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Here is the deal: We don’t get the appeal of House. We find it implausible, and annoying, and dislike the way Hugh Laurie—a charming, self-deprecating sketch comedian—is hobbled by a cane, a frown, and an American accent. But here is the other deal: You love House. We know this because we’re deeply intuitive, and also, because you mention it a lot in the comments section. So for our question of the day, we’re going to cede that the hottest doctor on television right now is House. You win! At least he’s complicated. And the hottest doctor of yesteryear? Maybe it’s Hawkeye from MASH. Maybe it’s Dr. Fleishman from Northern Exposure. Maybe it's the entire cast of the 1981 season of General Hospital. It is not Howie Mandell. Sorry, it's just not.

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This is a day for the record books, folks. Remember this one when you’re old and pruny and smelling of Ben-Gay. This is the day we linked to Details’ website not once, not one-and-a-half times, but TWICE. A banner day for lad mags. So what’s the occasion? Well, it’s this fascinating-but-maybe-horrifying-but-maybe-fascinating-again blog on why it’s awesome that teachers are having sex with their students.

“What's the big deal? Come on: The only thing these gals are guilty of is acting out one of the most tried-and-true plotlines of porn—the slutty, improbably smokin' teacher who needs to be taught a lesson by her baby-faced pupil. And if the guys are guilty of anything, it's telling their peers that life is exactly like teacher-wants-to-blow-me.com.”

Oh, Details. Details, details, details.

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It may not be as sexy as a rotating rabbit's head or a diving dolphin, but having a vibrator silencer may keep your roommates from asking why you were using an electric shaver at 3am. Plus--hellooo--bubble wrap.

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It’s not just you, gentlemen. ALL men are obsessed with genitalia, at least according to a new report in the Online Journalism Review. As discussed in this Boing Boing article, a study found that when shown a photo of baseball player George Brett, women focused on his face, whereas men also went for the junk. We assume the results would be different had the picture been of, say, Mark Wahlberg, but come on: Even grandmothers check out the unit on that guy.

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Not long ago, we brought you the turtle sex tape. Now we bring you the ladybug sex tape, and can we say? Much more vigorous than the turtle sex. This little 30-second shnippet has already been viewed more than one million times, and we are only responsible for HALF of those. Enjoy.

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We want to congratulate the state of Colorado on something. Not her beautiful, cresting mountains, her huuuuge tracks of land. No, we want to congratulate Colorado on choosing a state song that speaks to the hearts and the minds of her people. “Rocky Mountain High” is not about smoking the wacky weed—AND IF IT WERE, it would be okay by us. But “Rocky Mountain High” is about the high we all feel when we’re surrounded by nature, nestled in her glorious bosom, and getting more baked than the Wayans Brothers’ entourage. Bonus: Stories in the New York Times with quotes like this: “A high is medically the releasing of endorphins in the brain — yes, drugs cause it, but so do lots of other things.” Can we get a wink-wink on that one or what?

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Recently we found this list of the most-viewed pages on Wikipedia. Fascinating stuff. At number two? Battle of Thermopylae, which now has one more hit, since we didn’t know WHAT it was. Could this possibly be right? A Greek war beats out “sexual intercourse” (#12), “pornography” (#13), and Heroes (#9) for most viewings on Wikipedia? It’s crumbling our world view. Then again, the person who’s looking up “pornography” on Wikipedia needs a new browser or something.

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High school has always been a factory for asinine (excuse us: seemingly arbitrary) rules. Back when we wore the blue and gold (Go, Scotties!), the baffling rule had to do with the length of a skirt—more than one inch above the knee, and you were going home, missy. The football coach/assistant principal actually pulled out a ruler to measure the wobbling knees of wayward lasses, which strikes us now as totally pervy.

Today in stupid high school rules, the Australian town of Warrnambool has declared that students must remain two bricks apart at all times. What kind of metric is this? Are they exchanging pelts for peanut-and-butter sandwiches and doing their math homework with an abacus, too? Anyway, the point isn’t the measurement, per se, it’s the existence of the edict in the first place. Well-played, Warrnambool. You've made a rule that's actually harder to understand than your town name. (Thanks to Leigh for the link.)

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We recently came across an interesting blog post about hot doctors on TV, wherein two girls run through the current crop of emergency-room dramas, citing which characters they would and wouldn’t do. Two things struck us: First, we should be friends with these girls. Second, who is the hottest doc on TV? Because we know—WE KNOW—you’re not going to say McDreamy. (Thanks to Bill for the link.)

