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Jennifer Lopez to play Carmen Sandiego, ruin your childhood

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That sounds harsh, I know, so let me just say: it's not about you, Jennifer. I'm sure you're more than capable — Out of Sight proved you can do slinky and stealthy, though that was thirteen (!) years ago — but I don't want to see anyone playing Carmen Sandiego unless that person is a poorly drawn animation from the mid '90s, you dig? Of course, Hollywood cares little about the desecration of my childhood, so chances are this is probably going to happen:

"Walden Media has acquired rights to turn Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? into a live-action film involving Jennifer Lopez. I’d heard that Walden Media will develop the property as a vehicle for Lopez to play the title character… The logline: When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down."

Really? Will she really be the world's greatest thief? Because the original Carmen Sandiego once stole all the goulash in Hungary (reasonable). She stole all the snow from the top of Mt. Fuji (makes sense). She even stole the fucking Nile River Delta (sometimes you get really thirsty). This version will probably steal, like, bonds or something. (I don't know what bonds are. They sound important.) And that is some weak sauce right there. I bet she won't even travel through time!

Sorry, everyone: another cherished memory has fallen. Let's just pray they keep their hands off Treasure Mountain.