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Australian man marries his dog

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I kind of just want to leave it at that, really. But I guess I'm obligated to go on: Joseph Guiso, a young man in Toowoomba, Queensland, married his five-year-old Labrador, Honey, two days ago in charming Laurel Bank Park. The bride wore white. Thirty guests were in attendance, and the couple will take a short honeymoon to… you know what? I just can't. Take the wheel, Toowoomba Chronicle:

The couple decided on the location – and to tie the knot – after stumbling upon a wedding in Laurel Bank Park during an afternoon walk.

"I said that could be us," Mr Guiso said.

"She didn’t say anything so I took that as a yes."

Look, I'm sure this was just meant to be the kind of funny, definitely weird, but sort of sweet thing people who really, really love their pets do — Guiso was quick to point out that he is not sexually attracted to his dog, he just loves her as his close companion. (Thank God.) But I'd like to take a quick second here to bring up that whole idea some anti-same-sex-marriage activists have about "slippery slopes" and "Why can't I marry my dog, then?", because his quote up there hit on an important point: you cannot marry someone without their consent in this country.

Oh, I'm sure there are ways people have gotten around this, with familial or cultural pressure or something similar. But legally, the person still has to consent! That's why you can't marry a child: children cannot give consent. And that's why you can't marry a dog! Because "not saying anything" does not equal "yes"! This should be simple.

Short rant over. I hope you and your dog have many lovely, strictly legal and platonic days together, Mr. Guiso.