Man has heart attack while eating "Triple Bypass Burger" at Heart Attack Grill

Terribly, inevitably, a man suffered a heart attack while eating a "triple bypass burger" at a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill, which calls its burgers "a taste worth dying for." The Las Vegas chain markets itself by its unhealthy menu options, which include "flatliner fries" and a "double-bypass burger." They also serve free food to patrons who weigh 350 pounds or more.

The company's mission statement is as follows:

"Doctors agree that continually cycling body weight up and down is one of the very worst things a person can do to themselves. That's why our program is focused upon keeping your weight in an extremely stable, gradual, and constant upward slope."

When the unlucky patron who actually followed this advice started suffering symptoms of a heart attack, the restaurant's owner said, "The gentleman could barely talk. He was sweating, suffering. Anyone with an ounce of compassion would've felt for him." Apparently this wasn't the case: "I actually felt horrible for the gentleman because the tourists were taking photos of him as if it were some type of stunt. Even with our own morbid sense of humor, we would never pull a stunt like that." 

Naturally, as soon as the restaurant re-opened, it was once again flooded with patrons eager to play Russian Roulette with their own pulmonary health. God bless America.