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Details Magazine’s recurring “O-Face or ______ Face?” feature is full of surprises: For one, it has given us a reason to read Details. Now, they bring us the “O-Face or Game-Show Face?” contest, which inexplicably does not include Howie Mandell or Regis Philbin, who clearly could land in either category.

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Celebrity designer you’ve never heard of becomes “celebrity designer arrested on rape charges.”

Republican senator rebukes General Pace’s homophobic comments on the military.

Debunking 10 myths about the pill. Like, it’s not just some magic pill. Oh, wait. Yes, it is.

DePauw University evicts elitist sorority . And, like, those were the cute ones.

Why do fat girls hit puberty early?


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Wow, little Molly Ringwald knocks out a straight-up cougar! Well-played, Molly. Your support staff was perhaps a smaller group than normal, but they adored you nonetheless. And after all these years, you still look foxy.

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As a general rule, we're anti-vanity plates, but we'll make an exception for the crafty Los Angelenos who figured out how to sidestep the 7-character limit to pay homage to his favorite thunderous butt-rockers. Hey, that's what Lars Ulrich would do. Only afterward, he would sue your ass for copyright infringement. (via LAist)

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There are so many creative ways to propose marriage. You could jump out of a cake. Or you could kill someone and write “will you marry me?” in fresh blood. But those are just a few suggestions. There’s millions more. And Mental Floss has a compendium of other
imaginative ways to seal your fate, including marriage proposal via Google Maps and this romantic multipage website featuring the dude from eHarmony.com. Because I know when I face the most important question of my life, I want that guy to be there, blathering on about his romantic compatibility indexes.

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You remember the show. But you probably don't remember it like this.

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Do you hate American Idol? So do we! Do you love American Idol? So do we! The AI juggernaut is like a lingering sickness we can’t shake, although no bout of strep throat ever destroyed our soul like Ryan Seacrest. Anyway, we do have a few AI tidbits to bring your way. First is the news that former contestant Mario Vazquez is facing charges that he masturbated in front of a male employee. Second is the petition to get the booted and bootied Antonella Barba to pose for Playboy. And third is the Sanjaya Malakar sex tape. THE WHAAAAT? Is there really a Sanjaya Malakar sex tape?!??! Of course not. But if there were, we know it would feature smooth soul and jazz hands. But while we’re on the subject, has anyone noticed Sanjaya's resemblance to Ugly Betty’s showtune-obsessed Justin, aka Mark Indelicato? It’s like the only thing separating these two is five years, a shell necklace, and a couple flips on the dial.

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Recently at a party, we saw a little boy, who was there with his parents, stick his hands in his pants and gesture vigorously. “That’s dirty,” snapped his mother, yanking his arm out of his corduroys. Naturally, we stared at the bottle in our hands and investigated the ingredients. Where to look when these things happen? What to say? Someone nearby tried to puncture the awkwardness, “Oh, that’s okay, it’s natural,” he said, and the mother shot him a look that wasn’t an eyeroll but could have been. We looked even harder at the label. Huh. Carbonated water. You don’t say.

Today on Babble, Nancy Hamilton has a great story on the slippery topic of childhood masturbation.

“When I saw that it was becoming a more frequent, and seemingly intentional behavior on my daughter's part, I wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. My concern may have been based on my own sexist assumptions about such behavior. From the beginning, I was determined to raise my daughter with the girls-can-do-anything-boys-can-do approach. I just didn't know that at a very early age, anything would include that.”

Also, an interview with Jon Stewart-approved children’s musician and former grunge rocker, David Weinstone.


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Some poor eggheads at the University of Texas spent many long and sexless nights on this scientific discovery, so let’s act excited: Men lust for an hourglass figure.

But size doesn’t matter as much as the woman’s WHR, aka waist-to-hip ratio: "For every century, three body parts - breasts, waist and thighs - are more often referred to as beautiful than other body parts. Moreover, waist size was always described as narrow or small; there were 66 romantic descriptions of waist in these three centuries, and every one of them referred to a narrow waist."

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As we speak—or read, or type, or drool—the SXSW festival is churning onward in Austin, Texas. Can you feel it? That is the power generated by 100,000 hangovers. We’re skipping the debauchery this year, but we do have a mole in the festival. And recently he attended a SXSW Interactive Festival panel featuring the illustrious John Cameron Mitchell of Shortbus fame, who supplies us with our the quote of the day:

“I ate pussy for the first time, as an act of solidarity [with the actors of Shortbus]. I can still taste it.”


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80s comedies presented romance as a painful, but precise, dilemma: The tomboy versus the beauty queen, the nerd versus the jock, the embattled father versus the boy holding the jambox over his head. Because these were romantic comedies, the choice was usually self-evident. It would be difficult, there would be obstacles, but true love would win out, set to the tune of OMD and Peter Gabriel.

