In a series of events that reads more like the buildup to the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania has been experiencing a high incidence of ninja-related crime.
The most recent event concerned Santino Guzzo, a Pittsburgh man who confronted an individual dressed in a "ninja outfit literally from head to toe." Police said the ninja broke into eleven cars and was attempting to do the same to Guzzo's before he intervened. The ninja pulled his sword on Guzzo, who responded by pulling a gun on the ninja. Apparently trumped, the would-be shadow warrior ran off "like a gazelle that just got attacked by a lion." Rather than quaking in terror that he'd been targeted by the mythical shinobi, Guzzo could only express bewilderment.
"The only word that comes to mind is, 'seriously?'" he told the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review Monday. "I know this isn't a laughing matter, but how many people get attacked by a ninja? Really, a ninja?"
In addition, about two weeks ago police picked up a man "pretending to be a ninja" at 1:30 a.m. While such a crime isn't officially on the books, Ross Hurst had left his four-year-old son sleeping at home, alone.
My only question is: why the penny-ante stakes, ninjas? Shouldn't you be threatening April O'Neill and hanging out in your rad early-'90s hideout, complete with cigarettes, bass solos, and a young Sam Rockwell?