Pfizer recalls 1 million birth-control packs because they might get you pregnant

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Speaking of news that will ruin sex, Pfizer is recalling one million packets of birth control, because inadequate hormone levels may — sorta — get you pregnant. Unless you're one of those ballsy couples who hate condoms and really get off on the chance of accidentally getting knocked up, you may want to reconsider your choice of birth control. 

The company released a press release saying that the recalled packets are not dangerous to women, but they will increase the odds of a casual encounter between a sperm and an egg. If you and your significant other are reading this right now and each word is sending you deeper and deeper into a panic, a list of the defective packs is available on the FDA's website. 

It just goes to show you that it never hurts to take the extra precaution of using multiple forms of protection. Condoms are kind of a bummer, but hey, so is getting up early to drive your kid to school. And kids need to go to that shit, like, every day. (As is my understanding.) 

The error affects fourteen lots of Lo/Ovral-28 tablets and fourteen lots of generic Norgestrel and Ethinyl Estradiol tablets. Pfizer found that some of the defective packs had too many active pills, while others had too few; the error has been blamed on a mechanical malfunction. So, to summarize: you heard it here first — robots are trying to impregnate and enslave the human race.