Reading Lisa Gabriele’s essay on Pretty in Pink in Nerve this week, we were reminded of a different dilemma, which sort of encapsulated the 80s for us, a split between two starlets who dominated the decade. The first was a pretty redhead who represented all the bespectacled, vintage-clothes-wearing beauties tucked away in a library. The second was a husky-voiced party girl who looked slammin’ in a bikini. For us, the 80s were an internal battle between these two personas. Not Blaine or Ducky. Not Judd Nelson or your parents. But Molly or Demi? Demi or Molly? Of course, we're not asking which lady you'd rather be; we're asking which one you'd rather bed.

And so, battle it out, friends. WHO WOULD YOU RATHER?

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Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff condemns homosexuality and the military’s don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy: “I believe homosexual acts between two individuals are immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts.”

Episcopal minister stops performing all weddings as a protest on the ban against same-sex unions.

Eve Ensler to speak at a school where three students were suspended for performing her play. Presumably, she will get suspended.

Flying high now: Sylvester Stallone charged with carrying a banned human growth hormone into Australia.


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Last night, we saw Talk Radio on Broadway. Great show, and Ben Brantley agrees. Thing is, no matter what you think of Bogosian’s play, you can’t leave the theater without having this thought: Liev Schreiber is one talented motherfucker. He spends most of Talk Radio chainsmoking and ranting into an ever-prominent phallic symbol, and he couldn’t be more compelling. He also directs films. He also plays Macbeth. He also impregnates beautiful actresses. Mark our words: Even his eyebrows could win an Oscar. All this, and he has a totally hard-to-pronounce name. (It’s two syllables. Like Kiev, with an L). The New York Times called him the greatest theater actor of his generation. And also, he was in Scream.

And for that, he is our Crush of the Week.

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So check it: Sex is popular, and gaming is popular—how come there aren’t more sex video games? Collision detection software, for one thing. As you might have guessed, we have NO CLUE what that is, so we’ll let this article explain it for you.

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“Crikey, mates, it’s your friend Steve Ehhh-win here, returned from a spell in the watery grave. Bit nippy, iddinit? Anyway, you didn't think a stingray could keep down ol’ Steve, now did ye? I’ve come back as this beautiful snow sculpture in Grand Rapids, Michigan—nice town, friendly people, close to the Kellogg’s cereal plant. An’ I’ve brought me old friend, the croc. It’s an amaaaazing likeness, don’t you think? Really captures me essence. Ooh, don’t mean to quibble, but me hair is a wee longer in the back.” And so on and so on. Anyway, you get the point: This is happening.

UPDATE: A Scanner reader in Grand Rapids writes in with tragic news. The Steve Irwin sculpture is currently melting. Yeeegads, it was agonizing enough to lose Steve the first time! This is too much. Everybody, click your heels together and see if we can't save the Irwin snow sculpture! Oh, the humanity!!!

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Is that John Krasinki in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Did that even remotely make sense? Anyway, it's an Office cocktail with a twist of Nelly and a sprig of ridiculous. Knock it back, friends.

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It may only be lunchtime, but we're ready to call this the news story of the day. This old man may look tame, but the BBC reports:

"Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found drunk and naked apart from bondage gear. Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth."

Please add your own exclamation points, preferably after every! single! word! And how brilliant is the second little detail? We're thinking this inspired-by-a-true-story movie's going straight to Cinemax.

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Back in those heady days of college--when we spent most afternoons marinating in Derrida, and Faulkner, and Keystone Light--it never occurred to us that we would one day make a living by doing things like posting a picture of Tommy Lee kissing Lukas Rossi. It never occurred to us that we would know a Lukas Rossi, or that such an apricot-faced leprechaun rocker could even exist. But friends, this is the moment we’re finally making good on that fancy state school education. A gallery of kissing celebrities. (And yes, the "dude who won Rockstar" indicates a mighty loose interpretation of the word "celebrity." And yes, Tommy Lee kisses everything.)

Before we leave this picture: Please take a moment to appreciate the guy on the lefthand side, who's all, "Don't look at me. I'm just here for the free drinks." We love this man. If you are out there, man on the lefthand side, please call us.

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Boy, we like that Keira Knightley. Smoldering eyes, beautiful lips. And have we mentioned how much we love Johnny Depp? Imagine a football field, now quintuple that. Now multiply that times six. Add the square root of your age. Subtract about two unnecessary sentences in this post, and you're close. Orlando Bloom? Wanker. But anyway, we totally understand why someone would want to turn Pirates of the Caribbean into a comic packed with threesomes and butt piratry. If only someone had lavished such creative energy on writing a better sequel. Of course, Disney isn't really loving it. Screengrab has more.

