If you ever needed another reason to not follow your dream of writing a novel, look no further: former supermodel/America's Next Top Model host Tyra Banks' new book, Modelland, is now No. 2 on the New York Times children's bestseller list. The novel, which hit bookshelves Sept. 13, tells the story of a bevy of aspiring models competing for the top slot at a world-class modeling academy. The book is the first of a series of three fantasy novels, a piece of news that should piss off everyone except Banks's management team and eleven-year old girls who thought the Twilight series was too challenging. 

Although the success of Tyra's first book is discouraging to anyone with an MFA or a fair to moderate grasp of the English language, in all fairness Modelland actually sounds more interesting than many other ghost-written celebrity projects. For one thing, it's a fantasy novel in which the models gain admission to an uber-prestigious university (which is presumably like MIT for Ukrainian girls with high cheekbones) if a golden, sparkly wing appears over their eye. The main character, the awesomely named Tookie De La Creme, is also notable for being one of the few leading female characters of color in young adult fiction, a distinction that could earn her a vaunted spot in the YA fantasy canon alongside heroines Hermione Granger, Violet Baudelaire and Alice from Go Ask Alice.

Furthermore, Tyra Banks also happens to be batshit motherfucking crazy, which, in terms of entertainment value, can only work in the book's favor. For instance, in an interview with Good Morning America last summer, Tyra hinted at the possibility of a model-themed amusement park, claiming that she aspires to be like Walt Disney and that "the message of empowering women" extends beyond the purview of a book or TV show. While the mind reels at the thought of toddlers donning Mickey ears shaped like C-cups, or riding a roller coaster simulating the human pharyngeal reflex, for now we should just thank the gods of batshit motherfucking craziness that Tyra's particular brand of BMC has been committed to type for posterity. Now, all we can do is wait for the 2012 release of Gary Busey's long-awaited children's book, Timmy Tompkins and the Mystery of Why My Attorney Won't Answer My Calls After I was Arrested for Indecent Exposure at an Arby's

Commentarium (18 Comments)

Oct 11 11 - 9:00am
Puz Zeld

"Smize"? What does that mean? "Tookie" -- sounds like a diminutive of "tuchus", perhaps not the best name for a model, even if that happens to be her strong point.

Oct 11 11 - 10:51am
Kara

Smize means smile with your eyes! Try it sometime, Puz!

Oct 11 11 - 11:23am
EJ Dickson

Right, "smize" is "smiling with your eyes"; it's a term coined by Tyra on ANTM. It also refers to the ridiculous facial schmatta that she's wearing in that photo.

Oct 11 11 - 1:04pm
Forehead observer

Finally, someone did the right thing and split her forehead into two seperate peices. Now all they have to do is remove one of the peices, then she'll be alright.

Oct 14 11 - 9:43pm
Elouise

I don't even know what to say, this made tnghis so much easier!