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Barbara Walters' annual "Most Fascinating People" special has featured some truly interesting people since its start in 1993 — Hillary Clinton, Jack Kevorkian, Anna Wintour, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Moore, Michelle Obama, Lady Gaga... All people you necessarily like? Definitely not. But people who were making big statements, contributing to important dialogues, affecting significant change, etc. Ladies and gentleman, may I present to you the 2011 picks for "Most Fascinating People" as chosen by Barbara Walters:
Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet — The Modern Family gays. Okay, sure! Modern Family is still pretty successful, and I guess people do still talk about it, though mostly with phrases like, "Modern Family was better last season." But they are funny; that's... fascinating, sorta.
Derek Jeter — I'm going to be honest here, I absolutely hate baseball. So maybe Derek Jeter did something really big this year and I totally missed it.
Donald Trump — Well, he is still pretty rich. And I guess The Apprentice is still on. But really, if you're going to pick someone who pretended to be running for president without ever actually wanting to run for president, why not go with Herman Cain? At least you may get a free pizza out of it.
Simon Cowell — Is it 2002? Seriously, did I make a wish in front of the wrong magical fountain and now it's 2002 again? Because if it is, I need to find my high-school self and tell him to stop shopping for message tees at Hot Topic.
Katy Perry — Blargh. Sorry, what I meant was "blaaaaaargh."
Pippa Middleton — Oh my god, she didn't even do anything. Her sister did things! And you had her sister on last year, Walters. Honestly, just because someone's talked about in trashy celebrity magazines a lot doesn't mean they're actually... sorry, what's the next pick? Who?!
The Kardashians — No. Please, no. Look, I understand where you're coming from with this. The Kardashians, much like kudzu, are everywhere. They have about a million TV shows and because of them I know what a "Kris Humphries" is. But attention does not equal fascination. The Kardashians are like breakfast cereal: you may eat it every day, but you are not fucking fascinated by Chex!
Was this year just straight-up boring, is that what's happening here? I can think of a few names I would swap-in here: Gabrielle and Mark Giffords (though Diane Sawyer already got that get), Adele, Elizabeth Warren. But I'll admit that off the top of my head, there aren't a lot of obvious people deserving of a spot here. Readers, who would be better choices for the special than the Kardashians?
(Haha, I'm kidding: anyone would be.)