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Spider venom is the new Viagra

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Viagra.

Are you an impotent thrill-seeker looking for a new and exciting way to achieve an erection? Then say goodbye to those oppressively boring lines at the pharmacy, because science has found the latest substance proven to cause erections: spider venom.

MSNBC looked into the world of science and came back with the following report: 

Most of us get a little excited when we see a big spider, but for the unfortunate few who fall victim to the bite of the daunting Brazilian wandering spider, that “excitement” takes on a whole new meaning: The venom of the wandering spider — also known as the banana spider (or more formally Phoneutria nigriventer) causes erections in men.

But before you run off to your local arachnid stomping grounds, you should know that there's a catch: it's one of those call-your-doctor boners, a condition known as priapism. Oh, and:

In addition to the hours-long painful erection, the wandering spider’s bite can cause loss of muscle control, severe pain, difficulty breathing and, if not treated, death, due to oxygen deprivation (with anti-venom, the victim usually recovers within a week).

So it turns out that, in the end, scary, scary spiders are still just scary, scary spiders.