News

Yet another person has a heart attack at the Heart Attack Grill, nation collectively rolls eyes

Pin it

Aside from their delicious menu, the big thing Las Vegas' Heart Attack Grill has going for them is their increasingly true-to-life advertising. Yet another patron has suffered a heart attack after consuming a double-bypass burger. The Las Vegas restaurant is a strict adherent to the city's "fuck all the laws" attitude, boasting a menu that offers Lucky Strikes cigarettes, Colt 45, and Olde English malt liquor, butter fat & vodka milkshakes, and a free meal for customers over 350 pounds. The woman, reportedly in her mid-forties, was smoking a cigarette and drinking a margarita before she fell unconscious. 

While it is still undetermined whether her heart attack was directly caused by her meal, this reporter would like to go on the record and say: "Yeah, there's a pretty good chance it was." 

In February, a man in his forties became the Grill's first victim, and had to be wheeled out of the restaurant after he became sluggish and unintelligible. And if that sounds bad, here's the video that shows the events unfolding.

The restaurant's owner, "Dr. Jon," released this snarky statement about the Grill's impact on the human body:

Doctors agree that continually cycling weight up and down is one of the very worst things a person can do to themselves. That's why our program is focused upon keeping your weight in an extremely stable, gradual, and constant upward slope.

I suspect that this "Dr. Jon" may not be an accredited doctor.

Of course, Heart Attack Grill does take their product's dangerous consequences seriously, putting up signs that read "This Establishment is Bad For Your Health." But it's still all in service to the grand old spirit of Las Vegas: lose all your money, drink in public, see a few nudie shows, maybe get a handy, and then pig out. I'm just wondering how many people are going to die in or around this restaurant before… well, fuck, something happens? I don't know. You can't punish a restaurant for creating terrible, irresponsible hell-food any more than you can punish stupid people for eating it. But two heart attacks on the premises? How many more is it going to take before this place shuts down, or at least starts to lose money?

I say five.