Watch: The sublimely ridiculous infomercial for “Tajazzle,” the confidence booster for your privates

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Question: How do you sell a product on TV when you can't actually explain (or, especially, show) what it does or how you use it? Answer: Creepy euphemisms with all the subtlety of a sock on the jaw. Which is why this infomercial for Tajazzle lets you know that the Tajazzle system will spruce up your "most intimate" places, like… your shoulder blades! Your toes! That place where your neck connects with your chest! Never feel bad about your inner calf again, ladies.

Come for the wording that calls to mind nothing more than Law & Order: SVU (like "special secret"), stay for the acting so stilted and wooden you'd swear this was a 30 Rock parody:

I know this video is fourteen minutes — and that's just part one! — but let me assure you that if you watch the whole thing, you enter a kind of fugue state in which the idea of a woman feeling more confident about her vagina because there's a crappy crystal butterfly tattooed above it becomes increasingly hilarious.