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Study: three-year-old brats more likely to have STDs, criminal records by age thirty-two

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young brat child destoying things

A new study shows that the propensity towards obesity, criminal behavior, and sexual behaviors that would lead to STDs can be gleaned as early as three years old. The study followed 1,000 New Zealand children born in 1972 and 1973 and measured impulse control at age three through a variety of methods. To control for family life and class and financial variables, the researchers repeated the study on 500 pairs of fraternal twins in Britain (evaluated for impulse control at age five). In both studies children with poor impulse control grew up, not surprisingly, to be adults with poor impulse control. They were likelier to be in debt, have STDs, engage in anti-social behavior, and have weight problems.

So the next time you're trying to eat brunch and there is some three-year-old child screaming and banging shit around, feel secure in your right to resent it. That child is probably a future herpes-spreading petty criminal anyway.