Oh God, are the early aughts already making a comeback? I had just accepted my newly resurfaced love for boy bands, a hold-over from the '90s that I thought I'd abandoned. (Thanks a lot, One Direction.) I don't know if I'm ready for news like this: Sabrina, the Teenage Witch is being made into a movie by Sony Pictures. (Also I know the oppressive amount of remakes, reboots, and sequels is driving you all insane. I would report more about original stories if I could.) And yes, I know Sabrina debuted in the '60s — which is still surprising to me — but let's not kid ourselves, no one is making this into a movie off the strength of a half-century old comic. This is all about Melissa Joan Hart, TGIF, and an animatronic cat.
Also, apparently she's going to be a superhero this time around? I guess that's reasonable; I can't remember why MJH-era Sabrina didn't set out to help the world with her powers in the TV show, though I'm going to guess something vague and ridiculous like "witch court." Now, they want Sabrina to be something more akin to Spider-Man: a young girl who discovers that with great power comes great blah blah blah. But forget that, there is a much weirder thing happening in this remake of the story:
While the tone of the movie will be edgier, they are keeping her talking black cat Salem, who here is a transformed prince creating unique love stories for Sabrina.
So… is he like a prince who became a cat? Or is he just, like, the prince of cats? Is Sabrina still his owner? Will he still hang out in her bedroom all the time? Will he still be a five-hundred-year-old attempted dictator? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, and undoubtedly one of them will be, that will certainly be a "unique" love story for our teenage heroine, one that's illegal in thirty-four to fifty states, depending on the age of Sabrina and the species of the cat at the time of the sexy business. I can't believe I just typed that.