Let's suppose, for a second, that you were hooked up to a polygraph at a police station. Suppose they start by asking you fairly straightforward questions: your name, where you live, the hospital where you were born, etc. Then, all of a sudden, they start asking if you've ever read Francine Pascal's classic book series, Sweet Valley High (a la the Seinfeld episode where Jerry takes a polygraph to prove he hasn't seen Melrose Place). And of course you deny it, because who the hell would admit to reading Sweet Valley High, but then they start asking you which Wakefield sister dated Bruce Patman (Jessica), or how Regina Morrow died (cocaine overdose), or the name of the cult that kidnapped Jessica (the Good Friends). If, at this point, you keep saying you don't know, and the polygraph machine is going haywire, you probably want to brace yourself for what I'm about to tell you.
Of course, if you're a certain kind of person, this alone would be enough to make you lose control of at least two bodily functions. But according to screenwriter Diablo Cody, who revealed the news at the Critics' Choice Movie Awards last Thursday, there is more. The music will be written by Brian Yorkey and Tom Kitt, who are best-known for penning the Tony and Pulitzer Prize-winning musical Next to Normal. And Cody herself will play twins Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, in "old-fashioned, '60s-style split screen."
OK, that last part was a joke, and Cody says casting is still up in the air, but just say it to yourself for a second: "Sweet Valley High: The Musical. Alice Wakefield's Face Being Stolen By Her Former College Roommate: The Musical. Elizabeth Turning Into Her Slutty Twin Sister Jessica After Emerging From a Motorcycle Accident-Related Coma: The Musical." There is nothing that could possibly be bad about this. Unless you don't like Sweet Valley High, or musicals, or Diablo Cody, in which case you'll probably think that everything could be bad about this.