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This Exists: an artificial hymen available from Chinese website

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Female Nerve reader, are you worried that your new husband will disown you if he discovers that you're not a virgin? From our East Asian correspondents comes this important tip: you can now buy an artificial hymen online from Shanghai Health Food Factory. (Just think what a hassle this was in the pre-internet days, when you'd have to fly to China and scour the dusty artificial-hymen markets of Wujiang Road for the artificial hymen of your dreams.) This hymen also comes with elaborate and hilarious instructions, which I encourage you to read thoroughly before you get into any virginity-faking shenanigans:

Artificial virginity hymen is suitable for the woman who with broken hymen. put artificial hymen into the vagina. It will inflate when meet warm secretion and envelop the vagina. The penis breaks the layer, and the hemachrome with the secretion lay on the penis and vulvae. It looks like the really blood very much. The effect will be better if the woman pretend feel pain and shy.

Character: It is dark red translucence film, suppleness. It dissolves into the secretion become mucus, and do not flyblow clothes.

[Ingredients]natural albumen glue, medical expand element, Methylcellulose and so on.

[Using] Open the package, get the hymen and knead it. Put it into the vagina. If the vagina is dry, wet the hymen 5 to 8 seconds then put it into vagina; The best time is 20 to 30 minutes before sex; The effect will be better if the woman pretend feel pain and shy; Wash the vulvae after sex; It is easy to use and no toxic, pain, hypersusceptibility and side-effect effect for the body.

 [Effectiveness]Artificial because there's no side effect to human component is the natural glue, drug-inflated, carboxymethyl cellulose-based water-soluble detergent. "Artificial hymen" placed inside the vagina, thermal expansion and dissolve secretions, and quickly shut the vagina, penis, one of the sealant has a blood red liquid based agent with the penis and vulva tic and the mixed paper. If the mixture of pain and shy like a better effect.

[Note] Cleansing the "blood" after sex act, stored at normal temperature.

[Package]Aseptic carton packaging aluminum foil bag, compact and easy to carry.

[Shape]  Red translucent membrane, 5cm x 3.5cm x 0.02cm, soft, water-soluble red mucus dissolves into blood, contaminated clothing.

My Shanghai-based friend Mike, who sent this to me, speculated a little bit about what customer-service calls are like on this thing. We're picturing something like this:

FEMALE CALLER:  "No, it didn't work. He didn't believe I was a virgin."

ARTIFICIAL HYMEN CO. CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT: "Hmm… did you make sure to pretend feel pain and shy? No? No refund, lady. Read the manual."