News

Minnesota’s gays apologize for destroying marriage

Pin it

Amy Koch

Sometimes, when I think of the deep satisfaction I get from each of these "conservative preaches about the sanctity of marriage then gets caught having an affair" stories, I'm forced to conclude I'm kind of an asshole. I appreciate the poetic justice, sure, but mostly, I'm just getting a kick out of bad things happening to other people. I'm not that activist-y of a gay when there aren't funny stories involved — I was happy when New York legalized same-sex marriage, but certainly didn't contribute to its passing (and celebrated with such debauchery that I woke up wondering if they weren't right, if we all weren't just a bunch of hedonist sinners unworthy of the institution). 

The gay community in Minnesota has gone one step further, and openly apologized to the latest anti-gay, scandal-plagued Republican, Amy Koch. Koch was the State Senate Majority Leader in Minnesota, and a Republican who campaigned on an one-man-one-woman marriage-preserving amendment (which failed). Then the married Koch got caught having an affair with a junior male staffer (also married), apologized, and resigned. 

Today, a Minnesotan named John Medeiros (apparently the official spokesgay of the northern lands) responded with an open apology letter in the paper. In it, he apologies for our gayness, which so degraded the institution of marriage that Mrs. Koch was all but forced to have steamy un-Christian sex with a muscle-bound, donkey-dicked staffer. (These adjectives, sadly, are pure speculation.) The letter is good enough that I've pasted the whole thing below — so you can all join me in reveling in a poor woman's embarrassment — or, rather, another small victory in the war for equality. 

An Open Apology to Amy Koch on Behalf of All Gay and Lesbian Minnesotans

Dear Ms. Koch, On behalf of all gays and lesbians living in Minnesota, I would like to wholeheartedly apologize for our community's successful efforts to threaten your traditional marriage.  

We are ashamed of ourselves for causing you to have what the media refers to as an "illicit affair" with your staffer, and we also extend our deepest apologies to him and to his wife. These recent events have made it quite clear that our gay and lesbian tactics have gone too far, affecting even the most respectful of our society. We apologize that our selfish requests to marry those we love has cheapened and degraded traditional marriage so much that we caused you to stray from your own holy union for something more cheap and tawdry.  

And we are doubly remorseful in knowing that many will see this as a form of sexual harassment of a subordinate. It is now clear to us that if we were not so self-focused and myopic, we would have been able to see that the time you wasted diligently writing legislation that would forever seal the definition of marriage as being between one man and one woman, could have been more usefully spent reshaping the legal definition of "adultery." Forgive us.  

As you know, we are not church-going people, so we are unable to fully appreciate that "gay marriage" is incompatible with Christian values, despite the fact that those values carry a biblical tradition of adultery such as yours.  We applaud you for keeping that tradition going.

And finally, shame on us for thinking that marriage is a private affair, and that our marriage would have little impact on anyone's family.  We now see that marriage is more than that.  It is an agreement with society.  We should listen to the Minnesota Family Council when it tells us that marriage is about being public, which explains why marriages are public ceremonies.  

Never did we realize that it is exactly because of this societal agreement that the entire world is looking at you in shame and disappointment instead of minding its own business. From the bottom of our hearts, we ask that you please accept our apology.  

Thank you.
John Medeiros
Minneapolis MN