animal kingdom

No one would accuse Floridians of being the cream of America's crop, so to speak, and I don't think of the average Florida resident as being overly self-aware. I did hope they were aware of what they literally are: animals. But whoever penned the new measure outlawing bestiality apparently forgot that we humans have not, yet, achieved the status of robot hybrids and sadly share ranks with animals of all kinds. The act reads as follows:

An act relating to sexual activities involving animals; creating s. 828.126, F.S.; providing definitions; prohibiting knowing sexual conduct or sexual contact with an animal; prohibiting specified related activities; providing penalties; providing that the act does not apply to certain husbandry, conformation judging, and veterinary practices; providing an effective date.

The act comes into effect October 1, 2011, so I wouldn't plan any romantic getaways anywhere in Florida after that time. Because you were probably planning on banging your significant other. You know he or she is an animal, right? Pervert.

Commentarium (11 Comments)

May 12 11 - 11:46am

The legal definition of animal and the common definition are not exactly the same. Good try, though.

May 12 11 - 1:28pm

I know some bros who are the legal definition of animal.

May 18 11 - 4:35pm

Yes according to Florida, the legal definition of "Animal" is "“ held to include every living dumb creature"

Where as creature is defined as living being. Ergo, and "dumb living being" is a "Animal" in Florida law. So it's illegal to have sex with anything who is "dumb".

May 12 11 - 3:40pm
Squeal Like a Pig

Jayce is right. Otherwise, it would be legal to restrain, breed humans at will inFL.

May 12 11 - 4:32pm

It's not legal to restrain and breed humans in Florida? Are you sure about that?

May 12 11 - 11:40pm

Maybe for the rest of America, having Florida pass a law outlawing procreation in that state might be a good thing. No more hanging chads.

May 15 11 - 1:33am

Florida's legislature would be serving better by focusing on issues like rampant homelessness, gang violence, crippled housing markets, illegal immigration, and the like, instead of people fucking dogs, but they won't, of course.

Let's just give the whole damn state back to the Spanish.

May 16 11 - 1:34pm

Really? Do you think Spain would take it, gratis and gift-wrapped?

May 16 11 - 10:11pm

And a tomato isn't a vegetable! Why the hell is it in the vegetable section? Balderdash!

Pesky infallible scientific definitions. I think I'll marry a flatworm.

May 17 11 - 9:35am

First of all, f-off for dissing Floridians. Secondly, do your homework, 30 states have anti-bestiality laws, all of which are worded similarly. A couple of examples:

Washington 16.52.205:
(3) A person is guilty of animal cruelty in the first degree when he or she:

(a) Knowingly engages in any sexual conduct or sexual contact with an animal;

New York Penal Law 130.20 (M):
A person is guilty of sexual misconduct when:
3. He or she engages in sexual conduct with an animal or a dead human body.

Oct 11 11 - 11:04am
Luke Thomas

I realize bestiality adovocates love to say Florida outlawed sex with other humans, but the term "bestiality" means humans having sex with subhuman animals, AND Chapter 828 specifically deals with crimes involving animals (subhuman). Nice try sex perverts. And why is it just about every single CHILD PORN arrest also has bestiality in their collection of filth. I pray all of you sex perverts get superbug gonorrhea and your organs rot out.