“Fully functional” sexbots will soon hit the market

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In an unprecedented boon for late-night comics and bloggers like me, a forty-seven-year old West Virginia construction worker/inventor named Scott Maclean has spent well into six figures since 2004 developing "fully functional" sex dolls, and his efforts are about to bear fruit. Two models, "Harry Harddrive" and "Suzie Software," will soon be available for around $12,000.

At the same time, a forty-eight-year old New Jersey man named Douglas Hines has also developed a "fully functional" sex doll named Roxxxy, who can speak and is also capable of "simulating an orgasm." (This may be the definition of "faking it.") In a twist too staggeringly ghoulish to make up, Hines says he based Roxxxy's personality on that of a friend who died in the 9/11 attacks. We should all be memorialized thus. Meanwhile, Maclean's low-budget website is a goldmine of weirdness and comedy, a nugget of which I've embedded below. Be sure to check out the merchandise page, which offers a t-shirt with the slogan "If you turn them on they WILL turn you on." I initially read this as "If you turn them on they will turn on you," but maybe I've just watched Terminator too many times.

Mr. Maclean is currently seeking an actress to have sex with Mr. Harddrive on camera as a demonstration, so female readers, don't say we're not looking out for you. More on these sex robots as they become sentient and vow to destroy us all.