When I read summaries of Criterion Collection films, I usually assume they were authored by some pasty film buff with a cinema studies degree from Bard and a level of pretension that makes Inside the Actor's Studio host James Lipton seem like a homier, more salt-of-the-earth version of Larry the Cable Guy. Today, however, I stand humbly corrected, as the Criterion Collection dudes are clearly funnier than I would've assumed them to be. Otherwise, they would not have been able to execute an April Fool's prank as brilliant as issuing a fake release of the 1990 classic Kindergarten Cop.
Because I am assuming that most Nerve readers were born with two eyes and a heart, I'm also assuming that you guys have already seen Kindergarten Cop, so I won't bore you with a tedious summary. I will, however, share the Criterion Collection's take on it, which is listed among "related films" like Louis Malle's Au Revoir Les Enfants and Tarkovsky's Ivan's Childhood:
Historically, the policier and the family comedy were two distinct categories. Then, in 1990, Kindergarten Cop gave us all a lesson in genre revisionism. With muscular sensitivity, Hollywood’s last action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger embodies detective John Kimble, who is compelled to go undercover as a teacher of five-year-olds in order to catch a ponytailed drug dealer. Though it’s distinguished by pulse-pounding suspense, a Crayola-bright palette by cinematographer Michael Chapman (Taxi Driver), and trenchant observations about education in the Bush I era, the film’s emotional center is Schwarzenegger’s gruff yet good-tempered interaction with a class full of precocious scamps, including a tumor-forewarning death-obsessive and a genitalia expert.
The Criterion Collection's summary also includes a list of special features, including audio commentary by Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and more than 600 minutes of rare behind-the-scenes and archival footage.
Apparently, the Criterion Collection has done this on April Fools' past, although it has yet to actually follow through by releasing special-edition DVD versions of the films they're punking. Dear Heavenly Father in Heaven and Criterion Collection people: do this now. I would so, so much rather sit through six hundred minutes of behind-the-scenes footage from the set of Saved By the Bell: Hawaiian Style than some nonsensical trash by Truffaut or Kurosawa or Louis Malle. In fact, there is probably nothing else I would rather do in my life than watch six hundred minutes of behind-the-scenes footage from Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style. Make it happen, Criterion.