Like the rest of us, Jim Carrey is infatuated with Emma Stone. Unlike the rest of us, Jim Carrey just posted a video of himself professing his love for her on his official website. And it's… uncomfortably earnest. Here's a transcript:
I just wanted to let you know that I think you're all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled faced kids. We'd laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex?
Everyday for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I'm not. I'm 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little grey in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernable signs of aging that I can find so far. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You're pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That's all.
Is he serious? Is he joking? Is he, after decades of fame, in such an elevated level of self-regarding famous-comedian weirdness that he's no more sure than the rest of us whether he's serious or joking?
In either case, the way he's holding his webcam so that the entire room quivers around his weathered face gives the whole thing a neurotic jitteriness I find unsettling. If you're Emma Stone, how do you react? Why am I thinking of this Onion story?