Canadians lose Stanley Cup, inferiority complex drastically worsens
Looks like we have some sore losers on our hands, eh? Last night the Boston Bruins won game seven of the NHL Stanley Cup finals, beating out the Vancouver Canucks in an embarrassing 4-0 loss. Hockey, of course, is the one thing Canadians hold closer to their hearts than maple syrup or Shania Twain, so a loss that was so brutal, so shameful, could only end in riots. Cars were overturned, fires were started, the earth moved, the angels wept, etc etc. All because a few bad Canadian eggs were such immature jerks (or should I say, hosers?) and couldn't handle a loss. Luckily there haven't been reports of injuries, just a lot of hurt feelings. There's always next year, my dear neighbors of the North!
Speaking as someone who was in Toronto during the last Canadian riots that made the news (during the G8 conference), I can also say with utmost certainty that these riots were probably really underwhelming, in real life. If they wanted to make a truly exciting and big-deal riot, they should have asked the people who are great at getting into pointless fights with no discernible positive outcome: Americans.
I'm just kidding! Don't exile me!