Finally, someone has acknowledged the sensuality inherent in all church services. The organ music, the mustiness, the "God is watching you sinners" sentiments. It's pure sex is what it is, and Pastor Maurice Johnson has capitalized on this by holding weekly kissing contests during which married couples make out in front of their peers.
In order to keep the marriages of his flock alive, Johnson asks that four sets of spouses cluster by the pulpit and mack it for five whole minutes during each of his Sunday sermons. To add atmosphere, a keyboardist and a drummer play hymns such as "I Like It" by DeBarge during the bizarre PDA-fest. Then, because it wouldn't be church without a little judgment, the rest of the congregation votes on the "most amorous couple" by rounds of applause. The winners get $50 to spend on a date night.
"Your bedroom and your love life are fires that must be nurtured and fought for," Johnson preaches. "Use the power of touch to ignite passion in your marriage."
You may find yourself thinking, "This is a little much," but that's probably because you're a marriage-hating atheist. For, as Johnson tells us, the Bible mandates you turn your spouse on at all times. "You should be visually stimulated for your husband or your wife," Johnson says. "It is your biblical responsibility to look good for your spouse."
So, you know, next time someone gives you crap for kissing in the street, just yell, "It's for Jesus!" But only if you're married, you harlots.