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This ad for Durex lubricant looks awful tasteful, doesn’t it? Lovely candelabra. Sophisticated wallpaper. Is that a Queen Anne cabinet? And then you get to the type at the bottom: “Enjoy the other side.” Wait a minute, this is an anal sex ad. Sneaky! They snuck that shit in the back door, baby. Enjoy more unusual ads here.

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Here is the story, as far as we can tell: An Atlanta NBC affiliate uses a Google image for Krispy Kreme without actually reading it. Does this happen? Well, we’re not even reading this blog post as we type. The catch, of course, is that said image is emblazoned with the phrase, “So good you’ll suck dick.” Nice! (BTW, is it us, or is Krispy Kreme so not all that? Sure, we'd maybe pay a buck. But suck dick? Psssshw.) So, you cynical Interweb smartypants: Is it an Internet hoax? Do you really care? We want to believe. (Thanks to Aysha for the link.)

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Comic book targeted to Latinas warns against statutory rape.

Trying to kill the myth of the “down-low” man.

Snoop Dogg arrested on—you’ll never believe this—drug suspicion.

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So what does this mean? More Scanner. Hotter Scanner. Wetter Scanner. Better Scanner. Huzzah! Go knock that weekend in the balls, kids.


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If this has been linked on Scanner before, we apologize. We're having a little problem with redundancy over here. But we sometimes like Louis CK. Man, remember when handjobs were just the most exciting thing ever? That day has passed.

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Ever had sex in a car? Yup, that was called high school. Ever had sex sex with a car? Not yet. We’ll wait till someone upgrades it from “media fascination” to “sweeping the nation” status. Besides, we live in New York. Have you seen the grill of a taxi cab? Fortunately for the lonely Honda Accords out there, one man is making it a prority to spin their tires. To give them a good rim job. To pop under the hood. Oh, stop us already. So far, he's “made love” to 30 cars. Sadly, only the Hyundai called him the next day. (Thanks to Jo for the link.)

UPDATE: Scanner friend Chad sends in the SNL commercial for “Mercury Mistress”, the car you can have sex with. Sorry: The car WITH WHOM you can have sex.

Did you know that there are nannies you can hire for $1000 to put your kid to sleep? Whoa, if we are going to afford upscale parenting, we seriously need to cut back on our meth addiction. Besides, back in our day, you just left the kid to cry all night. For concerned parents on a budget? We introduce you to … the earplug.

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Not to break news or anything, but the Anna Nicole gossip has been insane. Noticed? Yesterday, Gawker floated out the idea that Dannielynn's real father is Anna Nicole’s son, Daniel. Not sure we’re ready to jump on that bandwagon yet. But this week, Phoenix New Times brings us the story of Anna Nicole’s secret love child, a Native American boy named Marshall Soto. An excerpt:

"I want mama je'e," he cries, as the news channel shows a mahogany coffin draped in pink, rhinestone-encrusted satin being removed from the hearse by pallbearers. "Mama je'e, is she in the box?"

Oh, yes, it’s that insane. Happy Friday, folks.


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A personal history of kissing: Kissing began in 1988 on a front porch in suburban Michigan with an inappropriately older (19) drunk guy with a fondness for chewing tobacco and lapping at my neck. It’s a miracle we kept it up. For an actual history of kissing—or highlights, at least--read this.

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Wipe that booger under your desk and sit up straight. We’d like you to meet “Marry, Fuck or Kill,” our newest Scanner feature. Each Friday we’ll present you with a set of three different people. Your job is to tell us which one you’d marry, which one you’d fuck, and which one you’d rather see mauled to death by robotic monkeys. Remember this is a game of forced choice, which means you must assign one answer to each individual and no answer can be repeated twice.

Kicking things off is a sperm-shilling arthouse film director, an ear-slicing absinthe drinker, and a horror movie icon with the creepiest cackle this side of Transylvania.

Marry, Fuck, or Kill?

a. Vincent Gallo

b. Vincent Van Gogh

c. Vincent Price

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Antonella Barba free to pose naked now. Sundance Head, also free to pose naked.

Facebook opens up to anyone, and at least one curmudgeonly fiftysomething is pleased about it.

Is hip-hop tapped out?


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And so we must leave you till tomorrow morn. But we can't part without a little photographic montage of the ice skaters whose asses, if not mesh tops, put Will Ferrell to shame. And thanks to one reader for reminding us of the Tom Jones of the skate rink, Evgeni Plushenko, who performed a bizarre on-ice striptease. Did someone just drop a SEX BOMB?

