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Crystal Harris to Howard Stern: Hugh Hefner lasts “like two seconds” in bed

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Hugh Hefner Prematurely Ejaculating"Will you hurry up already and just take the damn pict — um, actually, nevermind."

Crystal Harris is making the most of her dwindling fifteen minutes of fame. The twenty-four-year-old Playboy Playmate's somewhat recent split with ex-fiancé Hugh Hefner is quickly starting to be no longer interesting to anybody but TNZ, the cheap TMZ knock-off they sell to tourists in Chinatown. So, to combat irrelevance, the model came up with a shrewd ploy that would help her stay in the light of lime for at least one more blog cycle: to visit King of All Media Subscription Radio Howard Stern and insult Hefner's sexual prowess on air. And look, it's working! Not one but two reporters from People jumped on it, writing,

Harris, 24, said Tuesday on Sirius XM Radio's Howard Stern Show that sex with the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted "like two seconds." 

"Then I was just over it," she says. "I was like, 'Ahhh.' I was over it. I just like, walked away. I'm not turned on by Hef, sorry." 

She adds that they had sex just once. 

"He doesn't really take off his clothes," Harris says. "I've never seen Hef naked."

Two seconds? Why, just one year ago, when the porn magnate was still in his early-mid-eighties as opposed to his mid-eighties, Kendra Wilkinson wrote this about her experience at one of the Playboy Mansion's many Hef-centered orgies: "One by one, each girl hopped on Hef and had sex with him for about a minute." That means the old man's seen a 3,000% decrease in stamina within the past twelve months! But, then again, we all know that you can't really get an accurate picture of anyone's sexual performance after just one encounter (you hear that, Stephanie?), let alone one recounted by a spurned lover. We'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time, Hugh, but let it be known: you're on notice.