There's a long list of things that totally suck about being a woman, including childbirth, menstruation, sexual double standards, and the fact that we're automatically supposed to think that Kristen Wiig is funny. Until today, however, the risk of finding black bread mold on a tampon was not on this list. Thanks to Kotex user Danielle, whose blog posts on the offending object went viral last week, the chance that you could accidentally plug up your girlhole with a fungi-speckled wad of cotton has officially shot to the top of the list of reasons why having a uterus blows.
Danielle's story begins, as most tales often do, with the discovery that there was mold growing on her tampon after she accidentally popped it out of the applicator while opening it. Enraged that there was a third-grader's science experiment growing in her box of Kotex, she contacted tampon manufacturers Kimberly-Scott and gave them a piece of her mind. Kimberly Scott responded by shooting off an infuriatingly upbeat missive that only becomes more infuriating when you imagine it being read in a soothing, totally antiseptic, British female GPS voice:
"Thanks for contacting us about your experience with KOTEX® SECURITY® tampons. We are very sorry that you were disappointed with your recent purchase of our product. We understand how distressing it can be to find mold on a product that is used for personal hygiene and apologize for your concern. In instances where it has been found, we conducted tests on the product involved and have found the mold to be a common environmental species that carries no health risk. The vegetative mold is similar in nature to mold on vegetables or in baked goods."
The letter is signed by a "Betty" in "Customer Services," who concluded the letter by offering Danielle a coupon for a free box of Kotex tampons. To Danielle's credit, she did not respond by tearing Betty a new asshole and suggesting that that's exactly where she should shove her free box of Kotex tampons; instead, she received a separate, more sincere-sounding reply from another Kimberly Scott representative, who apologized for the moldy tampon and requested that she send it in for lab testing and analysis.
So the way I see it, there are two morals to this story. 1) That roommate you had in college who used to gross you out by leaving her DivaMooncupCatcherLadyJamJar around the bathroom maybe had the right idea after all. And 2) if you are a woman, it's probably best to just avoid menstruating altogether. 'Cause having your period is a big enough schlep without the additional risk of having something that resembles a set piece from Fraggle Rock in your vagina.