Your computer is (maybe) killing your sperm

Guys: if you are trying to father a child, you might want to unearth your '90s time capsule and reinstall the dial-up modem. Scientists in Argentina have discovered that laptop wi-fi kills twenty-five percent of a healthy man's sperm — and damages another nine percent — whereas the effects are negligible when the wireless is turned off.  (If a laptop is kept away from the body when connected to wi-fi, the numbers go down to fourteen and three percent respectively, which isn't exactly reassuring.)

"At present we do not know whether this effect is induced by all laptop computers connected by wi-fi to the Internet or what use conditions heighten this effect," said lead researcher Conrado Avendano, who published his findings in the journal Fertility and Sterility.

But Dr. Robert Oates, president of the Society for Male Reproduction and Urology, calls the research (spunk-)bunk: "This is not real-life biology, this is a completely artificial setting. It is scientifically interesting, but to me it doesn't have any human biological relevance."

So perhaps men can breathe a sigh of relief while ejaculating. Until our cell phones give us all brain cancer.