Sex makes your grandma happier than baking cookies

No one likes to think about this, except for AARP members and wrinkle fetishists, but old people enjoy having orgasms just as much as everybody else. New research presented at the Gerontological Society of America's annual conference shows that sex increases happiness twenty percent among those sixty-five and older.  (The presentation might as well have been titled "The Elderly Possess Genitals, Are Human Beings.")

The researchers clarify: "By 'sex' we mean vaginal, oral, or anal sex." Good luck kissing Grammy at Christmas now.

Based on a sample size of 238 married senior citizens, only forty percent of the non-sexually active were satisfied with their lives, whereas sixty percent of the sexually active were "very happy." Likewise, nearly forty percent of the former were unsatisfied with their marriages versus a mere twenty percent of the latter. Which raises the question: why would a fifth be unhappy if they're still boning in the sunset years? (Maybe their spouses always keep the temperature too low?)

According to researcher Dr. Adrienne Jackson, "This study will help open the lines of communication and spark interest in developing outside-the-box approaches to dealing with resolvable issues that limit or prevent older adults from participating in sexual activity." In other words: the secret to eternal happiness is replacing Bingo Night with retirement-home groping.

(Photo via Flickr)