From the University of Network Sitcoms comes a new study claiming that, in nature, females generally end up with "unattractive males of below-average quality," trapping them in "less-than-ideal relationships" that ultimately "raise female stress levels."
The researchers came to this conclusion after carefully observing
the third season of Everybody Loves Raymond socially monogamous species, like birds. The study's lead author extrapolated his team's findings like so:
"In socially monogamous animals, very few individuals end up with the perfect partner because, of course, he or she is likely to be paired to someone else. That is, lots of men would like to be married to, say, Angelina Jolie, and lots of women would love to be married to Brad Pitt. But the reality is that they can't and only someone like Brad Pitt is able to marry someone like Angelina Jolie."
Wouldn't it be weird if, instead of the birds and the bees, parents used Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to explain sex to their children?
But I digress. The study shows that female birds who are matched with "their preferred mates" experience a quarter of the stress as those who get stuck with avian scrubs. And that stress, it turns out, can lead to infidelity, divorce, and other consequences:
"If a female is stressed by her partner's attractiveness, then it is quite possible that the speed of becoming pregnant and the number of children she has may vary as a result."
And before you could even raise an eyebrow, a second dude from another university swooped in to laud the research, saying,
"For too long we have looked at monogamous relationships as mostly happy cooperative ventures, but the authors have shown that females who are forced by circumstance into unsuitable pairings suffer ongoing stress."
So what we have here are a couple of guys who are only now discovering what my parents have known for so long. Kidding! My parents are fine. But what about you guys? Does all this sound legit to you?