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Study: coffee makes women smarter, men dumber

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According to a new study in England, drinking coffee ameliorates women's brainpower in stressful situations, but makes men slower on the uptake. And because caffeine is the most widely consumed drug in the world, with Britons alone drinking around seventy-million cups of coffee each day, researchers say the implications are potentially staggering.

Researchers from Bristol University wanted to examine coffee's effect on a body already under stress, so they recruited sixty-four men and women as test subjects, putting them in same-sex pairs. Each pair was then given a number of tasks to complete, such as negotiating, doing puzzles, and taking memory tests, and were told that, upon completion, they would give a presentation relating to their tasks. Half of the pairs were given decaf coffee, while the other half received cups containing a large shot of caffeine.

Researchers discovered that men who drank the high-test coffee suffered greatly impaired performances in memory tests, as well as taking an average of twenty seconds longer to complete puzzles than the decaf drinkers. But women completed the puzzles an astonishing 100 seconds faster if they'd been given coffee, according to the Journal of Applied Social Psychology. So, might I propose a strategy for future U.S. military success? The Starbucks Doctrine, with quick-thinking, espresso-fueled women on the front lines synergistically complementing the brute force of male grunts.