at their website.
(Amazingly, Todd didn't send us this one. We wonder if this publicist is his archrival.)
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Drive Time Meditation: Pretend You're Old
10/9/2006 5:00:00 PM
Monster.com's founder is launching a MySpace for baby boomers: Eons.com. The depressing motto: "Let's live to 100 or die trying." The goal: sharing post-retirement dreams. So imagine you're a retiree. Tell your fellow retirees where you hope to spend those final years.
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This Just In: Land of Makebelieve Party
10/9/2006 4:00:00 PM
If you're in New York, you may want to check out the party and screening to mark the end of NEAL MEDLYN'S LAND OF MAKE BELIEVE at Galapagos Art Space Wednesday, October 11, at 7PM. $7.
"After sixteen episodes, thousands of viewers, and numerous sex scenes and
evil plots, the show has reached a thunderous climax and we hope you will
too when you watch many of the best episodes on a big screen with an
alcoholic beverage in your hand." Neal and Carmine will be there in person, drinking for the whole cast.
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Today in Hasselhoff
10/9/2006 3:32:00 PM
In this lengthy profile piece, The Hoff refuses to take credit for the Berlin Wall falling, but says that was "chosen by higher forces" to do Knight Rider. The reporter calls him "noble and sad."
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Electric Tank Top
10/9/2006 1:00:00 PM
Here are instructions to make your own programmable light-up tank top. What would you program yours to do?
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Bad Behavior at High Noon: Shield Your Eyes
10/9/2006 12:00:00 PM
John Travolta, William H. Macy, Martin Lawrence and Tim Allen skinny-dip for a scene in the upcoming Wild Hogs. It's like Room with a View gone horribly, horribly wrong.
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Crush of the Week: The Crime-Fighting Boston Prostitute
10/9/2006 9:00:00 AM
From the Boston Globe:
A 19-year-old prostitute feared that no one would believe her if she said an off-duty Boston police officer kept forcing her to perform sex in his car. So one night, she fled his car with a key piece of evidence: his badge. Boston lawyer John Swomley, who represents the woman, said she came to his office in the fall of 2004. She is not identified in court documents.
"She plopped down a badge in a black leather case and said, 'Oh, my God, what do I do?'" Swomley said. He said she told him that "this guy has been making me give him [oral sex] whenever he sees me, and I just got sick of it. . . . When his pants were down around his ankles, I just took his badge."
And for that, she is our Crush of the Week. — Gwynne Watkins
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