Interested in having a comely pen pal who's doing 25 to life for aggravated assault and possession of a deadly weapon? Try, a site for incarcerated men and women looking to meet that special someone who won't shiv them in the face when they cut in front of them in line at the commissary. Using the scientifically sound method of looking at photos of women and determining whether or not they were boner-worthy, the folks at Ranker assembled a list of the 50 sexiest lady inmates in the United States, and needless to say most of the entries bear strikingly little resemblance to Vern Schillinger on Oz.

Numero Uno on the list is 33-year old Renee Bell from California, who curiously lists her occupation before prison as "student/upholstery." Bell is a 6-ft. tall non-smoker who describes herself as "honest, sincere, and easy-going," and she's in search of a "real man for friendship, companionship, and possibly more." Her release date is in 2017, so if you're liking what Renee is selling, you'd only have to wait five more years to find out exactly what "possibly more" entails; also, she won't disclose what she's in prison for, although I can only assume it had something to do with her chosen profession as an ottoman.

Needless to say, courting one of these lovely ladies would not come without its challenges; even the founder of, Arlen Bischke, admits that prospective suitors should proceed with caution before dreaming about long, romantic walks around the perimeter and bubble baths during conjugal visits. "No, I do not [recommend using the website as a dating service] because the odds of everything working out are slim," he writes in the website's FAQ section. "There are just too many obstacles. I recommend the site for a friend/pen pal basis. It can be a lot of fun writing an inmate." So while it's commendable to want to reach out to one of these people to make their lives behind bars a little more bearable, it's probably best to keep it platonic, no matter how "hot" your prisoner pen pal might be. 

Commentarium (4 Comments)

May 04 12 - 12:29pm

I think what's interesting here is how they read exactly like regular personals--generic to the point of mind-numbing-- yet some of the crimes they've been convicted of, armed robbery, murder, and in one case, the production of child pornography are very, very serious and would indicate that the prisoner is anything but generic.

May 04 12 - 1:07pm

I only read to about the 4th one, but maybe #3, who's in for vehicular homicide and DUI, shouldn't be advertising her "bubbly personality," since that seems to have been the problem.

May 04 12 - 2:32pm

I smell reality TV show. America's Next Top Female Prisoner.

May 04 12 - 3:03pm

Best line by far is from Christine on Page 6:

"Please rescue me. Don't allow what I have to offer go to waste, so just imagine me as a smoking hot genie trapped in a bottle, and all it takes is one rub to free me to make all your dreams come true. This bottle is tight and I'm hot in here."