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Japanese butt-scanning system identifies people by their butts

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Brothers and sisters of the future! No longer will you have to rely on faulty car alarms, pricy LoJack systems, or your three year-old nephew acting as a 24-hour watchdog to protect your motor vehicle. Thanks to the folks at Japan's Advanced Institute of Industrial Technology, the most reliable car security system of the next century will be your butt. According to the Daily, researchers at the institute have developed a scanning system that identifies the owner of a car by the shape of his or her butt. Screw extreme climate change and the polar ice caps melting: with the advent of ass-scanning technology, doesn't the future look just a little bit brighter now?

The "Can Scan" (clevs!) works by embedding 360 precise sensors into the driver's seat, which verify the driver's identity before the car starts. The system is 98 percent accurate, and the inventors hope to make the technology widely available two to three years from now. So there you have it: if we're lucky, the release of the butt-scanning security system will coincide with the release of both Avatar 2 and the second How To Train Your Dragon movie. Who says we can't have it all?