Louisiana official wants to ban pajamas in public

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Michael Williams, a commissioner in Caddo Parish, Louisiana, has introduced an ordinance that "will prohibit locals from wearing pajama pants in public," in response to a dust-up at the local Walmart, where Williams claims a boy wearing pajama pants (a.k.a. "the Devil's trousers") flashed his private parts. Here is the requisite not-at-all hyperbolic quote from ban's creator:

“If you can’t [wear pajamas] at the boardwalk or courthouse, why are you going to do it in a restaurant or in public? Today it’s pajamas,” Williams told the Times. “Tomorrow it’s underwear. Where does it stop?”

But Williams is a reasonable man. He doesn't think anyone caught disobeying this ordinance should go to jail or anything, just get a fine. (But maybe some jail time if they're really old and gross pajamas, Mike? Just thinking out loud here.) Of course, the ban will only affect Caddo Parish (pop. 270,971), so rest of Louisiana is free to traipse around in their jammies all they want. But woe be unto those who wander into Caddo's borders without changing, or any upstart youths who move there from the big city looking to "shake things up" with their love of sleepwear. (Quickly — can I interest anyone in a film adaptation of this story, obviously called Pants Loose? Zac Effron could star. My fee is negotiable; please call.)

This sounds ridiculous, but the city of Shreveport, which resides in the parish, instituted a law against baggy pants just last year. And it should go without saying that I am all for this. I mean, I once wore a tie to a T.G.I. Friday's. I think we should not simply maintain standards of dress, but rigidly enforce them with the iron fist of the law. (I mean, why should I ever have to look at anything I don't like?) A few suggestions for additions to the ban, Mr. Williams, if I may:

– Crocs

– Jeggings

– Fanny packs

– Ironic fanny packs (especially these — offenders should be shot on sight)

– Bolo ties

– Fluorescent orange (never liked it)

So let's work with Michael Williams to make the world a more visually pleasing place, everyone! And stop flashing or whatever… I'm not sure about that part, because it makes no goddamn sense.