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Thought we were going to miss International Women’s Day? Nevahhh. We celebrate this day every year by handing out tampons and Massengils at the soup kitchen. No, kidding, not sure how we’ll celebrate this year. Well, The Office is on tonight.

IWD isn't such a hot deal in America, but it is some places. And so we ask that you salute women--or salute yourself--and please interpret "salute" as warmly and broadly as you please. Oh, and if you're a graphic designer? Please make IWD a new icon. They seem to need it.

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A creative, or at least pop culture-inspired, guide to finger fucking. If this doesn't bring peace in the Middle East, we don't know what will.

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If you have never seen
a clip of turtles having sex, then this is a special moment for you. It is the end of a long tortoise-humping draught in your life. Oh, it was just so much ineffable sadness until you saw this, one minute and 37 seconds of blurry, animal-kingdom weirdness. But turtles, what’s with the shell-banging already?


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A Scanner reader recently emailed us with what she hoped was a first: A same-sex teacher-student liaison in Washington. Oh, baby, that’s happened before. Hell, twins have been arrested for that. You gotta wake up awful early in the morning to raise the bar on student-teacher relations these days.

Speaking of, yesterday there was a news report about a Brooklyn teacher who slept with a student. And we were all, “Oh, is that the one who slept with five boys? Or the two teachers who had sex with the same girl?” Neither. Sheesh, there used to be just one, Mary Kay Letourneau, and now there’s dozens. So is there a WHOLE LOT MORE sex with students these days, or just a lot more news reports about it? Either way, we think it calls for a quiz.

QUIZ TIME! So look at those faces, and tell us this: Which woman is the basketball coach who had a lesbian affair? Which Michigan woman got no jail time after having sex in her car with a 16-year-old boy? Who blamed her behavior (which included having sex with a 14-year-old in her classroom) on an undiagnosed bipolar disorder? Who is the Christian teacher who carried on a two-year affair with a 15-year-old male student?

Got your number-two pencils ready? Good luck!

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A 90-second guide we could all use. Oh, it's all fun and games until someone finds a dead pigeon.

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Ever seen Heart of Darkness, the documentary about the making of Apocalypse Now? You will never watch the West Wing the same way again. Martin Sheen is so dangerously crazy, so drunk and sexy in that documentary (and the movie it's about!) that he makes up for unleashing the sperm that would somehow lead to Two and a Half Men. Thing about Apocalypse Now is that it’s not only a brilliant, violently erotic movie, but people almost died making it. Which brings us to Screengrab’s 10 Most Dangerous Films of Ever Made. Kids, don’t try this at home.

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Now this is just getting ridiculous. The AP reports: “A public high school has suspended three students who disobeyed officials by saying the word ‘vagina’ during a reading from a well-known feminist play.” That’ll show ‘em... something. Meanwhile, the cheerleaders practice their Pussycat Dolls routine for the pep rally.

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We’re generally very skeptical about the wink-wink “accidental porn” in children’s television. But then every once in a while, you see something that makes you believe. Like this 14-second clip from the Teletubbies. Somebody’s tinky is totally getting winkied.

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This is the last day you can enter to win a date with Tara Conner, disgraced and newly rehabilitated Miss USA. But fortunately, this is not the last day you can enter Tara Conner.

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Lord help us, but we’re kind of excited about the Will Ferrell ice skating movie. What can we say? We grew up adoring the winter Olympics, which might tell you a little bit about our social lives circa 6-10 years old. We love that Ferrell is bringing the spotlight back to fringe-and-sequined-lycra fashions, we love that his character’s name is Chazz Michael Michaels, and we love the stupid tagline: “Kick some ice.” Nice. It sounds ridiculous now, but there was a time in our lives when we actually looked up to ice skaters. They were so graceful and lithe. They did axels and lutzes; meanwhile, on the ground, we tried to master the one-handed cartwheel. But looking at those crotch-riffic shots of Ferrell on the ice, it made us wonder: Who is the hottest ice skater of all time? Can we talk about this? Because we’re kind of stumped.

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Calvin Klein introduces “technosexual” fragrance for the hookup generation: A typical line from the press materials for CK in2u goes like this: ‘She likes how he blogs, her texts turn him on. It’s intense. For right now.’” HOT!

How London theatergoers learned to stop worrying and love Harry Potter naked .

Leftwing blogs uncovered the gay porn past of a staunch military advocate, and turns out, he’s kinda glad.

Minor, oh-so-minor, outrage as Sarah Silverman’s show goofs on one-night stand with God.


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