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Study: vegetarians should be sexier, reality indicates otherwise

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Want to look sexually enticing to the gender of your choice? Want a healthy glow without venturing down the Jersey Shore path of tanning beds and baby oil? The results of a new study conducted at the University of Nottingham reveal that increasing your daily fruit and vegetable intake can give you the benefits of a tan without the UV damage. Individuals taking part in the study ate an extra five servings of fruits and vegetables a day for a period of two months and then their "before and after" skin tones were compared. The study concluded that the golden skin resulting from the increased carotenoid intake made the individuals more attractive.

By this logic, I should be extremely sexually attracted to those who eat mostly vegetables, right? Well, vegetarians, if only your bronzed skin tones didn't come with a side of self-righteousness and condescending judgment of my fur coats, then maybe I would be. I mean, have you ever been on a date, just trying to enjoy your delicious hamburger, only to look up into the sexy and tanned stare of your sanctimonious, vegan date? Boner kill.

Calm down, vegetarians, I'm just kidding.