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Hugo Chavez suspects the U.S. is giving South American leaders cancer

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You know, this is really just… low. The world is still reeling over the untimely death of Dear Leader (never forget), and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has to muscle in and start making grand statements about how the U.S. might be giving a whole bunch of Latin American leaders cancer. Selfish.

Chavez expounded on his theory in a televised speech on Wednesday:

"It would not be strange if they [the U.S.] had developed the technology to induce cancer and nobody knew about it until now… It is very hard to explain, even with the law of probabilities, what has been happening to leaders in Latin America."

Shockingly, he has something of a point: Chavez  had surgery to remove a tumor from his pelvis in June, and Argentine President Cristina Fernandez recently revealed that she has been dealing with thyroid cancer for a year and would undergo surgery in the new year.

Meanwhile, former Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva was diagnosed with throat cancer in October. His successor, Dilma Rousseff, survived lymphoma in 2009, and Paraguan President Fernando Lugo was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma in August of last year.

So… that is a whole lot of South American heads of state coming down with cancer… hm.

Chavez said that he "wasn't accusing anyone," but noted that former Cuban dictator and legendary beard enthusiast Fidel Castro hipped him to the ways of paranoid thinking.

"These people have developed technology… take care what you eat, what they give you to eat… a little needle and they inject you with I don't know what," Chavez said Castro told him.

Chavez then warned Bolivian resident Evo Morales and Ecuador leader Rafael Correa to take heed: "Evo take care of yourself. Correa, be careful. We just don't know."

Of course, the fact that all of those heads of state are around the age that cancer typically starts to rear its head, and the fact that most of South America's healthcare is still preoccupied with infectious, rather than chronic, disease (meaning most cases of cancer aren't caught for quite some time), probably means little to Chavez, because he's uncovered some serious shit, man, and this whole mess goes straight to the top. Maybe he can get his buddy Sean Penn to write, direct, and star in a cinematic exposé.

But really, he's right. We just don't know. Myself, I'm deeply worried about the Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.