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Study: Nerds live longer and age better

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Mark Zuckerberg

Here's some news to brighten up your frigid Monday morning. A study just released by the University of Wisconsin-Madison found that higher high-school rank correlates with better health at pre-retirement age. The study tracked 10,000 high-school graduates over a period of fifty-three years and proves what I have always known: super-nerds make better romantic partners. Think about it. You could marry some dumb male model, but then you'll spend your golden years wheeling around his puffy, diabetic body and cursing your youthful superficiality. 

I must have subconsciously been onto this game for quite some time now. I think my track record speaks for itself: of my high-school boyfriends, one went on to attend Harvard and the London School of Economics, one went on to become a programmer for Google, and one went on to become gay (but the nerdy rather than sassy kind of gay). Finally, some vindication.